Hugs Pixie, this must be very difficult for you. My mother is a narcissist and thinks the whole world revolves around her and if you try and have a different opinion than her then look out. The knives are out. I choose not to see my mother or my sisters (my father has passed away) and life is so much more peaceful. The drama they caused on a daily basis was too much to cope with and it was bliss to get away from it. Good luck.Read More...

I am right there with you! Most times I have no idea what I feel. I sympathize with your pain - it's frustrating and scary to not understand what you feel.Read More...

Thanks for the understanding, Monte. I end up with a lot eyeballs/faces sometimes as well. But, I don't even pay attention to what I'm doodling. It's almost completely unconscious. Last session, I put my notebook on the table, so I could stay "there" with him, which he liked. I picked it up six times in 30 minutes (unconsciously) and one time started leaning over the table and drawing again. It took me a significant amount of effort to even realize I was doing it unintentionally and stop...Read More...

I want to text T so badly right now and just tell him how scared I am about our session tonight. I'm afraid that him "slowing" me down will mean we don't connect tonight...that it will be an intellectual exercise or a sermon. And I am dreading sitting across that table from him. I hate the way it divides us and I hate the way I want to break it (it's glass) when I'm feeling upset. And, mostly, I am scared to death of the crash that is going to come when he says it's time to wrap up. And he...Read More...

Yaku: Sure, no problem! DF: (((hugs))) I'm sorry you feel so tired, but I understand.Read More...

R2G, I have that same problem around texts. I either go all or nothing on them. And it actually hurts (almost physically) when he tells me to text as much as I feel like it, touch base whenever needed. It's HARD to receive that kind of care!!!Read More...

I used to share all my thoughts and feelings with my h. I learned that it is not a good thing for me to do, as he gets absorbed into me. What I am looking for now is for my h to become his own person, and not need me to make him feel ok about himself. I want it to become a strong and loving adult relationship. Right now that means ignoring a lot of my h's pleas silent and not so sielnt, for me to be dishonest or fused into him. I think...but that's me. My h is...different from most men. Very.Read More...

Sometimes for me LG it's that there is something I want to talk about but can't or don't have the thoughts organized enough in my head and I'm hoping T will pull them out of me. But you could be onto something with her break coming up. Maybe it's not an intentional thing on her part. Or maybe, you are sad because you will miss her?Read More...

I have lots of dreams about T1. I've only had two dreams about T2. The first dream I broke into her garage and organized it for her. In the second dream, we went on a field trip to a rug factory that she apparently owned.Read More...

Interesting poll. Right now, I'm home with my daughter, but also doing childcare for another toddler, so it's like being a teacher, kind of, on a small scale. Most of my career has been in Admin work, because I like helping/supporting people and I tend to aim well below my abilities in order to have sure success (seriously, you can imagine how embarrassing the question, "Oh, you went to Stanford, what do you do for a living?" is when you answer, "Admin" or "Childcare." I know these are...Read More...

I think you made a great decision in the end. I know it's super hard to tell of SI. It will help. The more you talk about it, the more your T can help, and the easier in the long run it will be to beat it. I think it is pretty unlikely your T will think you are making it up for attention or anything like that. You shouldn't feel ashamed. You were honest and authentic, and seeking help and healing - all very wonderful things. Try to be kind to you, althought I know it is super hard to risk...Read More...

He said "Codependency No More" or something like that and I think I had a youth pastor give me a book called "Codependent No More" when I got kicked out of my mom's house my senior year of high school.Read More...

Yes, you are reading too much into that, PF. I think she was trying to get you to see that there are always options available to you. Ts seem to have this incessant need to make sure we at all times are making a conscious decision to be coming to therapy with them, that we don't feel pressured or forced, etc. She just wants you to be aware that you are making a choice to be there, that even though its difficult at times, therapy with her is where you want to be.Read More...

Hi Yak thanks for your answer, you are right it is all I talk about these days. I went through a big trauma three years ago (stalked) and she was there for me then and since and it is just lately that she doesn't want me to talk about any of it, that I should just pull myself together and get on with my life. What life? BB I can't pretend, I am not well enough. I am not callng much either. LG, yes she is punishing at times. It is her way or the highway and always has been. No I am not sure,...Read More...

Halo, I'm so sorry to hear about the regrets. It isn't your fault. I know about ect, not from personal experience, I'll admit, but from a friend- who ended up much more depressed afterwards- it really did a number on this person- but people pressured him to do it when he was really vulnerable, and in need of his attachment figure who was leaving him- so he listened to his attachment figure, his son- and did it, because he kind of had no choice anymore. It is very hard when we get really...Read More...

Vacation? What's that? Enjoy - you've earned it!!!Read More...

Congrats on the removing the emotional blockage that allowed the tears to develop! That's huge growth! This is good awareness. Maybe share that with your T, if you haven't already? Whatever it was, good, good, good work! (((((LG)))))Read More...

I mean- he needs to accept that he has wounded you deeply, and try to find an attitude of repentance for that wounding inside. Not just you- he has to do it too. But it's difficult, and exhausting and painful work. It should be the same for him, as you. Not just you carrying the whole burden. but both of you sharing it. So says my T anyway.Read More...

When I go silent, T sometimes makes suggestions or asks questions to get me to describe what is going on in my head. I get pretty embarrassed that I sometimes have to say I don't know or it seems like literally nothing...or worse, that I am incapable of putting words to the thoughts and feelings kicking around in there. I have told him how much I hate myself for silent, unproductive sessions, so he tries to gently push, which really is what I want from him. I just wish I knew how to break...Read More...

Thanks for asking, TN. I had my session last night...unless you mean the phone session, which I am still waiting to have scheduled. Last night's session, I just felt I couldn't get across to him how heavy the transference stuff is and its interference with daily functioning. I texted/emailed him about it and now he's offering a phone session, so I'm assuming there is stuff we need to talk about. Though, that might be because I told him I'm seriously considering quitting right now...I just...Read More...

Debbye, how interesting that you got a feedback sheet from your T! I think that would make me feel both self-conscious but also kind of special that my T was paying attention to things. How sneaky that he wasn't telling you that he was doing that! Huh. AG, your final story about your T saying that he could still see you was a great one. Thanks for sharing that. It does make me feel like you two really have a connection (usually my T's attempts at humor at me are failures--except one time I...Read More...

So, so, SO agreed with wanting "to cancel the next appointment so I never have to miss her again. ugh." Ugh, indeed! I am like that too, but usually it really kicks in after a couple of days. The first little bit after a session, I generally feel more connected with my humanity and with my feelings. After a couple of days, though, I'm like, "Okay, I want to see my T again, but I can't, so I just want to be over with this already!" But I'm never really over it. So, I start to really miss my T...Read More...

Hi Twin, it is just lovely to have you here. Thank you for joining us. I hope this place will make you feel a bit closer to PG. I'm so very glad to see that you have joined us. I'm sorry I didn't comment sooner, but I've been missing lots and lots of threads lately, and simply didn't see this one until today! Love, BBRead More...

Thanks. I feel like I communicated the idea, but not the symptoms. And so, maybe I felt like he didn't understand how distressing it is, because I kept saying, "This attachment and dependency stuff is distressing," and saying how it was really heavy. He asked me why and tried to get at my thoughts underneath the idea, but I left feeling like he got the concept, but not the weight or even the fact that it was 99.99% directed at him, I guess. So, I sent him an email detailing some of the...Read More...

Thanks Jones, that is really encouraging. I'm doubting your words, of course, since they are so positive, but I'm also taking them in. I do fear that I am isolating and that is certainly one of my motives- to disappear, or at least, cease to exist to my T because it's safer than how angry I feel at my T for abandoning me in pain and not loving me. It's all about the money. I just can't afford him, and he doesn't give a shit. In fact, he's piling it all onto me just when I need him the most,...Read More...