Hi Kats and everyone I was raised being told that only babies cry, or told that if I was going to do 'that' (cry) that I should go to my room to do it where no one could see/hear it. So I learned young to bury my feelings, and now I am a true master. My P has been amazed since day one that I don't show any feeling, and just today I said to her "How am I supposed to 'own' my feelings if I can't even feel anything?". She had some kind of psycho babble for me that didn't answer my question as...Read More...

quote: I get what you're saying about it being the "obvious" problem. If you'll permit me to say it, I sometimes felt like this about self-harm. If I was bleeding on the outside, then it was obvious .... And the inside matched the outside, so it almost made me feel better. Folks couldn't look at me and _not_ see the pain, right? Wynne- I totally understand what you are saying here. When I was cutting, I felt like it was the only thing in the world that was consistent- finally, something on...Read More...

From Kats not Sea getting my screen names mixed upRead More...

i've also been wondering about my need to please. and yes Transferencegrl85, i am also feeling very ashamed about being so spineless! even more ashamed about who i think i really might be. not a decent person at all. i can see in my head that's not the case but it's how i do feel. i guess under those circumstance letting the real me out of the cage feels like inviting rejection or worse. i've also been trying to appear whilst at the same time wanting to be a rebel. how impossible is that! SBRead More...

Or T-shirts!!!!!!!!!!!1 PLRead More...

I do keep a journal...for years. Although I have had times when I've had a book burning party. I always have one around for alters that do not use the computer, and it does help especially with the very young/little ones...but I'm sick of toting it around with me...with a laptop, a bunch of pencils, crayons, markers and sketch books...it's breaking my shoulders! I use a flight case sometimes...but feel a bit like a pharmaceutical rep when I'm walking around the hospital with it. The session...Read More...

I'm up for a chat- can't do Tuesdays and Thursdays cause of school, but am realatively open other than that. BTW, I'm in Central time zoneRead More...

thats great.Read More...

we got a scott who is big, an a scottie who is lidl. and lidl scottie talked our T abut it, but first him loked her outa her office! HA samyRead More...

*GULP!* Thank you Russ, I am amazed at how all of you here in just a few short months have taken more time and shown more concern for me than my foo ever did in my entire 43 years! I am so moved by this experience I can never go back to their lies and evil plots to hold me in their internment. Thank you all so much. And Russ, you're right about the psyche being the hardest kind of therapy. Because it is our soul that our parents have hurt, that is why the hurt is so deep and takes so long to...Read More...

Sure thing Robin... I'll let you know what I come up with. I'm sure it will be weird, but we are used to weird and have even learned to embrace it! SDRead More...

JM & SongBird, Thanks for the wonderful feedback. You guys are f*&^$ng awesome! SB, good for you for making the effort to express your own anger. I'm sure it will please your T to no end to see you get pissed. My T tells me that exploding in a rage does no good. What we need is to bring focus to our anger and express it with real, clear assertiveness. When he told me this, I didn't believe him, but I'm starting to believe he's right, now. JM, you make a really good point about...Read More...

right!Read More...

I googled my T and my Dr. Just to find out more about their credentials. It felt sort of weird at first but I wanted to know who these people were that were going to be looking into my health, both mentally and physically. My T found out when I she quoted me her price and I said that her web page had a different price. Felt like a real stocker. We laughed about it and all is good. At one point I wanted to know more, and sometimes I still think I want to know more, but the connection we have...Read More...

Ok HB (she gets out a REALLY BIG pad of paper and a gigantic pen) Thanks PLRead More...

Here's the lyricks to that song: Samy Take this man to prison, the man heard herod say, And then four squads of soldiers came and carried him away. Chained up between two watchmen, peter tried to sleep, But beyond the walls an endless prayer was lifting for his keep. Then a light cut through the darkness of a lonely prison cell, And the chains that bound the man of God just opened up and fell, And running to his people before the break of day, There was only one thing on his mind, only one...Read More...

You're right - the song is inspiring. I even listened to it again earlier today. Usually I listen to Nirvana when I'm down and out... I don't know why but it calms all my wandering thoughts. I went to my T today and she asked me how I was doing and it took me a while to come up with the answer. I told her I feel like I can't think clearly, a bit depressed, not as worried about everything as I have been, but told her all the things I said in the beginning of this thread. She really didn't...Read More...

Thanks AG. I will just freely ask my questions then as they come up. THank you for the encouragement. WoodRead More...

Wynne, What is there to be scared of? Therapy is a cake walk, just look at me! Just kidding of course. I hope you have a good, calm session with new Calm-T. We'll be waiting to hear from you. JMRead More...

Hi Woodensoul, and welcome to the forums. Thank you for your condolences. We really got off pretty easy. The doctors essentially kept my MIL alive long enough for my two brother in laws to get to the hospital and come to terms with her dying. My MIL lived with my family but both my brother in laws live out of town. So my family was much more prepared as my MIL had been going donwhill for a number of months. And all we did was stop a medication, she was still on life support when she died. I...Read More...

JM, I totally get the importance of music. I have a very broad eclectic taste in music, and I think for the longest time I used music to get to the emotions that I needed to. Music was such an important part of my healing that when my first T retired, I actually made her a 2 CD set of really significant songs from my time with her with a written eplanation for each song and what it had meant to me. So yeah, you're crazy. I have a tendency to sing alot and I'm very grateful that the woman I...Read More...

Kat - I do the same thing to an extent, except I never really show the emotion fully - because I forced myself not to sometime in my junior high years. I don't get excited, and I don't get mad, I don't cry and I don't laugh. At parties or in groups I spent most of my time watching what other people were doing and I would imitate them. I knew there was a huge delay between the incident/joke/bad news and my reaction, so I just taught myself not to react. Everyone thinks I'm the shy, calm and...Read More...

Thanks! Forgivness of 'self' is tricky eyh? RobinRead More...

Hi Kats, Good to hear from you and that you're doing so well. It is an amazing feeling when you realize that it's quiet inside. Its a sure sign you're feeling more grounded which provides you with more resources to deal with your life. So even though some stuff may be finding a way in through your subconscious, be aware that you are even more prepared to deal with it. As we heal and increase our capacity, we can deal with more difficult material, which in turn clears out space and energy...Read More...