*GULP!* Thank you Russ, I am amazed at how all of you here in just a few short months have taken more time and shown more concern for me than my foo ever did in my entire 43 years! I am so moved by this experience I can never go back to their lies and evil plots to hold me in their internment. Thank you all so much. And Russ, you're right about the psyche being the hardest kind of therapy. Because it is our soul that our parents have hurt, that is why the hurt is so deep and takes so long to...Read More...

Sure thing Robin... I'll let you know what I come up with. I'm sure it will be weird, but we are used to weird and have even learned to embrace it! SDRead More...

When I was going to therapy many years ago I saw my therapist in my apartment complex. I was living in a pretty big city at the time, so it wasn't AT ALL expected. It turned out she lived there, in the same apartment complex as me. Our mailboxes were in the same spot. That was waaaay awkward for me, and I always made my roommate get the mail from then on. And it seemed every time I left my apartment, I was on the lookout to make sure she wasn't walking to her car. Now, I see my son's former...Read More...

Hi Incognito- I'm glad that you survived through your session! I have to say that you seem to have made an amazing breakthrough with your T. I want to reiterate what everyone else has said just because it is true and worth saying a million times until you believe it: You were a child. It was in no way your choice or your fault. Your body reacted the way your body is made to react and there is no shame in that. In addition, I wanted to take a sec to comment on the paternal transference aspect...Read More...

Many thanks to ya'll for the well-wishes; I appreciate. I'm practically excited, too - though I know I'm looking down at the road at some serious pain and discomfort. As you said. Thanks.Read More...

JM & SongBird, Thanks for the wonderful feedback. You guys are f*&^$ng awesome! SB, good for you for making the effort to express your own anger. I'm sure it will please your T to no end to see you get pissed. My T tells me that exploding in a rage does no good. What we need is to bring focus to our anger and express it with real, clear assertiveness. When he told me this, I didn't believe him, but I'm starting to believe he's right, now. JM, you make a really good point about...Read More...

right!Read More...

I think therapy often makes things worse for a little while - the stuff kind of turmoil of the mind that we're always talking about. I hope you've been able to talk to your T about the stuff you post here, and I'm glad you're still going. I know talking about quitting and actually quitting are different. It's just a hard, uphill battle most of the time, I think. I hope you're willing to talk, and I'm happy to hear from you. Take care of yourself 'till you post again, Kats!Read More...

Hi emerald... Just thought I'd add a nickel here...2 cents is just not enough these days. First...anyone who sees a T, has a diagnosis. They have to write something down My primary care physician even has a mental health diagnosis written in my chart. It's not the most accurate one but I had to tell her what my diagnosis was because she had to know...and if she knows...she has to document. We picked one that would not impact me socially but was still a part of the cluster that fit me. She...Read More...

I have been told this all my life by all sorts of people. It feels like they are telling me to grow 2" taller and erase all of my freckles so that I will then be able to "fit in." This is just who you are, and if you had been nurtured and protected properly while growing up your sensitivity and passion would feel like incredible assets that would draw others to you not shameful flaws that need to be hidden. I hate being sensitive and intense, it hurts most of the time and can be really...Read More...

I bet that meant a lot to him that you told him that. I am sort of moving closer to my new T now. I have told her some new things that I thought she'd judge but she was actually sympathetic. I opened this thread because I feel so scared today. I don't know what it is either. Perhaps an emotional flashback? It's intense. Trying to keep my heart from racing. It's so miserable.Read More...

You are wise! I didn't realize it until I did look her up! It was a strange alienating feeling, like "oh yeah she has this whole other life I don't know about or have anything to do with." Then I felt like a spy or something. It helped that she told me to google her so now I feel a little less guilty. I did tell her that I already knew about that. lol PL Yeah you shoulda seen my face. I swear I didn't even have to tell her that I already googled her. My red cheeks were a dead give away! (I...Read More...

Hi again, Okay you guys are just so nice. I was afraid to look in here again. I even squinted my eyes while I opened it up. Thanks for your encouragement and kindness. This is an extraordinary group of people here. So gentle. Emerald, I didn't know you were new too but I see that now. I would like to know you better too. JM you are just the sweetest person. I am so grateful you are here. You are far from an idiot too! Same to you AG so helpful and always there to reassure. Your honesty and...Read More...

I think I learned to trust my T a little bit at a time. I tested him over and over again and he always passed my tests. I would venture further and further with him and it always turned out well. But even then I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop... for something he would do that would send me running from him. I expected the worst and got...well I got the very best I've ever had in my life. You see it was not that I didn't trust him it was just that I could never trust anyone...Read More...

PL you described exactly what happens to me. Wynne this is a very good question. And it is something that after a year we are still fine tuning. My T is usually good about winding down the session with 10 minutes to go and that allows me to get the emotions under control. Sometimes that is very difficult and when session is over I go to sit in his reception area. It is usually empty at the time I see him on Monday...he is usually the only T working those midday hours. He told me I am welcome...Read More...

I googled my T and my Dr. Just to find out more about their credentials. It felt sort of weird at first but I wanted to know who these people were that were going to be looking into my health, both mentally and physically. My T found out when I she quoted me her price and I said that her web page had a different price. Felt like a real stocker. We laughed about it and all is good. At one point I wanted to know more, and sometimes I still think I want to know more, but the connection we have...Read More...

Ok HB (she gets out a REALLY BIG pad of paper and a gigantic pen) Thanks PLRead More...

Wynne, I always love your questions and I get why it would be a little confusing. When I was a kid, I had a LOT to be angry about but I wasn't able to express it, so it kept getting shoved down and pushed away. But more anger kept coming because the abuse was long term so in sense the pressure kept building. And kids' rage tends to be pretty murderous even under the best of circumstances. Part of what we're supposed to be taught is how to handle our anger, channel it responsibly and find...Read More...

AG - I'm so happy to hear he hung up your cross stitch and the very nice comments! That has to be a very nice feeling. River - I also think it's great your T "forgot" about returning the scarf. I've never given any T a gift, probably because I'm to afraid of the feelings that would come before and after. I did give my son's T a gift last year but that was before I was really talking to her and so there was no real stress involved (except the usual which one do I pick/I hope she likes it that...Read More...

Laundry's not a good gauge for my family because it's always behind! But I will tell you that I can gauge my progress in therapy based on how much I can get done. My husband and I used to fight about housework and the state of our home constantly (Full disclosure: I'm domestically challenged. OK, full full disclosure, my mother kept an impossibly immaculate house, so if the place is really clean, I worry about what's really going on. So if I ever come to visit HB could you do me a favor and...Read More...

Here's the lyricks to that song: Samy Take this man to prison, the man heard herod say, And then four squads of soldiers came and carried him away. Chained up between two watchmen, peter tried to sleep, But beyond the walls an endless prayer was lifting for his keep. Then a light cut through the darkness of a lonely prison cell, And the chains that bound the man of God just opened up and fell, And running to his people before the break of day, There was only one thing on his mind, only one...Read More...

You're right - the song is inspiring. I even listened to it again earlier today. Usually I listen to Nirvana when I'm down and out... I don't know why but it calms all my wandering thoughts. I went to my T today and she asked me how I was doing and it took me a while to come up with the answer. I told her I feel like I can't think clearly, a bit depressed, not as worried about everything as I have been, but told her all the things I said in the beginning of this thread. She really didn't...Read More...

You're right, JM. I was complaining that he wasn't encouraging enough. Thanks again, everyone. You guys are the best. RussRead More...