thanks everyone... LL - oh, you are so right! It is a worm that eats away at us... _________________________________ I have to say, yesterday was a much better day in the battle with the shame. Today, I'm just mixed up. I begining to understand it all a lot more and that combined with even the simple (and often repeated) task of identifying my shame as shame (and not the definition of who I am) seems to be helping lighten the load and be a little less weary. I travel on to fight another day...Read More...

{{{{{{{{Agent}}}}}}}} Missing a T is so terribly painful...I think it's safe to say we all really get this...they occupy a very special place in our hearts that no one else can. I am also a champion fantasizer when I'm in pain so I can really relate to that refuge you mentioned. I'm really glad to hear you contacted your doctor to help you find a new T. I hope the next one can help you work through the grief over losing your last T, and continue the work that you want to do in therapy. And...Read More...

FOT, You have every right to be angry!! I don't remember where you live but in NY state what your Ps office did would actually be a violation of the law. At a minimum, you probably have a pretty good basis for a civil law suit. I do think it's a breech of ethics that your privacy is being treated so cavailerly. Confidentiality is important in any medical field, but doubly so in a psychiatric practice. I understand forgiving it the first time it happened. Everyone is human and mistakes...Read More...

Oh, so sorry MTF. Would love to hear what happened when you are ready. I can't imagine going so long between appointments. I can barely manage 4 or 5 days. You are amazingly strong to go that long!!Read More...

AG: Yes I am sure this is true, she has pointed this out to me so many times already. What everyone said here is really really helping to clarify...but I will still bring this up with her in the next session. This helps so much, thank you! I was seeing "learned helplessness" as a sort of accusation of laziness...but when you explain it this way, it doesn't seem like an accusation at all anymore. Much more like another erroneous belief that needs to be brought out into the light so it can...Read More...

Thanks all!!! I have a really good feeling about this too.Read More...

WLOH, I understand how hard it can be to post at times but please just pop in and let us know how you are. We are thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. TNRead More...

Amen, Starfish...that seems very wise DF! JD, I would feel awful if I thought it would never get easier. Personally, I think we will always go through times when things will be difficult, yes, but we will also have many of the times that are easier and less strenuous. Human beings need times of rest, recovery and regrowth, and that is no wrong, but it's those times we wait for and hope for, in fact! Then, after such times, we may begin again to push to a new level of growth, when we are...Read More...

TN, I'm curious about the idea of dissociation. I see it a lot here on the forum but I'm not really sure what it means. What actually happens when you dissociate? There are times where my head is so foggy I can barely think straight, but I've gotten so used to it that I can actually think and function in spite of it now. There are also lots of times where I'll totally forget what we talked about in a session, but with a word or two from my T - or if I really think hard - it all comes back to...Read More...

Aww, you all are so great I'm beside myself. Thanks for the encouragement and support everyone! It helps to have those positive vibes and I hope I can keep them with me on Friday when I'm sitting there scared as ever trying to get out all the stuff I need to get out to my T. I so appreciate this place and what I get here. Too bad my T doesn't really know how great you all are, or I think she would love you guys as much as I do!! I'll be sure to post about it after I have a chance to gather...Read More...

IHTS Sorry its so tough for you - feeling lonely amongst everything else is really hard. I hope you can feel supported though it here at least. starfishRead More...

Yes, our tax dollars at work.Read More...

Aw, thanks for the kind words, Jones. Lots of times I'm not a good mum, though. But yes, it is the most beautiful nightie in the world...and she is wearing it tonight, so I get my comfy ones. yay! BBRead More...

Welcome Elle. That's a pretty name. I hope you will feel comfortable in our group...and that you can find some caring and support for yourself here. I'm sorry you are suffering, and I hope we can ease your loneliness a little bit. I have often gone through times in my life when it felt truly like no one cared. But after some therapy and work, I was able to at least be able to see a little bit of the caring that was available to me for the asking around me. Let us know how you are faring. BBRead More...

Hey Echo, I'm so glad that you are feeling a little better about your T. I can hear that you still have some reservations about her, but at least she's encouraging you to be open with her about the process. I have to say that I think I would be a little put off if I had to do an "art project" after reading an article. I'm OK at art...not great, just OK, and so I need to feel inspired to do something artsy in order to do it. I wouldn't want to feel obligated to do any sort of art, either. But...Read More...

oops, hey Jill, I'm sorry - I didn't mean to take this convo somewhere else by opening the art therapy thread - I just didn't see this one at the time. But we can hopefully have 2 convos about art therapy, right? This exercise reminds me of games we used to play as teenagers - describe a house, a path, a tree, a cup, a wall... each thing is supposed to represent something inside you but I can't remember them all now.Read More...

Aw, thank you Mayo! We are all trying hard, aren't we? oops just to clarify, Jill brought this thread back, not me... BBRead More...

LL, To me it sounds like this therapist is making an attempt to connect with you by exposing the fact that she has sat where you are sitting and understands how you might feel. It's so scary to take a T at face value and to let ourselves trust, at least enough to set aside our negative assumptions of them. I hope your search for a T and all the confusion will end soon. deeplyrootedRead More...

Thanks so much everyone for your beautiful words. BB, I NEEEEED to see video footage of the BB dance...to SG's electric guitar riff! it is for therapeutic purposes. Yeah, party in the woods.... As for you, AG, you're making me blush - thank you for saying those lovely things. I am having moments of missing T, feeling sad about the things we can't finish together. But mostly it feels complete somehow. Thank you all for making this the right place to to work on processing this. Kashley and...Read More...

AG I wasn’t around to reply straight away to your post - I’m so sorry you got hit with such an onslaught of illnesses. I hope you are heaps better now and getting back into stride - sounds like you got really thrown there for a bit (thank God for your wonderful T!) I also hope your husband is now ok and everything settles back down. So much for a vacation huh? Maybe it’s better for the health not to take holidays lol. Good to see you back AG! LLRead More...

Thank you Lamplighter - no you didn't upset me. You have to kind of read between the lines. He did allow a couple friends to visit. He was there 8 days and discharged. He still can't see me. I know he is being genuine. There seem to be so many different reactions to abandonment. Some folks cling too tight to their mate from fear. My partner has a fear of attaching. A trauma in his childhood taught him that emotional closeness = vulnerable = panic and then his choice is to flee (flight or...Read More...

Oh, that's it exactly. And it's such a messed up notion, but I can't get past it. I just wish I understood. I need more patience. You hit the nail on the head again, BB. That was a major problem I had with my last T and in group therapy, since both of those were limited to a small number of sessions. Getting into 'deep' emotional stuff just didn't seem worth the turmoil. I can't imagine having the month in between (I admire you for being able to deal with that), because digging into unknown...Read More...

Hi DR - I'm so glad that you found another T, thank you for telling us about it, it sounds like you are working VERY hard and it is amazing to hear about, especially all the details of what you are learning about yourself in being "forced" to take things slowly - paying attention to yourself and how you feel, emotionally and in your body, also making other connections and turning to others for support - this is all good for me to hear, being a really good isolater myself. And I'm glad you're...Read More...

Interesting topic- My T is always telling me to pay attention to my body- but hard for me to do. Yes, yes I do (or used to) get the crawling scalp pins and needles in session (have to rub my head when that happens) and the vague body emotional stuff- strong. This has increased lately- it is extreme embarrassment (so extreme I can't talk and can not stay there)mixed with sexual stuff. Something my T says- triggers this, but I don't know what he says. I know it is about love, and my crossed...Read More...

Wow FOT the more I read, the more I feel blessed by the T I have - warts and all.Read More...