Thank you so much ((((DRAGGERS)))). I know what needs to be done. Struggling with all of it. I wish I had someone to share this painful journey with, to talk to about it, but looking back.. .I cannot believe how much I struggled silently with in this therapeutic journey. Things I haven't shared with T because I know she just won't help me anyway. She will not give me the things I need... in ways, she just complicates the whole journey even more. I feel oddly alone.Read More...

Found this while looking through old posts and thought I'd bump it up. It has great tips!! PFRead More...

Thank you so much kmay. I drive myself crazy. It is insane!Read More...

Thank you Jones and ElizaJ for your thoughtful responses. She called me this morning and I didn't even want to hear her voice. I am stepping back for a week or several weeks despite her second phone call to keep me coming back. I have to step away from this to squash the emotions. Like what is the point. She is never there to help me when I am to the point of no return. Her responses (or lack of) just sets me off into an emotional rampage... and then she just wants to tell me that my...Read More...

Thank you TN and Draggers Session actually went well. It was a mellow one so that was nice. We talked about how my week was and where I am with my emotions. Right now, I am feeling a ton of anger T says that is good to a certain extent b/c it allows me to speak up. But also to be careful b/c people numb with it as well. We talked about healthy coping mechanisms. We talked about an incident that happened a few weeks ago to me that made T so mad, she started crying when talking about it While...Read More...

Hi Jillian, Thank you for your response. Yes I am aware of what making that statement will do to my marriage.... that is why I am going regardless. I am sure I will find a way as I will have no say or no choice in the long run, but I know myself too and if I go, and if I do not adequate support I will destroy myself and in turn resent and destroy my marriage. It is sad, but I just have to let it happen. I owe my husband at least this much.Read More...

totally get itRead More...

Hey AG! Thank you. I am so happy to be back. I've got loads of issues going on but I am committed to trucking through it and I love the support here.Read More...

I stayed home today because of nearly debilitating panic knocking me out. T had time in her schedule today. I wish I could deal with this stuff better.Read More...

(((SP))) thank you for sharing things for you also. I do believe some of it may be sexual only because I'm sharing my body (eek). I do feel safe with who I am spending my time there with and we talk extensively about likes/dislikes... I've never had such an open relationship that way. I talked with T last night and a lot of her thoughts were two fold... One was addiction. It's a chemical thing, and naturally provides a sense of comfort for me. She said she doesn't believe in cold turkey but...Read More...

Coldplay's "Fix You" When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try...Read More...

Thanks people. I'm suddenly aware of a very forlorn little girl inside - the feeling is so powerful I am teary. What could a little waif like her do to provoke the abuse and rejection... the worst feeling is those feelings of needing to be loved. Wondering how, if, when anyone could love that part of me. sbRead More...

(((CAT))) I think you nailed it: a jerk is a jerk is a jerk. The effect is the same no matter the motivation behind the behavior. I am hesitant to blame bad behavior on trauma, even if trauma is present. Some people may genuinely have trouble managing the finer points of relationships because they're hurting. But if someone is being an outright pain in the arse, it's probably because they're inclined to be a pain the arse. In other words, they're probably acting like a jerk IN SPITE OF their...Read More...

Thank you TN and MsC for your replies and support. I will return to this thread at another time. I am in a very bad emotional space today and just am shutting out the world because I no longer want an audience for my pain. Thank you so much.Read More...

Wow. If she was really good at her job she probably helped a lot of people over the years ... A kind of penance perhaps. Wonder what her clients think of it all now? Not sure how I'd feel if it later was revealed a T I'd seen had done something so big and hidden it ... Worded feel quite betrayed in a way - certainly would make you question how sincere they and been in their dealings with you...Read More...

((((GG)))) Wow what a powerful story.Read More...

Thank you AH. You have the very same resilience added to strength and courage. And one day it will be you lending your hope to others on here. I hope you are doing okay. Hugs TNRead More...

Thank you all for the thoughtful comments. Cat.. I wish I knew my T's favorite song or even favorite type of music. I do agree that sharing certain music can be very intimate because it says something about ourselves that can link to deep emotions. I guess that is why I have found it difficult to share music and also react with anxiety after I do share with T. I don't think we would ever play music in the background while in session as it's too distracting but playing a specific song for...Read More...

((((RM))))) Good point about the message I was sending her. It's so important to pay attention to how we teach people how to treat us and/or what messages we are conveying without intending to. I know lateness often drives some people crazy and that it is seen is rude. I often have a ton of anxiety leaving my house that I am trying to get a handle on so I can be more prompt. Also, since we weren't allowed to have feelings as children, it became important to me to NOT let other people know...Read More...

Thank you to everyone else who gave feedback. I wasn't going to publish this anywhere else, but since so many found it helpful, I might look into where else I could make it available.Read More...

Skylynx - read up on The QUiet Borderline. There are variants - and there are a couple of really good books on it and info on the internet. Not all borderlines "act out" - lots of them "act in".Read More...

Catalyst, it sounds like you have done a great work, and I'm so happy for you. And my advice for you at this stage would be "Don't push the river."Read More...

(((Draggers))) I never got to read your original questions, but I wanted to respond with something. The quality of the apology counts. Sometimes it's possible to receive an apology from the person who hurt you and it be totally inadequate. Case in point: my father has apologized to me on about three different occasions for abusing me. However, his apology was on par with "I'm sorry I hurt you." Missing was any acknowledgement of my pain. And these apologies came only when my father was...Read More...

Thank you AG and thank you who have responded to and acknowledged my feelings and my struggle. I too acknowledge and validate all of yours. I am glad this has opened a gateway to discussion on diagnosis and the stigma and shame attached to some diagnosis especially BPD. Regardless of diagnosis each person deserves to have their concerns and feelings heard and acknowledged and sometimes challenged, to grow. We all deserve compassion and thoughtful care and to be valued, anything less is...Read More...

Thank you all for the feedback and support! Rebuilding Me-yup, my T also told me that I don't need to do an explanation. Enmeshment-yes, to that too. I was trying to do something other than going on a family trip and I was feeling almost guilted into it, but I stood up and said that I didn't feel well. I felt guilty after that though. There was another member of the family who was almost guilted into being the driver, but he didn't want to go either, so I think that is the main reason they...Read More...