I have called the crisis hotline on several occasions, most recently last April. It was a very bad time for me- issues with abandonment, abuse, transference. I tried all day to reach my T and at 9 PM I called the crisis line. It helped me a lot. I had turned his lack of response into more abandonment- not being important enough, etc. The crisis line helped me look at the reality. The guy even said, maybe his kid's are sick, etc. My T ended up texting me at midnight. Calling a crisis line...Read More...

(((TN))) (((starfishy))) It went OK. I didn't hate her. She isn't super-duper, let's med her up. I did present as my most functional me, though, so even though I told her I can get really destabilized, it didn't seem to sink in with her. She wants to see me again in two weeks ("two points make a line") and I can bring Boo if I can't find childcare, although I don't like to bring Boo when I know things might destabilize me. I basically numbed out and gave her my background. She kept treating...Read More...

Thanks DF. After checking in here today, I wrote her an email asking her about 2 x weekly sessions. i didn't exactly ask for it (yet) but asked her how do I know that i need 2 x and then I said that this week I am relieved because I have 2 x sessions. Talk about dancing around the subject - why didn't I just come right out with it!!!!! Anyway - it will start a dialogue and then i will say something.Read More...

Update: I just called T. We had a little chat about things, and she reassured me that she doesn't think differently of me. She is not her to judge me, and all she wants is a full picture of who I am so she can best help me. It did make me feel a little better, but I still am in that longing for more stage where I totally want her to scoop me up into her arms and make everything okay. It only seems fair! So, okay, I don't HATE therapy. Right now, I strongly dislike it. We are working on those...Read More...

Aww thank you! I am humbled and inspired by all of you. How are you feeling - is your T back soon? -TammyRead More...

Yaku, Good luck, I hope it goes well. I know how scary pdoc appts can be. I don't even think that pdoc I saw had paperwork with symptoms. In fact, I am pretty sure I never filled out anything like that. Just name and insurance info was all. Anyway, I hope it goes better than you fear. (((hugs)))Read More...

MTF I totally HATE when that happens It sometimes happens to me with my laptop. The damn computer decides to update something and shut down and restart in the middle of my post! I'd also like to hear how things are going with you... when you have some time and are no longer mad at your computer. Regards TNRead More...

LadyGrey, Thank you for acknowledging how I feel. LL, in fairness to him he did acknowledge that this would be a short session when I arrived; I just don’t think I realised at that point how short 25 minutes really is. In the 2 years that I have been seeing him he has never once been late. Thank you for remembering my previous posts. I think when I’ve posted it’s when things haven’t been going well so it comes across that he is cold when most of the time he gets it spot on which is why when...Read More...

Thanks for another handy (anonymous) quote I am going to whip out next session. This came up for me this week too. I realised that my T 'gives me nothing'. When she is therapising - she is fairly fixed and knows what she is aiming for and does a lot of talking and isn't giving me any body clues back - she is focussed on trying to help me learn something and is quite 'hard edged'. I told her via an email I didnt know what was expected of me and that she gives me no reassurance that she is...Read More...

Hi! I'm sorry to just pop in out of the blue- I know I havent written here in a long while... I've had times where I've wanted to disconnect from my therapist for an extra week, but there I was, returning to him with my tail between my legs. I think the attachment becomes increasingly painful as soon as we recognize our utter helplessness in the situation. One moment you can be basking in the warmth of their affection, and the next moment you can be hit with the reality of it all. I'll never...Read More...

Thanks for the encouragement LG and Beebs I'm thinking about it - it's actually a lot scarier to do than I thought - bit like having a blog and I'm not sure I'm brave enough to do that. LLRead More...

(((DF))) If I understand correctly you are questioning (when you are triggered) if you are actually triggered or just expecting to be and then making yourself feel that way? I am not sure that the latter is possible nor do I think that is what you are doing. I think what you wrote above about not wanting to put narrative to it, but the feelings of being triggered still being there is a great way to approach this with T. As far as triggers getting better, yes they can get better. I have been...Read More...

BI, I can relate,and I think our Ts are used to their clients throwing in the towel from time to time. Therapy is hard work. Hopefully you are able to bounce back to a place where therapy feels good again.Read More...

((((JD)))) I know that feeling. I am wondering if it would feel safe to tell your T about this sudden longing for a hug? In that scenario, you aren't asking for a hug or setting yourself up for rejection, but just opening up the dialogue to feel things out and hopefully find out how your T feels about hugs and what Ts policy is about hugs.Read More...

Monte, thanks for saying that you see true caring in my T's caution. I just feel like a big bag of needs with holes all over. The needs are just flowing out those holes and T's jumping this way to get away from me and jumping that way to get away from me. I remember going to a psychic years ago and she told me that I have an odor (a bad one) only men can smell and she wanted to sell me a soap to bathe in that would get rid of the odor. It makes me sad that even back then, it was so obvious,...Read More...

((((DF)))) So funny. I always think that so many people have it easier than me, lots easier. I'm sure it's not true but I have that in my head. Things come easier to them. All sorts of things. But it seems like all the important things I'm bad at. Relationships, organizational skills, etc. So if struggle is the mark of success, why do you want your past obliterated? Sorry you are having a difficult time with this. xoxo LieseRead More...

Someone, I know how much it hurts and how bad the rejection feels. My T doesn't hug or hold hands either. I went through a long period when I felt as though I just wanted to hire someone to hold me while I cry, that that would be sooo healing. Now I can kind of stand back a little and just feel a bit sad that's it's something I can't have right now. It feels too vulnerable to ask. Maybe when you feel a little less vulnerable you can bring it up. But you shouldn't worry about your T shifting...Read More...

((Stuck)) Thanks so much for sharing in my thread. I have never once thought that about your posts, but I can understand projecting that sort of thing, because I do it literally all the time. I really appreciate you visiting my thread and also you recommending the book. I find it hard to describe myself as shy, because when I say that I am shy or anti-social, every single person I have told that to, without exception, tells me I'm not or gives me a confused look. I guess, because I can be...Read More...

GG, I know its not easy to consider looking for a new T and I also know that the thought of being abandoned by T is even scarier....but it really sounds like she has already abandoned you, and continues to do so, in so many ways. You are in this ongoing painful reenactment of abandonment with your T. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to start looking for another T, to have one in place as a possibility just in case things do not work out with T. You might find in your search for a new T that there are...Read More...

Way to go LG - that is fab newsRead More...

Hello HBshadow Can totally relate to your struggle to talk. My T is perfectly okay with silence and she doesn't try to fill the silence by talking with when I go quiet; which takes some pressure off us both. She says that it is okay to be quiet sometimes and just be together without words being necessary. Also writing has helped with being able to talk sometimes and not always every session even 6 months down the line. She also sticks a post it note and pencil down on my chair so if I can't...Read More...

Lovely to see you again jill, good to hear things are going well.Read More...

This is really interesting to me and I can relate. Sometimes other people change (like your mom) and they can be in tune with your needs - even in they are not expressed. Sometimes, those people that change slip back into their old ways and it may feel all too familiar. I am trying to be in the moment without judging it or trying to figure it out. Maybe that will help you a little bit because there really isn't an answer. It is moment to moment. Hope this helps.Read More...

Incognito, I'm glad you were able to talk to your T and that you are feeling better about your session over time. You are facing a long break, but I'm glad you will have the phone sessions. I hope you have a wonderful vacation.Read More...

Well- it was Appointment day. I didn't admit to the flowers during session. But, I sent her a quick note telling her about it. We will see how our next session goes next week. Today was such a good session-- we discussed us, which I needed. She reassured me that we are working together but that it's ultimately up to me-- and she thinks I'll be the one who comes to her and says "I think it's time for me to go." She mentioned that my case is long term therapy-- I could take my time but I...Read More...