I'm so happy for you Elsewhere. Especially that you find her nice and similar approach to your old T. I understand the sad feelings with it though - perhaps it's processing the ending with your old T (ending as in unexpected rupture due to her being off sick unexpectedly). Also relate to having to pay a lot to see a T. I do too. Some weeks I pay the same as my mortgage payments for the treatment I need and I'm still recovering financially from 3 months off sick without any income from the...Read More...

Moi?Read More...

(((liese))) Thank you, that helps me so much to know that, it cuts through my shame storm It is amazing how short a time the wrong T can leave a trail of damage I remember telling T2 that exT only had 20 hours with me and so much harm resulted. Less than one day!! But again, thank you for helping me not feel so ashamed of all thisRead More...

I like that idea... I may give that a try and see how it goes too. It seems like it can't hurt, and having a sense of control is pretty important.Read More...

Thank you TN and MsC for your replies and support. I will return to this thread at another time. I am in a very bad emotional space today and just am shutting out the world because I no longer want an audience for my pain. Thank you so much.Read More...

you didn't miss anything, and you're a dear ((((Leise))))Read More...

Thank you so much, Liese and Caroola. Your words and hugs help a lot! <3Read More...

The confusion isn't unique to us, the clients - that's why most Ts have supervision We all need someone to talk to about what's going on in our heads, with someone subjective who can help us understandRead More...

Wow. If she was really good at her job she probably helped a lot of people over the years ... A kind of penance perhaps. Wonder what her clients think of it all now? Not sure how I'd feel if it later was revealed a T I'd seen had done something so big and hidden it ... Worded feel quite betrayed in a way - certainly would make you question how sincere they and been in their dealings with you...Read More...

((((GG)))) Wow what a powerful story.Read More...

Elsewhere I am so so so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going through . It's one of my huge yet unspoken about fears if mine that my T will get pregnant and go on maternity leave. Because if my issues with 'motherhood' for me it would feel a worse betrayal than if she just terminated me. I don't knw where you live or what system you're in - I'm assuming it's a public system? Is there ANY chance you can go privately to see a T? Even if you...Read More...

I would be grossed out too at the suggestion it was my mother I 'really' wanted to hold me - no way. Like. BLT - my mother held me too. In a lot of ways she was a so called typical middle class housewife married to a man of good standing in the community. She baked us birthday cakes and held us birthday parties. She knitted and sewed my younger sister and I matching outfits. She fostered our love of reading, took us to the movies, on picnics, ice-skating. In winter she even stood outside in...Read More...

"About" I had such a Da JA Vu experience in your description about your mom. Sad to say, I was raised by an aunt who sounds just like her outlook on life. You so much have to believe in yourself and a better way of life. She must have had a rough bringing up herself...not to excuse anyone. But it's been $80,00 later and I'm just now learning how to treat myself with kindness and love. I hope you stay in therapy. I told my T last session that I might stay in therapy the rest of my life, if I...Read More...

My greatest hope, honest and truly, is to live forever in the Snoopy dog house she has under her desk.Read More...

Thank you AH. You have the very same resilience added to strength and courage. And one day it will be you lending your hope to others on here. I hope you are doing okay. Hugs TNRead More...

AG and Mallard, I will definitely look up those books. Knowledge has been a life saver for me. I'm deep into regression with my T now and I just don't know how I could make it through such strong emotions without knowing what's going on. Thanks a million!Read More...

Thank you all for the thoughtful comments. Cat.. I wish I knew my T's favorite song or even favorite type of music. I do agree that sharing certain music can be very intimate because it says something about ourselves that can link to deep emotions. I guess that is why I have found it difficult to share music and also react with anxiety after I do share with T. I don't think we would ever play music in the background while in session as it's too distracting but playing a specific song for...Read More...

Hi All, I've been wanting to come back to this discussion for awhile now. Life has just been really busy for me. I have been reading Brene' Brown's the gifts of Imperfection. It is a really little book and I've skimmed the whole thing but I find that to truly understand and absorb what she is saying I have to go back and read very slowly and sort of sit with it. In the book she lists 10 guideposts to living a wholehearted life. The second guidepost is letting go of perfectionism and...Read More...

Thanks SB. I really really struggle with the concept of 'it's safe in the here and now' - I really really struggle with that because the flashbacks are so real and cos they are so SEAMLESS - the past and present float together in and out and I get so dissociated... And the feelings are so damn awful I'm unable to tolerant them even for the 'few seconds' they are there I used to be told 'just tell yourself you're an adult now , you have more choices, you're safe' but then I went through the...Read More...

((((RM))))) Good point about the message I was sending her. It's so important to pay attention to how we teach people how to treat us and/or what messages we are conveying without intending to. I know lateness often drives some people crazy and that it is seen is rude. I often have a ton of anxiety leaving my house that I am trying to get a handle on so I can be more prompt. Also, since we weren't allowed to have feelings as children, it became important to me to NOT let other people know...Read More...

Hello Affinity, Thank you so much for you reply. And many many thanks to your helpful tips. I will practice them starting now. I'm sorry you too have are going through this painful process. I know each day gets better. Even though I hate that you went through it, it's good to know I'm not alone in my feelings and obsessions. Last Friday, I decided once and for all to send her an email to have MY formal closing session. I told her how she hurt me and gave explicit examples of how she crossed...Read More...

Thank you to everyone else who gave feedback. I wasn't going to publish this anywhere else, but since so many found it helpful, I might look into where else I could make it available.Read More...

Yes. My T has actually said all of the above on a couple of occasions. The ET does a lot of different (seemingly contradictory) things for me: distracts from my pain, simulates intimacy, keeps me from real (scary) intimacy, feeds my (false) sense of power, feeds my shame, etc. T and I discussed this a little bit yesterday. He said the little girl inside of me has (age-inappropriate) erotic desires caused by abuse. Of course, it would be horrifically destructive to cater to those desires.Read More...

I was wondering if you gave your therapist the stone ElizaJ before she left and what her reaction was? I have given my therapist a few things over the years , but never anything before a break.It is quite a comforting idea that she would have something with her I think. I would die for a note.My therapist would never write a note, so I am particularly jealous that you may of gotten one .Read More...

I very much appreciate the responses; they've offered some needed perspective. I hesitated to post, but decided to do so because this therapy dilemma has been going on for months now and I haven't known how to handle it. Jones--You write for therapy, too, huh? That made me smile. And I was glad to know I am not alone in needing what I've written to matter to my T for it to be worth it to me to continue to write. That was validating. I do want to talk with her about doing things...Read More...