((((BB))))) I'm sorry you are feeling so down about Cowboy T. I don't know if I missed what happened to your appointments. What happened? Did you take a break back in October and he hasn't been able to fit you back in? BB, it's important to know that he cares. You need to talk to him how all this screwing around with the appointments makes you feel like he thinks you are boring, etc. etc. Oh, BB, I prattled on for years with my T and he just listened. He waited until I was ready. Until I...Read More...

(((TN)))((((YAKU))))((((HIC))))((((NINNN))))((((SG)))))(((( Thanks for all the good wishes. Hope everyone is doing okay out there. And, SG, I love the Christmas tree. It's so pretty. xoxo Love, LieseRead More...

Hey thanks everyone That's made me feel better. Strummergirl: Yes my feelings were denied. My Stepmother was my main carer and when I would get upset over something, her messages were 'Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about' or 'Wipe it off your face, stop crying. I'm counting to three. 1, 2, 3'. Or I'd be sent to my room to deal with myself alone. I have a vivid memory of being sent to my room and crying it all out for ages until I gave up and played with my toys. I was about 7...Read More...

Good question Hummm, now that I think about it, I'm not quite so sure. My memory of childhood is quite fragmented. If you're talking about vivid memories, well, I remember when I was 5 and I was learning words. I loved spelling. I was in the hallway in summer and I was given a word to try and learn to write. I ran out into the shed, wrote down these words and came back to the hallway. I'm really thinking hard. Haha. I can't remember much of very younger years. I can't remember much of older...Read More...

FMN - I saw your thread too and it resonated as well. I know it has to do with my dissociation, but it is such a contrast to the feelings of being on the verge of crying and unable to let it out (I call that dry heave crying). It has kind of lingered throughout the day (with an occasional bit of emotion, but mostly detachment) and I really don't know what to do with it. xoxo - I think I vaguely remember discussing this before, but my brain is mush right now, so you'll have to forgive me. You...Read More...

((SG)) You are awesome! Thank you for the kind words of understanding and encouragement! It means so much to me. BrokesRead More...

Re: Christmas videos and other Christmassy stuff!Read More...

xoxo, Thanks for the link about object relations...it is giving me some understanding. You had said 'fixation" to me a while back and I keep trying to work that out. Your stuff always gives me relief because I get a little better understanding of what and maybe a little why. As always you are very helpful. HopefulRead More...

I held on to this one for a while, and I think a part of me still does. What I've realized during the past few extremely teary sessions, is that when I am in my Ts office, sitting in the comfy chair, I DO feel held, even though T stays in her chair. I sit there and cry and cry and cry, and I think it's because I feel wrapped up in her words... And as much as I would love to have that hug and be able to lay my head on her shoulder and wrap my arms around her and let her hold me while I sob, I...Read More...

I bet you probably will get angry at New T for a while for not being your old one. But that is OK I think and not something to be too worried about. Getting angry at my T last week and seeing how nonreactively she dealt with it actually increased my trust in her a lot.Read More...

((JANE)) You are so brave, and give me the strength and courage to forge on in my own therapy endeavors. Thank you for sharing everything with us--even though the emotions and feelings are so raw, please know that you are one step closer to healing, my dear. NOW, come here and get behind that couch with me!!!Read More...

Freud, He's a lucky guy, that he doesn't know what it feels like. There's not a heck of lot that could be worse than feeling like that. You're a good person and you didn't do anything wrong. When the problem was brought to your attention, you fixed it. As AG said, we can't anticipate everything and everyone's boundaries. We can only respond when things are brought to us. xoxo LieseRead More...

Thank you for sharing such a beatiful, powerful breakthrough with your lovely T with us, Monte. I can feel the peace it brought, and the release. Love,xoxo, Christmas blessings, BBRead More...

I'm sorry, MTF...I don't remember doing that. Big hugs, BeebsRead More...

AG thanks so much for this! I was feeling a bit down and this has lightened me up. SO lovely! Love animals. xxRead More...

Room2grow, Yes, it does help to know others feel similar. That in itself is conflicting, because I would never want anyone else to feel so bad....but we are all on our own journey and have joined this group to know we are not alone. You're quote about the wall is spot on and made tears come to my eyes. When I was a kid I would have given anything for even one person to climb over and be there so I wouldn't be alone. One person with whom I could trust my heart. Now, I can reflect back and...Read More...

Yes it helped very much thank you. BTW I just found out that the trigger was that, it actually started a few weeks back,had actually not been sleeping well for a while now but from what my sister just said, he was extremely worried about his mom and what he could do to help her because like many times before his mom was in a domestic violence situation with her current boyfriend. This time she had asked him to let her move into his apartment, he said yes then in a matter of days went back to...Read More...

I have ruptures with both of my Ts and they've all worked out just fine in the end. In the ruptures with T1, I tend to get wayyyyy more upset and affected by it than she does. I had a rupture one time with her that was so upsetting that I asked her to please call me before she left town for vacation, so she did and it was at midnight when she finally called me and she had been drinking I think and yelled at me and then got really emotional. It was an intesnse conversation, but it got worked...Read More...

Another funny thread. LOVE this!Read More...

Ack (((df))) I know the confusion and topsy-turvy way you are feeling right now. I am feeling the same in many different and similar ways. Same here. I've been known to apologize in situations that are clearly not my fault at all. I apologize A LOT. I have a tendency to exhaust the situation through intellectualization so that by the end of it, I've somehow managed to place the blame on myself. It scares me to confront, even in a balanced and fair way. I have this automated thinking that is...Read More...

Hi, HIC...I don't think you overreacted at all. That would have thrown anyone, especially since the guy was angry. fwiw, I think it probably makes sense that if he was angry and annoyed, it is likely that he really couldn't find the right house. Still, I'd call the dominoes and ask about it, just to get peace of mind! I remember once, a guy I saw on the street flipped out, and yelled at these people who were driving by. For some reason I confronted him on his anger, pretty aggressively,...Read More...

Thanks for your kind posts. I did her a great funeral, and her family and friends really really felt it was perfect so that was good. I keep finding little gifts that she has given me over the years, from facecream to candles etc. I am going to feel the ache of missing her for a while yet. At least I got a chance to love her that deeply.Read More...

I agree with using laughter as a defense in the situation you are talking about. I find myself saying "it's funny" and even laughing, in therapy, and then I'll sometimes say, "Well, it's not very funny, but...." and can even start crying right in the middle of laughing. I really hope, for myself, that I can stop with the walls and defenses, but I guess I am trying to protect myself....Read More...

((((((df)))))) (((((forgetmenot))))) (((((fot))))) I'm so sorry the holidays are hard for you as well. It seems like family stuff just intensifies around this time of year. Or it is the same, just hurts more. It does help to know I'm not alone in dealing with the holiday blues... I was going to go do a Christmasy thing tonight, but I can't seem to get myself to go... I talked to my brother, and I'm happy for him... and I'm must admit, I'm also downright envious of him - he has a wife and new...Read More...

Jane, I have a similar problem. Sometimes I get almost manic about having everything in my home clean, neat, and organized. Every corner of every room, every shelf of every closet must be in order-- a place for everything, and everything in it's place. I do think I feel better, over all, when my house is like this, even though I can be a bit frenetic about it. Then there periods (increasingly long and frequent I'm afraid) when I just can't seem to bear to straighten anything . Clutter piles...Read More...