Hi Jill, I don't want to scare you but Topamax can cause hallucinations. I was on it for a short period of time for severe migraines. Hope this helps. Have you tried Klonopin? It is similar to zanax but is stays in your system longer so it lasts longer. PGRead More...

Jill - I can so understand your decision making in the morning. Mine is the same - do I want to go on or not? I don't but I do. Ignoring your problems or accepting them - Hmmmmm.... I don't have an answer really just a thought. Isn't ignoring your stuff kind of like saying, it happened, big deal, move on? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever just accept what happened to me and move on. Things have permeated my life so much that I don't think things could ever be happy and good for real. I...Read More...

I just ran across your post...how did I miss this. I have been trying to step off more often and breathe...but part of my "programmed" tells me that I always have to be doing something, working towards something, accomplishing something. So, the minute I think that I am just going to stay in my jams and watch movies, about an hour into it I start guilting myself..telling myself that I'm wasting the day....I am really TRYING very hard to allow myself to believe that a day spent on the couch,...Read More...

Just wanted to say that I can get into your blog now - thanks Sheychen. And know that I’m thinking of you - especially tomorrow. (((( Sheychen )))) LLRead More...

MH, I am glad to hear that things were better and that you had the chance to go over some of these texts (I hope that helped you know that she is reading and taking in what you send her) I am really glad that she clarified that you could text her and that she wasn't punishing you. Therapy is such a hard process to go through so I think it is brave of you to tackle these issues. Hope your next session goes well. ButterflyRead More...

Hi JaneDoe, One way to go about it would be to think and express what you 'feel' when confronted with your Ts question. What comes to your mind in this situation ? Basically trying to identify and then analyse what is stopping you from trusting, in this case, your T.Read More...

I am sorry if this is going off on a tangent a bit, but I just thought I would share this with you all. I recently (just over a year ago) joined a local Quaker group and (to cut a long story short) found that one of the other members also saw my T from time to time. I can't quite remember the conversation we had about it, but I can remember my friend asking me outright and quite matter-of-fact if my T was XXXXXX (my T's name). It was like my whole world stopped there and then - a very weird...Read More...

i am overwhelmed by the responses and i am trying really hard to fight the voice in my head which says that i don't deserve it, because then your touching words would have been in vain... LL - you are so sweet and so good at helping people feel welcome and saying the right things. i really did feel heard, thank you for that. and i look forward to getting to know you better too. frog - thank you for the welcoming words and for reading my post - it means a lot! janedoe, i was overwhelmed that...Read More...

that is a terrific article, and, i hate identifying myself so strongly there...avoidant...disorganized...that is me. great website too. thanks for posting it, jillRead More...

bb, you take a break, ok?? it is ok. you are fine, we miss you, and we are all a bunch of people who, at least for me, feel often like you are saying about yourself. i hate that. i HATE the people who did this to all of us. i really do. i hate that life is so hard at times, and bb, i hate that you are struggling. please take care, and i do understand what you said in your reply. hugs, jillRead More...

If I remember very clearly what she said - to my husband on the phone yesterday, "I want to do what is best for S and it may be that she comes through the worst bit just now and we can just keep going or it may be that it gets more difficult, I don't know and I may have to help her to move to work with someone else, but I will not just leave her, I will only do what is best for her, because I care about her deeply and I do feel I do not have specialist training in Trauma. but we do not know...Read More...

Thanks, Deepfried, your thoughts did help. I am sorry you are working through trauma as well. I dont think I feel safe at all in the room right now. Except maybe a small bit. My T says that she can see me a little bit more comfortable each time. But I still cant look at her. I usually look at the floor and the door alot. I feel really tense there and cant seem to relax. The way I sit when I get there is the way I sit the entire time. I dont shift or shuffle, or anything. Almost like I am...Read More...

deepfried, I think your poem expresses the duality of what one receives from parents. It is more than kind to them and reflects a lot of hard work on your part. You are released from from owning what is not yours to own and free to take ownership of what you want to grow. It is very thoughtful to also want the same for your sibling. Good for you! deeplyrootedRead More...

Thank you SG, for your thoughtful reply and for offering such encouragement. It is true that what I am seeing is very unfamiliar to the truth I thought that I knew. I resist making the change for fear I am just seeing things. I think it is good that you could tell your therapist that you are essentially performing for him and that you have not reached the root of the issues. I think it is so hard with T because we don't get to know what it is they are thinking or if we are working from the...Read More...

oh Giest, your pain is almost palpable. My heart really goes out to you. this reminds me of an example someone gave of a very hard way to change our thinking. If someone says to us, "don't think of green ballons, don't think of green ballons, don't think of green ballons..." what are we thinking of? green ballons. I can understand a little of why being in an environment that you don't feel safe to express your desires is not helping you not have them. For me, in my own therapy, I want to not...Read More...

JD - So sorry to hear how these people are treating you. Don't worry about your response, it happens and you had every right to "lose it" for a moment. Now you can take your deep breaths and look at it more calmly right? These people don't know what they are talking about and are probably pencil pushers who think more of themselves than they should! Sorry, it just ticks me off when someone does something like this. Anyway, try to remain calm and breathe. Talk to your T again calmly and just...Read More...

Ah, Beebs...just had to thank you again for this delightful thread. Wishing you Cookies and Cream dreams under Mint Chocolate Chip skies. And hoping you make Moose Tracks back to us real soon. JD...did your local B&J's have Chubby Hubby? STRM...LOL!!! That was great. SGRead More...

AG - wow, thank you for your kinds words and feedback. that has me thinking... When I started this therapy, my goal was to be more aware of what I am feeling - essentially be more present with myself. These horses that have gotten under my skin, are terribly present with how they are. They don't hide anything! If they are scared, it's obvious, if they are sleep, hungry, tired... anything. It's clear. I can trust that the horse is being itself, it's true self. I don't wonder. I've been...Read More...

Actually, I'm not too sure but just checked. The article is linked to http://www.resurrectionafterra...ecoveryresource.html There are some other interesting on that page written by Matt Atkinson. "Matt Atkinson is a social worker with a background in work with trauma survivors...In 2004, he became the first male given the National Award for Outstanding Advocacy and Community Work in Ending Sexual Violence by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center. In 2005 he was awarded "Most...Read More...

That was very brave of you. I am really happy that you are able to feel her caring again ButterflyRead More...

BB, You're such a sweetheart! I know the possiblilty of my T reading is extremely slim, and I guess this would be the one time I wouldn't want her taking an interest in me. It is just my paranoia kicking in. It was a fear I had before I joined and almost stopped me. You're so called 'scary thread' is not throwing me off at all, in fact it is giving me comfort to hear I am not the only one that this worries. Also helps with the reality check I know about the kind of upset attachment causes oh...Read More...

Hi there Deepfried, great question! I`ll try to come up with a list in order to offor some support! (and i`ll like to join the refuge to work! ) so, here we go: Things getting in way of my healing/therapy: - Therapy-boomerangs (i dont know if thats even a word? - i mean stuff that seems to never be "closed down" but constantly seems to return and actualized over and over again..!) - General stress. - anxiety before session, heartbeats and nervousness the first 5 minuts of the session - My...Read More...

I think it's wonderful that you are able to ask your T to help you do this! Good for you, BG...but I am so sorry for the pain of your situation. You don't deserve to be treated so badly. Let us know how it goes... BBRead More...

Aw Frog thanks for my hugs - that means a lot to me. You know I reckon you're right on about not going into session with an agenda - I've found that the worst sessions I have are those where I've gone in with a headful of prepared things that I *must talk about* - for some reason that seems to upset the therapy - probably because I have preconceptions about how T is supposed to respond. And anyway, your attachment isn't going to run away and hide anytime soon is it? Plenty of time for you to...Read More...

forlorn, your list is truly beautiful, and i want all of those things, too, and i have asked the same question, and wonder, going into most appointments, what do i need this for??? i still ask it, i hate to trigger you by agreeing, but, i wonder it daily. i don't really have an answer, except for i know there is one thing preventing me from doing these things, and that is FEAR. fear of sadness, fear of risk, fear of letting anyone know the real me, fear of being excluded, fear of fear. i...Read More...