AH, Becca, Eme, and Lucy, Thank you all for the hugs and support. It is so truly appreciated. I will keep you all updated as I go through this process in the next few months. I see my issues as a terrible character flaw and feel that I am a failure. T is trying really hard and hoping that I will be able to reframe my thoughts. We have agreed that for the time being my children will just be told that I'm going to be taking a class at the university. Maybe at some point further on I'll feel...Read More...

(((AG))) I love the comparison to a jungle, that's very true. Thank you for the link, I've learned SO much reading it!!! (((about))) Aw thank you about! You have some wonderful insights too, and it sounds like really big steps! (((stoppers))) I think sometimes seeing things work for others is the first step to feeling it for ourselves (((exploring))) thank you! I'm glad to know it's meaningful for others you have a great list too (and I know what you mean about it being a brain exercise to...Read More...

hi saka, big hug for being so thoughtful and caring and for checking in. i am feeling in my gut that this is the right decision, and then when i sit down and think through it, i feel even stronger in this conviction. the generous, thoughtful people on this forum (including you!) helped me come to this realization and understanding. i made an appointment with a new T for this week and am optimistic about her. i found her online and her treatment approach includes psychodynamic and eclectic...Read More...

I've thought about this some more and really at the heart of it for me is that I struggle with feeling taken advantage of. Again, issues of powerlessness. I had a dream in the last week that I think illustrates my fear. My kids pediatrician (in my dream) was in a relationship with another pediatrician in the practice. They had four kids together but he refused to marry her, telling her that she had everything she needed. She complied and seemed to be okay with it but really deep down inside,...Read More...

((eme, Becca, AH, Liese, erica, AG)) Thanks for your replies. I was looking over a lot of past email conversations with my T today, and although I can't find much evidence that the quantity of email has changed any, I could see that the tone and content seemed to have changed. I actually sound different...more sincere and natural. In some of the earlier emails I seem to oscillate between sounding overly chipper, sounding desperate and apologizing for myself. EDIT: Also last year I went...Read More...

((ATHENACUS))I want to wish you a great session with your T before she goes on a medical leave. You mentioned that you want to figure out why your going to Therapy, and if you continue, you want to know what your looking for or want from Therapy. That is such a great thing to do. That is exactly what I am doing, and I agree that just having someone to listen, support, empathize and guide us is so valid and healing. Let us know how you session went. HugsRead More...

(((HIC))) Thank you I know you will continue to see more glimmerings of hope and growth, you're right it is so worth the effort to see the results! (((TN))) Thank you for being so kind It is a strange feeling to read back through the years and see how different things are. Hope you are doing ok too. I'm hanging on by my fingernails sometimes, but still hanging on I feel like I'm sitting in a room with a huge puzzle on the floor, and I'm trying to put all the pieces together... trying to...Read More...

Girls, Thank you for your replies. How do you think I should tell new T how I came to see him? Do I tell him? I mean he does know about former bad T but not this one. I'm afraid he'll be upset, I mean I have only been slightly dishonest a handful of times, I know I got myself in an impossible situation. Anyone been through this transition?Read More...

(((bluesky))) I think that would have hurt my feelings too At the very least for the fact that you're saying something is a concern to you and will be difficult, and hearing that she can't believe you haven't done it before. I guess I personally feel that age shouldn't have even been brought up by her. I'm sorry you got that reaction, and I think you're very brave for entering a program that you feel will be difficult. FWIW, I've done CBT work before, and am just beginning DBT as of a few...Read More...

(((eme))) you are always so kind, thank you for the support It's funny when you mentioned exT having baggage, I remember when he made the comment I thought to myself later that day "Talk about baggage, I feel like he's sitting there with a pile of suitcases around him!!" I'm hoping it gets easier from here. It really helps to have so much encouragement from you guys through all of it, helps me not feel so alone. I think it must be a common reaction of many here on the forum to have trouble...Read More...

Ok, I'm back... once I started my wheels turning a little I couldn't shut down again afterall ((((pingles)))) ((((eme)))) ((((about)))) ((((turtle)))) ((((SD)))) (((S-B)))) ((((SP))))((((puppet)))) ((((athenacus)))) ((((saka)))) ((((chezza)))) ((((becca)))) ((((draggers)))) thank you so much for all the support I'm so thankful for each of your best wishes and kind words and hugs. I'm thankful that telling about how it went was meaningful and hopefully helpful to read, it was really hard to...Read More...

((LIESE))Letting go of a struggle is a huge step forward. I'm really impressed by the way you got through it all. When I read things like this on the forum, it helps me a lot, and I want to thank you for this positive example and you should be really proud of yourself.Read More...

hi chickadee, it sounds like you're being really open and honest with yourself about your attachment to your T, how important that relationship is, and how much it's helping you even though it's difficult and painful. that takes a whole lot of courage and i truly admire you for that. and i think it's a good sign that your attachment issues come out with your T, it gives you a valuable opportunity to explore the meaning and significance of attachment for you and that will likely give you a...Read More...

Thank you so much. I just feel so illegitimate, so guilty. Thank you for your answers, they matter a lot, even if I have to delete my own parts.Read More...

((((turtles, quell, lucy, liese))) Thank you guys each for the support and best wishes, so much It really is so hard to know when do I stay, when do I go? What is something for us to work through, when is it a deal breaker? All of you guys facing the same situation, I hope you'll find as much comfort in the advice and support I've been given on this thread. It applies to you, too! You deserve the best. I'm starting a new thread about how today went... my brain is complete mush...Read More...

Pengs and Mallard: I feel so blessed to have found this site. I re-read my letter and finally decided that it is probably a good idea to send the therapist the whole letter, with a few corrections of course. Hopefully something good will come out of it, and even if it doesn't, I'm still glad I gave therapy a shot. Perhaps someday I'll find someone who'll be able to give me what I want. Till then, I just have to find a way to continue. Both your replies were very helpful and instrumental in...Read More...

Liese, reminds me of an amazing woman I worked with once at a domestic violence agency: "I used to be a victim--now I'm a victor!" Thriving is so much better than surviving! I'm with you. :-)Read More...

I so wanted to get back to this post but have been so horribly triggered through the holiday season that I just couldn't handle it. Sorry for the delay. I want say thank you to each of you. it is so nice to know that I am not alone in this. ((TN)) - You are so brave in acknowledging that you even feel anger. I tend to block it all. T and I chuckle about it at times but it is a big gaping hole in my soul that I cannot admit to or acknowledge feelings of anger. The self loathing and disgust...Read More...

Thanks starfish. I will tell T at the next session that I was numb (and still am) about what I said. That I have no feelings I can access has left me worrying I'm a liar - must have made it up if I dont feel anything. Hi SP - The don't drive thing is impossible. The place I get help is a 75 minute drive from home!!! There is only so long I can hang about the town before I have to drive back. And, actually, when I left really triggered I couldn't stay outside - and ran back to my car... this...Read More...

((((COGS)))) You are not unhappy because of the way you see things. You are unhappy because you have had bad things happen to you with very little emotional support. The work isn't to change your perspective. The work is to either change the things you don't like about yourself and can change and to hopefully comes to terms with the rest. You never had the support in the past but you do now. You only had blame.Read More...

(((athenacus))) I'm so happy to hear it made a difference for you and was helpful to read!Read More...

(((liese))) To answer the title question, If I thought my T lied I'd hit the roof in an epic way lol Really though trust is maybe the hardest part in all this stuff, and anything that feels off is so hard to deal with. The dynamic of situation where you have to fill in the gaps because you can't see thw whole picture is maddening too. I hate having part of the story in regards to anything, my mind goes in overdrive trying to put the rest together. I think when you said you could talk to him...Read More...

(((yaku))) I'm sorry this was so triggering and difficult I don't have any kids, but I'm positive if I did there would be a million times a day that interactions would take me straight back to my childhood and kick up all sorts of triggers. I really have so much respect and awe for all the hard work you put into raising your little one, and it sounds from what I've read of your posts that you're doing such a great job!! It does hurt to feel a trigger coming and still experience the effects...Read More...

(((SP))) thank you for listening and support!! (((liese))) I really take a lot of comfort in knowing that you get where I'm coming from with this. I agree that strengthening your own voice after being raised in that type of environment is crucial in healing. And this: That is awesome and I love it It really makes so much sense. Thank you for being proud of me (((SD))) Your post made me feel all kinds of giddy and thankful and warm and fuzzy Thank you truly for that I think there is something...Read More...

(((ninna))) I'm sorry for how hurt you have been feeling I'm sending gentle hugs and wanted you to know I'm listening and glad you are safe. Keep hanging in thereRead More...