Thanks. Dropped off and picked up H from his session and did grocery shopping in between. Didn't go in when I dropped him off and made sure to get out of the lobby before T came out when we left. I don't think I could have handled seeing him. Sometimes, I like to see him with H and Boo and see him interact with her a bit, if he has time. It reminds me that I am an adult and a mom and makes it a bit easier to not be that little kid when I see him later. However, I guess avoiding that is not...Read More...

((((Sadly)))) Not quite there yet, but I can imagine...after years of not being safe, what it feels like to receive it. I am starting to do so with my T, but it takes so much risk, it is such a slow process. I am so glad you have sweetP with you to walk down these scary paths, step-by-step, and see that you can be safe in his care.Read More...

Well AG, you couldn't have read my mind any clearer than if you were actually in it! My T and I have had a rough few sessions as we're diving pretty deep into this, and other things. While I am aware that this is a huge thing for me to come to terms with, I'm still in the numb phase, as I really don't want to accept this fact. On another note, I'm finally starting to come out of this darkness that has been engulfing me for the last week. Unfortunately, it's going to be rather short lived, I...Read More...

This is a great sign of progress Freud'sFly! I'm very pleased to hear it, too, as you've had some rough posts lately. Good work!Read More...

I know I've said this before TN, but I do so love this T you've got! You deserve someone who is putting YOU first, and whose sole purpose is to help YOU!Read More...

WTG MTF!!! What a HUGE step! So glad you were able to voice those thoughts in your mind. I was particularly proud of this one: My T has asked me that before I and I truly had no answer, and honestly, I still don't know if I do. Keep doing what you're doing, it will get hard, it will get easier, but ultimately, you'll feel so much better! (((((MTF))))Read More...

BB, it is lovely to see you too! and thank you so much for your encouraging words. and your caps come on at a very good time, i like that. yes, it is very hard because no-one knows how hard it really is to even just show up at work and say hello to my co-workers without feeling like the lowest scum on earth, never mind actually do my work and keep up with their crazy deadlines. i am exhausted, physically and emotionally, most of all by my desperate and compulsive attempts to keep up with...Read More...

It's like I have a giant target on my back. We're talking about abiding (T's favorite concept) at church these last few weeks. This week is about "taking off the old," letting old "lies" we've believed surface so they can be removed and replaced/renewed with the truth of God's love and ways for us. Lots of references to childhood stuff, bringing out stuff that we don't even want to remember or think about, to how painful the process is and how we could be tempted to give up, but God knowing...Read More...

LL, I am SO GLAD you posted this and did not delete it. I'm in a bad place with soon to be ex-T and I needed to read this and I want you to know I TOTALLY understand you!!! I also have never heard this, but as I think about it, this makes sense. (I wouldn't want to hear it from a therapist I've just been referred to) but it does make sense to me right now. When I was poorly termed, my new T "saved" me. Knight in shining armor she was. And I was ever so grateful to have someone who wanted me.Read More...

It really proves the very basic rule that your T has learnt the hard way, that a T should NEVER offer something (Ie shift a boundary) however well meaning if they are going to find they need to retract that offer as the damage from the feelings of abandonment are HUGE for the client and really NOT the clients fault I am SO sorry you are going through this, something that could so easily have been avoided by your T - by her not offering it in the first place. It is really therapy training 101...Read More...

Liese - Thanks for your input. I'm dedicated to going back at least through the end of my H's business trip. There is no way I'm cutting off my support while H is out of town. We'll see how things go for now. BB - I think the problem is, and I feel ridiculous every time I say that...the connection with Jesus means a ton to my adult parts. It is a very safe feeling place for any internal mes who are post-conversion (late teens) age and when I am upset in one of those modes, I actually find...Read More...

Can totally relate. Hope you are able to get back on a regular sleep schedule soon.Read More...

Thanks each of you. Mayo: your t sounds very open about endings, you are lucky. Yaku: yes, I have to be ready to hear the answer when I ask the question and as I have not recovered from the 'no holding' answer I don;t think another 'no' would be manageable right now. TN: urgh, my P is in the NHS - so for all I know, they have rules and he LOVES his rules. He would probably read it out from his little rule book. did you know I bought some cushions for the centre as apparently the NHS does not...Read More...

I'm sorry your newT seemed overwhelmed. Maybe he was processing or maybe just making sure you got it all out? I think it would be fine to let him know you need some reassurance that he heard you and you guys are still OK. When I send vulnerable texts or share feelings I have about T that I'm worried about how he'll respond, I often tell him that I just need reassurance that everything is still cool between us. It's always so helpful just to hear back that everything is still "very OK" or...Read More...

aw, STRMS- you owe no apology. I wasn't very clear in my post. Yeah, unfortunately due to budgeting I can't afford longer than 50 minutes once a week, or, alternatively, a double session once every two weeks. and I am slow, I know that. I takes me half an hour to get to the point of being able to say a few things honestly, and then we have only a short time with the real material. I guess that's his reasoning- but, unlike with my SD, I do think T underestimates the huge value of simple,...Read More...

Some actual names (well, more like nicknames like you would call a young child, e.g. finding out Kiddo is only one specific state, rather than all the kid parts like I've been using it) floating up again, but I still just don't feel comfortable with it...and parts of me feel pissed off about that. And, I am feeling completely ridiculous and punishing responses to this. WTF! Seriously...am I not going crazy? Because it feels like I'm losing it here...Read More...

Hi, Ruby, and it is nice to meet you! Sorry I haven't chimed in before this, but I wanted to say one thing- you seem totally normal! I mean, celarly the level of pain and stuff is not normal or ok, I'm sorry you have to deal with that...but...but your responses are seeming really normal to me! (I sure hope so cause I have experienced every thing you have described! ) eeep- maybe I shouldn't say that! Anyway...listen to those smart ladies up there~ they know their stuff! hug, BBRead More...

Welcome here, cmac..I think she means therapeutic contact- at least I hope so for your sake. It sounds like you have established the kind of relationship that would by now be very difficult to break off. That must be very painful to think of. I think you should ask her about what is meant by that, and that if you can still have therapeutic contact even after she retires...it might set your mind at rest, or it might cause a lot of pain, but either way- at least you will know then live in the...Read More...

Yeah, I wonder if she is wanting you to initiate that conversation for some reason? That's the only thing I can think of. Like, I have a woman at our church who when I used to tell all the parents not to say "I missed you" when they picked up their infant/toddler, because they the kid will think, "Oh, I was supposed to miss mom!" She said to say, "I'm so happy to see you," instead. She was an elementary school teacher, so maybe she knew what she was talking about, but I always thought that...Read More...

Good luck and enjoy your lunch. Feel free to PM me if you need somewhere to unleash your expletives! (((DF)))Read More...

Edit: Thanks for the info. I talked with my insurance, they helped to ease some of my worry about it all. The treatment plan is just a form they have for the T to fill out. I guess I sort of messed up by going to an out of network provider. I just never thought I'd claim it on my insurance. If I wasn't so attached to my T, lol, I might think about switching.Read More...

It's good to hear from you. I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. I hope things get better for you soon. Depression is a tough monster to deal with. Yeah, the relationship part is tough and messy. In most therapies, there are different levels of structure and some are more... I guess you could say formulaic, and others are much looser. They have done studies about what works the best, and again and again, they say the theraputic relationship is the best predictor of therapy working to change...Read More...

I think I've posted before, but I imagine my T holding my hand from one of my dreams and that sometimes gets me through. Also, I try to remember really sweet things he has said to me. Imagining myself snuggled into his chest, patting my head like I do for Boo...oh, that is too much. I just almost started crying, LOL. Wow, I am ridiculously sensitive about this whole touch barrier thing. Sadly, can so relate!Read More...

Regarding my mom, yeah. My older sisters got taken away when her boyfriend beat them (which I witnessed, I guess, but don't remember). They moved with their dad. My dad moved back in, because she had a breakdown. According to my oldest sister, when she was home on a visit, my mom ran out into the living room (where my dad was sleeping) and threw herself at him naked and begged him to make a baby with her. He said, "[Mom's name], we have three beautiful children already," and something about...Read More...

UV - sweet for you to call me Kiddo. Wish my T would do it again. Oh, no, I've been seen! Yeah, I call my "executive" part the intellectual or observer. That part and my caretaker part are responsible for at least 90% of how I interact with the world, usually. There are parts of my personality like playful/humorous parts that are pretty cooperative with nearly any state too, though. Ugh, I still feel embarrassed admitting how I divide myself up. Yes, this makes a lot of sense. Feeling myself...Read More...