x1000 I am in a pretty good place in my therapy right now BUT I have been where you are so many times over. Fairly recently there was a rupture followed by aftershocks where I spent a huge amount of time feeling like there was no point. That the connection was gone. That it was broken, for good, if it even existed in the first place (and I wasn't sure of that either, I felt like I'd either made the whole thing up or that my mind was playing tricks on me. It was horrid). And then, I'm not...Read More...

I think big med transitions like this are a perfect time to see our Ts again for assistance. If you can't see her, could you see your P or whoever your prescriber is? I know from experience that Ven is one of the most terrible ADs to come off of. The physical difficulty alone is enough to make it so soul consuming.Read More...

I'm not a parent, but I was a child enrolled in every possible activity growing up. My parents worked full time and were not able to get us where we needed to be everyday. So, they found a community that had it all. We went to the Jewish Community Center after school (you don't have to be Jewish to take part in the programming). It was a safe location where we could do homework when not in an activity. Plus, there were tons of activities on site to join. When that became too expensive, we...Read More...

PWW, Glad you liked the line about the diaper. If I'm honest, that was just the picture I got in my mind, when I stopped and just admitted what I was feeling. Thank you for the empathy, it really does help to feel so foolish and shameful and have people meet me with understanding and compassion. And thank you for noticing I reached out. It really is difficult for me to do but I am very glad that I am developing the skill. And I did do something good. My husband and I went to see "Wizard of...Read More...

((((Elsewhere)))) Don't know what's going on but thought you could use a hug.Read More...

Another update- More than likely I did not get the job. I heard back from the program director already yesterday. She told me that they had an applicant that fit the job perfectly and had all of the qualifications, so they will ask that person to fill the position. If that person doesn't take the job, then maybe I have a shot at it. I don't see that happening though. With other things going on in my life right now and in the near future, a job switch might not work out anyway. I'm going to...Read More...

Sorry PF, you get in the habit of using all kinds of acronyms to save typing time if you're online a lot. AD stands for anti-depressant. Glad you found the stool analogy helpful!Read More...

I don't know if I compared myself to my T but I felt devalued by him so on some level I must have. I do know that I got tired of feeling devalued. I got tired of feeling less than. The truth is there are people who make friends more easily than I do and people who have nicer houses and more money. But this is who I am. Why do I keep knocking myself for what I am not? If I stay true to who I am without judging, there is a lot less pain involved. I was spending too much energy crying over who...Read More...

Love this too!Read More...

I just wanted to come back and thank everyone for their kind thoughts and empathy for my situation at work. It has taken me a few weeks to settle in after my vacation. As for work, nothing has been definitely decided yet. I approached the manager again with the guy I want to work with. There seems to be bigger changes in the air, with some new hires possibly coming on board so no definite answers at this point. As for the guy who is not getting his "money's worth" from me. Well now he is...Read More...

RT, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. They are priceless!! It sounds like with the help of your T, you are doing what you can to care of yourself. That's a good thing. Thinking of you.Read More...

Ah... Sorry. I am a control freak! How I have learned to (slowly, painfully) control things and want to know systems and processes, etc has been learning how to trust myself/others and... Being willing to be in pain. It's also as trauma is processed. I feel less fear in the world. But I'd say im maybe only 10% along in getting this under control? t says it's gonna die hard!!! Hopefully I understand more!Read More...

Thank you for sharing HC. My mornings the past three days have been alot better. I asked my doctor to change my sleeping medication and that alone has helped incredibly. I have made it a point to have something planned for the day to get me out for a bit and get me moving so I don't have time to get stuck in my thoughts. And I am trying to adopt ElizaJs great attitude for looking at the morning as being just for me. It feels like special time when I am having my coffee and surfing the net in...Read More...

Maybe consider giving T a box of condoms as a "back-to-work" gift.Read More...

Hi ElizaJ, I am not sure if I am going to phone him. My mind is trying to absorb the actual absurdity of it all. Literally it was like I was not even in the room after the client walked in and T was totally relaxed and like shifted gears, like I wasn't there. I am still like WTF HAPPENED. I don't feel particularly traumatized by it, I just don't understand what happened. I am angry that he didn't follow up with a phone call last night or today. It was just all so beyond weird. I sit here and...Read More...

that is so awesome SB :elatedRead More...

(((About))) I love those moments! I'm glad you were able to experience that the types of therapy I do are inclined to that sort of experimental stuff too and I always leave those sessions feeling gentle in the world and gentle to myself. So sweet to read this.Read More...

Thank you Liese, Asking for what I need and actually getting that need met is really a strange feeling for me and it was so incredibly hard for me to even ask for what I need but I am glad I did.Read More...

PF when reading your paragraph you could have been speaking directly for me. I have always been so close to my mom. Now I am starting to realize all of the emotional abuse and the control she uses. I have been pulling away as well and have not spoken to her since Sunday. I know that's only 3 days but it is a huge deal as we usually speak multiple times a day. She lives on the same street as me!! I can't remember anything prior to 8 years old. How long was it for you PF before the memories...Read More...

Hi ElizaJ, I am seeing current T this morning and I am planning on discussing her lack of warmth and her responses to me. I will be giving her specifics. I plan on asking her if her stance is one that she thinks she must have for my "psychological illness". I have never had such a cold T before. I have been with three female Ts in the past (over the course of 20 years off and on) and I only had very heavy transference with one. I had to terminate that relationship because my insurance...Read More...

Hi MC Do you have people in your lives who do not encourage your self-hate? For me it is often those who treat me well, it can actually trigger suicidal feelings... out of no where. It's a flashback of some sort, emotionally. You're brave to read books, I will occasionally look at articles but I've never fully read a therapy book because I find them triggering and it muddies my therapy. I've taken DBT therapy before, and still see my T who specializes though we do something else now. It was...Read More...

Lovely words... these things can be so vulnerable to share.Read More...

Hi MsC,AG, and SD, Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They mean a lot to me. When I first brought up the topic of playfulness my T paused for a moment and said that she recalled having mentioned , in general, but didn't recall saying to me that I should be more playful. My stomach churned, but she encouraged me to continue. There was a light hearted moment at the end of the session when she asked me how I felt about her reply. I looked up at her, paused, and said that she...Read More...

Thank You Passion Fruit. I feel like I have hit a brick wall Regrouping is in order.Read More...