I have so much work to do!!! always feeling manipulated. I guess you can see why I am in therapy. Are you thinking I was manipulated as a child? It's either that or I am really over the edge psychotic. It's going to take a long time to get straightened out. I did read something interesting about the timing of when your trauma occurs. My early trauma was more of an interpersonal nature. If it occurs when you are as a child still in the preoperational thinking stage, when you think you are the...Read More...

A little while after my appointment with my T something really awful happened. It doesn't have anything to do with therapy. I've been in the midts of it for the past 36 hours, some friends helped in a way I am just numb about right now. I'm feeling really in a state of shock and survival - which I don't need to feel anymore. Im taking everything one very careful step at a time. My T said we could have a check in call tomorrow. It is like a short pre-planned call where we just talk about...Read More...

MH, Good luck on your math test!Read More...

HI Kashley and TN, I am not as strong as I thought I was. All this stuff really hurts. I did see my T on Monday. He was his wonderful self. He told me that he triages his float list. The emergencies get the first open slots. Then people like me who need to come in or who have had a difficult session get the next open slots. And, then, maybe people who have just missed an appointment or whatever are on the third tier. He said it would be unethical to pick on the basis of who pays what or what...Read More...

We just had a major snow- ice storm here as well. I too fear judgement (in my head I know it is all me, though)from T. Interestingly enough, he says that he fears judgement from me too. He even once said that my approval is important to him. Is that for real- or just good T lingo? I know not. Have a great session and I hope you seek the peace you are searching for. Try to connect the 12-18 inches from head to heart- The message that- It is NOT ( and never was ) your fault. I think my T is in...Read More...

stoppers. i am sorry you are having this. i am no diagnostician, but that sounds like dissociation, as the others have said. i echo what the others have said, particularly strm, in asking your t about trauma, ptsd type experience. perhaps she knows what you are saying but doesn't want to alarm you with a name. i think, people with trauma and ptsd are most likely to dissociate. some things i have tried to notice when i do this, is, identifying what may have triggered this? sometimes that can...Read More...

Hi Supermel, Just wanted to say welcome to the forums, and I agree with STRM (I do that alot ), you're story made me both laugh and cringe. AGRead More...

Thanks for this information.Read More...

thanks draggers. i like your two cents!! two pounds!! two euros!! y'no, the more i read, the more i see that the relationship is what heals. oh, i love him. i really do. i know it is transference, but, warm fuzzies all over. i think too, i can learn some skills through the book. the group was cancelled due to weather, and i will try it once and decide on it. i know the skills are good, and there is a difference in learning things live and reading it. too, i know i have a hard time with women...Read More...

Thank you so much. I work in a middle school. The students worked with butterflys- catapillars to cocoons - to butterflys. It is my understanding- that yes it is true. Thanks Janedoe, for the reminder.Read More...

No offence at all dear kashley, you just take good care of you please. We are here whenever you need some support (((((kashley))))) starfishyRead More...

I have only just caught up on this thread and I wanted to send warmth and care to you and say that I am so sorry you had this to carry for so long and I hope you have help and good support now and that you really heal. thank you for sharing and posting and there is not doubt that you have had an awful time in your childhood, truly pain filled and traumatic.Read More...

'feel like' versus 'doing'...yes, every session 'cept one or two with dbt. but i don't, but i tell myself each time going in that i can quit. pa? never, in fact today he cancelled because of the weather, and my inner child felt so hurt, but, i knew the weather was iffy. and the last thing i would want is him to be hurt. so, big jill understands. but... i would never have the urge to skip that, or really, any other t i have had. too, i would hate to have to pay for a skipped appointment. too,...Read More...

Thank you all for your replies. I did ring my P last night and he was very comforting. I also read Incognito's thread and that helped a lot too. I feel so sad and depressed right now, with old P he would drag all of this out into the open and then just leave it there and I didn't know how to cope with it. I am hoping new P will know what to do because I sure don't.Read More...

cnc, i like that. what i would really like, and they spoke of it, is sometimes, for the t to say what they really think. i have never really experienced what would feel like a purely unguarded honest expression. and THAT would be so healing to me, or, perhaps, so educational, to me. so, the honesty needs to be a two way street. yes, they are the professional, but, when i asked my t recently if i irritated her by saying something, she shut her notebook abruptly, stood up (it was end of...Read More...

I just wanted to post my insight for the week. I realised that a lot of the tension and fear I was feeling about EMDR was actually termination fear, and fear of change. That if I actually address my stuff and get better then I won't be able to stay in therapy and won't get the on-going support that I want. At another level this is sort of fear that if I get better, if I start living more out of how I want things to be, rather than my sadness and hurts, I will be alone, isolated. It's like a...Read More...

Dear Pan, Sorry to hear we will see less of you, but glad it is for a happy reason - I hope your new job is fantastic. Good luck with it and do let us know how you settle in when you get the chance. Love, JonesRead More...

Dear Smiley, Thinking of you. Wondering whether you felt able to get to your appointment, and how you are feeling at the moment. Sending hugs and gentle care. JonesRead More...

That's awesome that he reached out to you and wanted to know if you were okay. Its so nice to know when you've been thought about and maybe even missed by T!Read More...

da rock. my two cents. sometimes it is the little things that alert us to the bigger picture. the detail of the confusion is less key than the 'i'm right, you're wrong' attitude of the t...one could at least say, hmmm, i'll have to look... once i finally said to a t 'oh, i get it, you are right and i am wrong, story of my life, wonder why it took me so long to clue in here'... i hate that attitude from a professional, let alone a t. i understand what you say, that this just underlines other...Read More...

Sorry Frog, just checked in now, having a bit of a raw time. I have had strong feelings about my P whilst not in a session. When in a session I seem to respond to him as a father figure or as a collegue strangely. The fantasies about him only went on for a few weeks, but they were really worrying me even though I knew it was 'normal' and the nearest I could do about telling him was to say that my teenage self had a crush on him. As soon as I said that, my fantasies around him vanished. I...Read More...

he he...taking a little break from homework..ughhh...got to get to bed at decent hour tonight.... Thank you so much for your kind words and support Pandora and Jill. 'Repressed' thats a very interesting topic. I'm not sure how it applies in my situation (my brain). I found it shocking I never realized I was in all actuality blaming myself all this time...especially since I felt/and actually was the 'victim'. I mean it makes sense I was completely oblivious to what I was actually feeling and...Read More...

Mac, I am so happy to hear that T has come around and re-evaluated the situation and has agreed to continue to work with you. It sounds as though there is still perhaps some level of anxiety about having to maintain the "mature" composure and not feeling free to let your wall down, but I think in time that fear will disappear. It is refreshing to read a story of a repaired relationship that was on the fringe of Termination.Read More...

I think that explains it beautifully! The super intimate is the awkwardness and um, er, that would be 'Therapy in a nutshell'. Well for me anyway. It is always hard to know whether we have real issues with a T or if we really are making up excuses as the discomfort gets unbearable. It is the push-pull bind AG often talks about, (AG where are you?...) wanting to move closer but being terrified of the expected hurt that the vulnerablity of intimacy brings. Frosty, it is difficult and...Read More...

((((Preppie Girl)))) I am so sorry to hear about the set back with your back. We haven't oficially met since i have been posting, (hello ) but you must be so disappointed at what has happened. I have a few friends who have had back and / or neck ops and they have all been fantastic for them and i hope yours solves the problem, takes the pain away and gives you a new lease on life. PanRead More...