I just ran across your post...how did I miss this. I have been trying to step off more often and breathe...but part of my "programmed" tells me that I always have to be doing something, working towards something, accomplishing something. So, the minute I think that I am just going to stay in my jams and watch movies, about an hour into it I start guilting myself..telling myself that I'm wasting the day....I am really TRYING very hard to allow myself to believe that a day spent on the couch,...Read More...

I am sorry if this is going off on a tangent a bit, but I just thought I would share this with you all. I recently (just over a year ago) joined a local Quaker group and (to cut a long story short) found that one of the other members also saw my T from time to time. I can't quite remember the conversation we had about it, but I can remember my friend asking me outright and quite matter-of-fact if my T was XXXXXX (my T's name). It was like my whole world stopped there and then - a very weird...Read More...

i am overwhelmed by the responses and i am trying really hard to fight the voice in my head which says that i don't deserve it, because then your touching words would have been in vain... LL - you are so sweet and so good at helping people feel welcome and saying the right things. i really did feel heard, thank you for that. and i look forward to getting to know you better too. frog - thank you for the welcoming words and for reading my post - it means a lot! janedoe, i was overwhelmed that...Read More...

bb, you take a break, ok?? it is ok. you are fine, we miss you, and we are all a bunch of people who, at least for me, feel often like you are saying about yourself. i hate that. i HATE the people who did this to all of us. i really do. i hate that life is so hard at times, and bb, i hate that you are struggling. please take care, and i do understand what you said in your reply. hugs, jillRead More...

Thanks, Deepfried, your thoughts did help. I am sorry you are working through trauma as well. I dont think I feel safe at all in the room right now. Except maybe a small bit. My T says that she can see me a little bit more comfortable each time. But I still cant look at her. I usually look at the floor and the door alot. I feel really tense there and cant seem to relax. The way I sit when I get there is the way I sit the entire time. I dont shift or shuffle, or anything. Almost like I am...Read More...

deepfried, I think your poem expresses the duality of what one receives from parents. It is more than kind to them and reflects a lot of hard work on your part. You are released from from owning what is not yours to own and free to take ownership of what you want to grow. It is very thoughtful to also want the same for your sibling. Good for you! deeplyrootedRead More...

oh Giest, your pain is almost palpable. My heart really goes out to you. this reminds me of an example someone gave of a very hard way to change our thinking. If someone says to us, "don't think of green ballons, don't think of green ballons, don't think of green ballons..." what are we thinking of? green ballons. I can understand a little of why being in an environment that you don't feel safe to express your desires is not helping you not have them. For me, in my own therapy, I want to not...Read More...

Ah, Beebs...just had to thank you again for this delightful thread. Wishing you Cookies and Cream dreams under Mint Chocolate Chip skies. And hoping you make Moose Tracks back to us real soon. JD...did your local B&J's have Chubby Hubby? STRM...LOL!!! That was great. SGRead More...

AG - wow, thank you for your kinds words and feedback. that has me thinking... When I started this therapy, my goal was to be more aware of what I am feeling - essentially be more present with myself. These horses that have gotten under my skin, are terribly present with how they are. They don't hide anything! If they are scared, it's obvious, if they are sleep, hungry, tired... anything. It's clear. I can trust that the horse is being itself, it's true self. I don't wonder. I've been...Read More...

Hi there Deepfried, great question! I`ll try to come up with a list in order to offor some support! (and i`ll like to join the refuge to work! ) so, here we go: Things getting in way of my healing/therapy: - Therapy-boomerangs (i dont know if thats even a word? - i mean stuff that seems to never be "closed down" but constantly seems to return and actualized over and over again..!) - General stress. - anxiety before session, heartbeats and nervousness the first 5 minuts of the session - My...Read More...

I think it's wonderful that you are able to ask your T to help you do this! Good for you, BG...but I am so sorry for the pain of your situation. You don't deserve to be treated so badly. Let us know how it goes... BBRead More...

Aw Frog thanks for my hugs - that means a lot to me. You know I reckon you're right on about not going into session with an agenda - I've found that the worst sessions I have are those where I've gone in with a headful of prepared things that I *must talk about* - for some reason that seems to upset the therapy - probably because I have preconceptions about how T is supposed to respond. And anyway, your attachment isn't going to run away and hide anytime soon is it? Plenty of time for you to...Read More...

Thank you again so much, everyone. LLRead More...

What to do with all those post-session feelings. My T allows me to email him. He jokes with me sometimes to allow him to get home before I shoot him an email. I may send him one that evening or the next day. He has not commtted to responding to ever email....a boundry he put in place, but If I dont hear from him it hurts. So there is a small downside of emailing. But the upside is major. I really feel supported 24/7. I can journal my thoughts about what we discussed in session. And he...Read More...

this doesn't sound too good...can you tell him all of this? Gosh, I think you need to...are you feeling brave enough to say it, Lizzygirl? BBRead More...

I don't really know anything about processing trauma, DF...but I just wanted to offer my support. I know it must be really hard work, and I admire your resolve and courage to get through it...from what I read on here it is just slowly, slowly to deal with the memories bit by bit, like patiently untangling a bunch of tight knots, perhaps...idk. I am not brave to talk about my memories with my T, and mine aren't even *that bad* so I don't know how you do it. Be safe, be well... BeebsRead More...

STRM, Anyone can practice but they should have some pretty good marketing strategies and credibility. I went to see this counselor because he was working out of a reputable wellness center, his blurb on his orientation and experience seemed sound, and the first session was free. Then, after experiencing him, I was sold. He was extremely skilled and seemed utterly trustworthy.Read More...

Hi Janedoe, One thing I've learned from being around horses for so long is that you learn SO much about a person by watching how they interact with their horses. Seeing their sensitivity and responsiveness to a horse seems like one of the best gauges of the type of person they truly are, because you can't fake that around a horse. I think you'll continue to heal so much from equine-assisted therapy because it's almost as if you get to observe, first-hand, a therapy session where you can see...Read More...

(((Starfish)))...thank you for the care and support...xx Lamplighter! It's so good to see you! I'm going to have to go and chaeck out what's been going on for you, since I haven't seen any posts yet. Hopeing all is well with you...thanks you for the words of support. LL, I know that continuous and regular sessions would help move things along. I'm really going to try to ask for that. It's so hard when I honestly and with every fibre of my being feel that he wants me the heck out of his life...Read More...

BG, You are obviously a righteous woman, because your prayers were VERY effective. Thank you! AGRead More...

Well, I saw my T last night. He didn't say anything about me being needy, just that he thinks I acted like two people yesterday. One that had a panic attack when he cancelled, and the the one that called back to say I would be OK. I dont feel like I was two people, the one that called back was still paniced, just didnt want to admit it and feel needy. We didnt talk about it anymore. I sent him another email today (I hope he isn't mad) in kind of a frantic state about something that happended...Read More...

Preppie Girl, I can relate to the desire to quit. I also know how heartbreaking it feels to face the idea of looking for another T after so many T relationships that have not worked. Frnakly, if my choices were look for another T or give up, it would be very hard for me not to give up. I'm glad your T asked you what you needed - It sounds like your T is clear about communicating her boundaries. My equine T talks about how relationship happens at the edges of our boundaries. I don't think I...Read More...

Kashley - I’m so sorry you lost that special simple sweet interaction with your horse! It sounds like it was run over with heartache and problems. (section deleted to take out personal information, just me and my stuff) I can really relate to what you said about other's expectations. I’m constantly striving and pressuring myself, in therapy and in life, to meet everyone’s expectations, and my own - which are always beyond impossibly high. I dunno why. I wonder if I’m afraid others will leave...Read More...

Good luck with that paperwork, Smiley. I'm sure that job worries must be the most stressful of all. Sending hugs to get you through. Keep on posting. BBRead More...

Wow - great thoughts! Kashley - repeating the pattern from my past is exactly what I have started to think was part of what was going on with my ex-T. She is now responding to me in a way that feels so familliar. And somehow I end up in the weird it's all my fault position... and I think it is partly how I pick people, or the people I am drawn towards. Smiley - thanks for sharing. I was a people pleaser too. I still am. Sometimes it's easier than dealing with the opposite... I used to long...Read More...