That fight/freeze/flee response is very powerful for me. I have even gone to the extreme of asking my T to lock the dead bolt. I have no idea if that is to keep me in the room so I don't run away or so no one else can come in when we are intensely processing information. Whatever the reason, I think it helps calm me down to some extent.Read More...

Nannabee, Thank you for your reply. It is so helpful to know I am not alone in this. I have the same dreams over and over too. Yes, the sense memories are strong too. I am working at allowing myself to know it was real too so I can work through it.Read More...

(((CD))), Thank you! I am in an outpatient center now and some of the people who are on the naltrexone are having some bad side effects so I was leary. I actually don't have specific cravings for the pills....my problem is I would ingest anything that would numb me...blah. Well I've got 28 days off of everything right now so thats good. Anyways, thank you for your response. I'm glad to be back as wellRead More...

Thanks (((liese))) and (((caroola))). I am SO GLAD I emailed her. I got a reply this morning and I hadn't realised until I felt huge relief, yhat part of me was expecting her to NOT reply - that she had made an empty promise; she disnt mean it when she said I can email her while she's on holiday... a short reply - best bit is at the end when she said 'see you at your next app Friday week". It was half a day past 2 weeks when she said it but its what I needed to hear so badly.. I hugged my...Read More...

Glad to hear it. So now you can allow yourself to feel everything you feel about it. Except guilty, I hope!Read More...

((Monte))Read More...

Hi Monte... yes T got some good stars in the book and yesterda he got a few more. Things have been good. Difficult but good. Hi Becca... I hope you had a great vacation. That is very sweet of you to want me to succeed so much in therapy. I realize that I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful T. He may not be a great T for everyone as he is challenging and tough and expects a lot but he is a great match for me. I needed someone who is strong and very clear about what he thinks. And I do...Read More...

Hi True North - Thank you so much for reading and replying to my post. As I read your reply, everything you wrote resonated with me. Thanks for putting to words what I could not. I do feel very disconnected with T1 and feel like I shouldn't. I was quite angry with him a few weeks ago, but then it transitioned to being numb. Maybe it just turned into repressed anger. I am starting to attach to T2. I only have two more sessions with her, but I am thankful for her reliability and stability. I...Read More...

First, I'm so glad you're determined not to make yourself responsible for the wrong things your family did to you. I've looked into the descriptions of attachment styles, too, as I'm a dismissive type, according to T. (otherwise known as omnipotent denial). I think you could determine better than anyone, which category most describes you, just by thinking of how you are with people. But, again, it's complex and people can be mixtures of styles.Read More...

T said to me that the reason I can't ask anyone to do anything for me is because it reminds,subconsciously, of when the answer "no" was life threatening, back when I was little and dependent on caregivers.Read More...

I just recently "confessed" my transference feelings for T. It was so scary my muscles tensed up until I was nearly paralyzed. So embarrassing knowing she was waiting for me to get up the nerve. But she was so accepting and reassuring. You mentioned your T knew you had something important on your mind you couldn't say. T is smart. I'm so glad my T kept after me in little ways, not letting me off the hook for long, but gentle about it. I'm so relieved now, as if a milestone has been reached.Read More...

(((SP))) thank you for sharing things for you also. I do believe some of it may be sexual only because I'm sharing my body (eek). I do feel safe with who I am spending my time there with and we talk extensively about likes/dislikes... I've never had such an open relationship that way. I talked with T last night and a lot of her thoughts were two fold... One was addiction. It's a chemical thing, and naturally provides a sense of comfort for me. She said she doesn't believe in cold turkey but...Read More...

hi anna, nice to see you again and i'm glad things are going well for now, although it sounds pretty painful not having the certainty of appointments with your T being so busy... i hope you continue to get the help that you need. puppetRead More...

Can so relate to this. Ugh dependence, attachment, longing, the pain. Thanks for having the courage to discuss.Read More...

Thanks for your reply, Ninn. We took a break for a while, now he would like to continue back with EMDR. But, like he says, it is always "my call" as far as what kind of modality we do in therapy. He thought getting in touch with my "parts" would be a good thing to do before the next round of EMDR, to make sure all of my parts are up to continuing EMDR. I guess the parts modality is Internal Family Systems work. That's a new modality for me, too. You know, "All Parts Welcome," as they say.Read More...

Coldplay's "Fix You" When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try...Read More...

PASSION FRUIT, I really identify with practically everything you said. I was trying to do the same thing - control my T's feelings towards me. I have a four year old too! Of course, would love to see how it all gets resolved since I was not able to resolve it with my old therapist but only as much as you ever want to share.Read More...

I took another peek because I forgot to turn off auto notification and saw there was a reply. CAN'T ignore that! Auto notification off now but, Liese, thank you - your reply made me smile. I'd like to see a thread about "disobedience" w/r/t T's guidance - when do we think we know better than T and were proven right or wrong; if wrong, did we do it again, etc. Oh, wait, I won't get to see it. Must. Sign off. Now.Read More...

I guess you are saying that you cannot (yet) feel a connection with him in session. He isn't present for you in a way that feels meaningful and is possible for you (looking at someone when crying is really hard to do to be fair). It seems such a big risk to reach out, in case you find that there is no one there - and that would be too much to cope with. I have had therapy where, just at the wrong moment, the therapist feels miles away - far across a ravine, like a dot on a way off mountain...Read More...

Thanks people. I'm suddenly aware of a very forlorn little girl inside - the feeling is so powerful I am teary. What could a little waif like her do to provoke the abuse and rejection... the worst feeling is those feelings of needing to be loved. Wondering how, if, when anyone could love that part of me. sbRead More...

Oh, TN, I'm so glad for you, that your T is willing and knowledgeable about the inner child work! I wish I could see your T, and then I would know that my inner child stuff would be treated with respect and wisdom. I'm almost at the place where you are, just beginning to trust the T to treat the child so neglected and abused. Yet, I'm not sure my T knows and treats Transference like yours does. I know I would get well with that wise treatment. I just hope you can stay with it and trust more...Read More...

Let me try out a few Yup. Love them!Read More...

(((CAT))) I think you nailed it: a jerk is a jerk is a jerk. The effect is the same no matter the motivation behind the behavior. I am hesitant to blame bad behavior on trauma, even if trauma is present. Some people may genuinely have trouble managing the finer points of relationships because they're hurting. But if someone is being an outright pain in the arse, it's probably because they're inclined to be a pain the arse. In other words, they're probably acting like a jerk IN SPITE OF their...Read More...

ElizaJ Thank you for your kind words here!! So hard to be kind to myself.Read More...

I hope that, too. Thankfully, I haven't had any gut-deep concerns about my T crossing the line - just my general paranoia. At last session, I talked about my fear of connecting with him, that it was causing alarm bells to go off in my head because of my past experience with men, that it was hard to accept that he didn't want anything from me, etc. He said all of that was totally understandable and that my psyche was functioning just as it should. He said the natural process of connecting...Read More...