Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say. The nurse puts me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.


The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5' 6,' I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 2'.


She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' I scream. 'When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

A Poem About Our Girlfriends
Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable
to have children.
The richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house,
the clothes ~ might be lonely.
And the word says, 'If I have not Love, I am nothing.'
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
'I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too Anointed,
to be Disappointed!'
'Winners make things happen~~ Losers let things happen.'
Be 'Blessed' Ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
'To the world you might be one person, to me you are special!

SEND THIS TO YOUR FAVORITE WOMEN ~ I JUST DID!

The New Motto for 2009!! Start it early!!!

Good ones! I love it!

COSTELLO BUYS A COMPUTER
>
> You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and
> Costello, and too old to REALLY understand
> computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us
> (like me) who sometimes get flustered by our
> computers, please read on.
>
> If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,
> their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have
> turned out something like this:
>
> COSTELLO calls to buy a computer from Abbott.
>
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
> COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den
> and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
>
> ABBOTT: Mac?
>
> COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
>
> ABBOTT: Your computer?
>
> COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>
>
> ABBOTT: Mac?
>
> COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
>
> ABBOTT: What about Windows?
>
> COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
>
> ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>
> COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look
> at the windows?
>
> ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
>
> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
> and software.
>
> ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
>
> COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I
> can use to write proposals, track expenses and run
> my business. What do you have?
>
> ABBOTT: Office.
>
> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
> anything?
>
> ABBOTT: I just did.
>
> COSTELLO: You just did what?
>
> ABBOTT: Recommend something.
>
> COSTELLO: You recommended something?
>
> ABBOTT: Yes.
>
> COSTELLO: For my office?
>
> ABBOTT: Yes.
>
> COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>
> ABBOTT: Office.
>
> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
>
> ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
>
> COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
> let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
> to type a proposal. What do I need?
>
> ABBOTT: Word.
>
> COSTELLO: What word?
>
> ABBOTT: Word in Office.
>
> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
>
> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
> COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
>
> ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue
> "W".
>
> COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
> don't start with some straight answers.
> What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything
> I can track my money with?
>
> ABBOTT: Money.
>
> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
>
> ABBOTT: Money.
>
> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>
> ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
>
> COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
>
> ABBOTT: Money.
>
> COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
>
> ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
>
> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
> How much?
>
> ABBOTT: One copy.
>
> COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>
> ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>
> COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
>
> ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
>
> ---A few days later.---
>
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
> COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
>
> ABBOTT: Click on "START."

this is brilliant SD. don't know costello and abbott but this is really funny!

LOL!
I loved Abbott and Costello. No, I'm not old enough to remember the original episodes...its sort of like the Mickey Mouse Club...I watched it in syndication when I was growing up.

quote:

its sort of like the Mickey Mouse Club...I watched it in syndication when I was growing up.

Oh please JM
Now I feel like I should be put out to pasture.

PL

Oh my gosh SD, that is laugh out loud hilarious. I was a huge fan...and I'm pretty sure I was watching the originals.

Shrinklady

Odd Anagrams?

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


STRESSED
When you rearrange the letters...actually it's just spelled backwards:
DESSERTS

How many psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb must really want to change.

Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!

Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.