I kinda think we always knew, but to hear it said.........Bugger of a thing eh?Read More...

Hi cogs! Yep, Prazosin is what I'm on just the tiniest dose it goes I think. Woke up to another great morning after another great sleep. It also helps me fall asleep. I'm afraid to sleep too, right now I'm afraid of my own bedroom and sleeping out on my couch.Read More...

no problem TAS. you didn't sound grumpy towards me at all. I hope that T does call you tomorrow.Read More...

Just caught up with it all.Read More...

Anonymously...thank you I hope he does call. If he doesn't...I can not bear the thought of him seeing how difficult this is for me...and yet, not replying. I want to FEEL he cares, and that feeling eludes me...I am trying to be an adult about this but I feel I am getting close to throwing out all decorum...I am hoping for the best...Read More...

I'm sure your XT will receive it CD.Read More...

Whatever word or gesture that indicates he is temporarily/selectively deaf. Thats the time I ask if he is having (another) TIA~ Mini stroke.Read More...

Mudd, how awful. There really are no words. Wanted to let you know I was feeling with you as I read this latest. I think it would be so good if your H could bring himself to read that Fatal Distraction article. I had actually read it before now. . . a friend sent it to me when my daughter was a few months old because we were talking about a similar incident we had heard of. I wondered how it could happen. The article completely tore me up. Definitely increased humility and compassion. It...Read More...

Hi AG, Thanks for commenting and relating. I'm glad I made some sense, lol, felt I was in a bit of a fog when I wrote my posts. Yeah, I can definitely see not wanting to relate with T socially and how that might have connected to the feeling of dread. I am wondering what further is behind that feeling. I'm sensing, for me, it's less about the experience of vulnerability and exposure that could result from a possible meeting with T and more coming from a kind of toxic shame that I am not...Read More...

I ended up crying and being able to express myself... my T for the first time said 'You look just miserable'. (Thanks, man!) I was a quivering mess... by the time I got to the couch. Thank you guys for commiserating with me. I do spend sooo much time intellectualizing, especially out of therapy that it's so hard. Plus, I feel pushed away right now and scared of some changes coming up. I understand about the clock thing, too - I start trying to get better very fast. The times I have the most...Read More...

The break will be an hour and a half session with T, and hopefully getting more agro out. .Read More...

I still really don't see the friendship. None the less, I'm glad you have a positive and close relationship with her - you're definitely not in a minority there, minus the kissing... I don't kiss friends or therapists - just my pets for nowRead More...

Hey Mudd under the message box when you are writing there is an "add attachment" bit. Click on that and see what happens.Read More...

(((River))) i know you're having a hard time now so i really appreciate your input. it sounds like you understand that therapy can really magnify your issues. yes, these are things that affect my daily life, and they are not nearly as profound as they are in therapy, but they do affect my quality of life none-the-less. P.S. you'll really name your next born after me?!?!? you have laid down the gauntlet, girl! inner-child work is something i've only read about and quite frankly am not...Read More...

Love is learnt? In my case love is dormant, still waiting to be triggered, but too many negative emotions within prevent that from happening. None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not free. _Pearl S. Buck.Read More...

I waited till the last quarter of the session to bring it up. I said, "Oh, I felt a little bad about the wire monkey comparison last week." T laughed. Then I said, "I thought maybe it was a little. . . dismissive?" T, "I think I told you at the time that it seemed like black and white thinking. There might be room for some more gray shades in there." Me (a little awkwardly) "Well, I'm sorry about. . . that." T laughed again. Then there was a long pause and eventually I changed the subject. I...Read More...

Maybe you don't have to decide...perhaps you just need to be with the people you feel nurture you best, male or female. I think when you feel you can't give or receive love you can get into relationships where the feelings might be misinterpreted. My early relationships were all based on the belief that physical intimacy meant love ( great lesson from childhood - not!) Now I am in a relationship which in any ways lacks a lot on physical intimacy, but we have an intimate dialogue and we can...Read More...

CD, I could have written what you just wrote. lol. Yes, I had a session with her on Thursday last week. I went back and forth so much with it (in my head) going, not going, going, not going, never going again...yada yada...you get it. I went. We talked about it. I told her I was afraid of getting attached b/c of what she has said. I told her that I think about her during the week between sessions when I am triggered and calms be a bit, but that I also feel myself scolding myself for getting...Read More...

((anon)) by experiencing the isolation and loneliness and talking to T about it you're gradually healing that sad and lonely place inside. Its a really frustratingly slow process though! Lots of people with huge amounts of shame are terrified of infecting and contaminating those around them and are convinced people can see through their social facade to their core which they are convinced is bad and worthless. You're not bad or worthless and who you are won't harm anyone you get close to.Read More...

Tas Makes very good sense and I think part of the T's job is identifying what those defenses are, what they're trying to achieve and why they're ultimately unhelpful. I have finally started to be able to observe this dynamic in myself. I have a horribly harsh inner critic (punitive parent) who basically wants me to disconnect, self destruct and die. So when those elements are alive without accompanying grief, I know I'm blocking something. Because at a time earlier in life it wasn't safe to...Read More...