Liese, good morning. I did talk to her. It actually seems to just have happened after something happened with the PA (for a P that I haven't met) on 2/17. Somehow that incident got linked in with T, and then it got me triggered by my childhood and even adult times when I felt abandoned (I went back to read my journal and I had written a lot those days), and I had a bad reaction on 2/20. So the flight was in full force, and I told her that on 2/27. I told her that missing the session the...Read More...

(((TN))) I think it is an important question your T asked you. I've been considering a version of it ever since I spoke to the meditation teacher. I wondered what I would have to give up if I gave up the idea that I didn't "know" whether T was right for me and relaxed into the relationship and therapy. I think I wouldn't have any reason to not deal with my issues that I want to work on but I keep avoiding when I don't feel safe and sure of the relationship with my T. I also might have to...Read More...

IF? Thanks for your words of encouragement. Tomorrow is the day. What do I do? What do I say? It has been 2 wks, and I no longer feel the need...the attachment. Maybe we talked through all we can and it is time to go separate ways. Idk...I just don't know.Read More...

Hi Closed Doors, I made the mistake of reading into my T's intentions, thinking he was using all kinds of techniques on me when in fact, he wasn't. Best thing to do is not to assume anything and just be straight up with him. Hope it goes well on Friday. LieseRead More...

TN, thanks for sharing your session. When you share, you give me hope, as I really struggle in my relationship with T. My T is like a stone wall. That's the best way to describe her. I hate it. Very rarely has she ever changed position, shown she cared with body and facial expression, and only one time has she said it (when I said I didn't know how to end/leave therapy because I was so attached to her). Many times I even feel as if she is cold, tired, bored, angry with me, doesn't want to...Read More...

Thanks, all, for your welcomes and just being there. ...Read More...

...just saw this, I don't know that the push pull- ever ends, for it is working through it- that the growth is manifested. (my opinion)Read More...

Very good point, Raven.Read More...

Hopeful: Exactly! I do the same thing. Right now, just wanting to talk about all this stuff feels shameful. I use humor a lot. I want to dx myself with OPD. (Obnoxious Personality Disorder) And hide. Echoes: That is so encouraging to hear! I was at the edge of looking at the whole shame thing, my T brought me there, and then decided that he could not/would not guide me through it. I think that we found some limitations in terms of boundaries and his abilities. It has been hard. But it can be...Read More...

Oh no... I'm such a "dude".Read More...

So many points you have made here Liese, moved me. I came from what appeared a nice family. Catholic schools, doing well, nice girls, nice boy friends - but inside me is a wailing hurting small child. It is sometimes hard to truly believe that what I am inside is not just crazy. BUt my T has helped me see that there is a reason for every single one of my feelings and I too have bought the outside package of our 'nice' family. It was a family with mega emotional difficulties and hidden...Read More...

((((KANSAS)))) I'm sorry too that you deleted your topic. I've been caught up in my own psychodrama, actually too much lately. I always enjoy your topics. Hope you are doing okay. LieseRead More...

Just wanted to return to this thread to update that my self imposed exile from T is over. It turned out to not be a very long break after all-- about two and a half weeks from the time I last actually saw her. I decided to go back because my tension, anxiety, and stresses were mounting and I realized that in leaving T I was cutting myself off from my most effective means of coping and emotional support, and that this is probably not a good time in my life to be doing that. I'm not crazy...Read More...

It's funny... I think the things that would probably make a 'normal' person feel safe, secure and understood freak the crap out of me.... When things get intense and the conversation is challenging, my T will change how she is sitting. She's not really any physically 'closer' as we sit in 2 different chairs...But her posture changes and she adopts a posture that feels like she's listening harder and supporting more (this is clearly impossible to explain). A few weeks ago I was being...Read More...

I would say both that your experience is not too unusual, but also that it can change. To me, not being able to have eye contact during sex, and fantasizing about other people or scenarios, especially during sex are both ways of avoiding deeper intimacy. But you can also heal and learn ways past those thing.Read More...

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking a lot right now after finding out she's only two years older than me. She's all professional and put together, and here I am whining about stuff and seeming to not make much progress very quickly. I started to feel more attached to her, but I don't know if I can with her being so close in age. I haven't seen her for two weeks and she's still gone for another ~ so I guess I'll have to see how it goes when I see her again. I know I'm too picky. I didn't want...Read More...

Thanks Liese I go to therapy tomorrow, and for some reason I am too scared to go. Somehow I have lost a little bit of trust in my T and wonder if I really can talk to her. That maybe she's pushing me out of my comfort zone for a good reason, or perhaps it's because she is tired of me. She knows what I am going through no - the uncertainty, the emotional chaos and the overall confusion going on, but yet she sticks to her disicion to not let me write her things anymore, but talk about them.Read More...

Hi all. I journal, when I need to, whenever I need to, but not to prepare for a therapy session (which I have M & W). Then when I get to therapy, I usually have 10 minutes to look over my journal and see where my thoughts were, what happened during that time, and then I at least know where to start. When I am depressed or highly anxious, that doesn't work. Now that I'm on meds again, it is so much easier to talk. I barely sit in silence, now. Sometimes my T starts with, "What do you want...Read More...

Hope you are feeling better today. Sounds cheesy, but I like to listen to the saddest music I can find. Johnny Cash, Radiohead, Mozart's Requiem mass, Frank Sinatra's "One for my Baby, and One for the Road", etc..it's very personal. Not to smother with advice, but a very healing "project" that I did when I was having one of those nights- I posted my "top ten sad songs" on Facebook. And just listened to the songs till I got swept up in it and cried and it wore me out, and I eventually feel...Read More...

((RAven)) It's a SUCKY place to be... I hope it gets better soon Incase anyone is interested in a session update; I got lucky enough to be able to see her again this week. Cleared up a 1000 little questions I had today. Which helped, the good thing about my T is she will really push back sometimes - not in a forceful way but she can really be unambiguous and direct. I often find it "defensive" but I've realized it's just her sometimes. I brought a list to help me remember Today my T and I...Read More...

Hi Forgetmenot, I am glad it made sense to you! Anyway what I want to say now is try and stop complicating your analysis of yourself - give yourself a break from that. We can't change our history but we can change our futures. To people who have not been really hurt as such, vulnerability is not a weakness. You are not weak, you are human, and part of being human is being vulnerable sometimes. Think about what you really really want and dare to dream! All the best!Read More...

HIC, I think that is really cool progress that you've made so far!! I think the somatic stuff is different enough that it would be worth trying it out to see whether you find it helpful or not. I have certainly found it to be a great change of pace from simply talking all the time.Read More...

Today (well, technically yesterday), February 28th, the Empire State Building was lit up in green in an effort to bring awareness to Eating Disorders for National Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2012 Here's a link: Empire State Building Recognizes NEDARead More...

That was so cool!!!! Reading again... From an attachment/trust standpoint it all makes perfect sense! No wonder I get depressed, I feel like I can see several moves ahead in the "game" and I try to pretend that I'm never going to hear the words "checkmate". If it is presented as a game, rather than an honest interaction between two human beings, is it doomed to fail? So... found this, just read it this morning, from that book I keep talking about: "If the therapist puts himself behind a...Read More...

I don't feel as guilty today - thank you. It's a roller coaster I've been on - back and forth with feelings of doing a good thing and giving her a chance and feelings of ruining her more. I can't assume that she could have been adopted by a better family. She may have stayed in the system until she turned 18. I just know deep down that I don't give her all she needs and I can't. I hope I can one day. I am working in therapy. And I hope one day she can give to me too. Maybe we can have a...Read More...