awe hugs hun... but you did some good sharing.. how is he? will he be back soon? Touching that he cried with you... but how do you feel about that? Take gentle care.Read More...

To everyone, Thank you so much. Your replies helped tremendously. Seriously helped. I'm short on words right now (as usual) but just wanted you to know that I have read them.Read More...

You can, and you are!Read More...

Hi Cat, I certainly relate to hating having a body. As far as I can remember, it has mostly caused me feelings of distress, shame, weakness, repulsiveness, failure, etc. Rare occasions where it has caused me pleasure, never weigh up to all the negative experiences it gives me. I hate it because it makes me feel so weak. I am so frustrated because I feel I’ve been struggling forever to stay on my feet, to ‘function’ in life but it just keeps – literally – weighing me down. I get very sad when...Read More...

((Hollow)) I liked reading it, even if you wrote it for you (most of what I write is for me too - I find giving advice to be very healing as... it's often stuff I believe but don't tell myself or believe I'm so curious exception). Even a smile, or a thank you, or hell... picking up your DOG CRAP unlike this one careless dog owner here who theft their pet's business on my rocks can make a difference in someone's day, which leads to a year, to a decade, to a life, etc. It's all that "we're all...Read More...

Former T replied with a quick thank you. I knew she would keep it brief if she did reply. I didn't specifically ask for a response, so she didn't need to send anything. I'm glad she did though. I did want to feel the connection and to transfer some info. Also, one of my assignments for supervision was to think back to my own therapy to write in a journal about how I want to do therapy, so I've been thinking about our sessions a lot lately. Thank you for posting SD, Cat, and Shaman!Read More...

Catalyst, Thanks for the welcome and the response. It's so refreshing to read about the tools your using and helps me feel "not so alone" so to speak. I'm encouraged by the fact that not every trauma needs "reason or story" and take comfort in that fact. I'm going to investigate the Somatic Experiencing therapy and Iyengar yoga. I love yoga and usually do Bikram but since your post I'm googling studios in my area to see who teaches that Iyengar. Your post has helped a great deal and I'm so...Read More...

Thank you for your reply Kid Last session with T I kept my eyes closed almost all the time, and it was really hard to look at T.I think that was little one, she didn´t want to see us. Two years ago I could very much feel little one.I played her lullabies at night before we went to sleep and she allowed me to rock her and she allowed me to stroke her cheek and she felt T was her mum. Your advice is very good Kid. I am going to ask her permission if I can lay with her and play her some nice...Read More...

I'm glad you let her be a kid, Muff. I'm sure she appreciated your care.Read More...

Hi Turtle, Smiling Penguin, Mallard & Athenacus, Thanks for the feedback! I'm in a bit of a - down - state right now but grasping at all the available resources to hang in. One of which is this place and the wonderful people in it. SP: I'm all too familiar with the kind of person you'd better run from. I have been in therapy on and – more often – off over the last 16 years and the one of the reasons I went off the T’s in question was exactly this attitude. It makes me quite determined...Read More...

Re: It's All Falling ApartRead More...

i intend to hang about, muff. there's too much for me to learn here. i do think you tend to give me way too much credit.Read More...

((turtle)) Ugh I totally get how hard it is to find... that 'compassion' (hate when my Ts SAY THIS) for yourself. I'm really sorry your T had to cancel... that sucks. It's okay to let things fall a little bit apart sometimes, I do that.. and then when I'm ready for a fresh start I really organize things and it all feels that much better, and new. Glad you got out with a friend, and sorry you do not have a tub! Perhaps a hot tub is somewhere you could go? Some resorts will let you come in,...Read More...

Sorry this is hard to process, TK. It has sounded very difficult, and of course you would be feeling all of this stuff. Usually when numb wears off, in my own experience w/ somatic work and what my T has explained, anxiety and/or anger will often come up as we dethaw. I'm sorry your T wasn't more effective during the appointment, at least she can see that though. I've had my Ts pursue one method in session and later realize it wasn't exactly the right place to go and it can get better.Read More...

Hey Hollow, I am glad you are getting support here. I notice that you are always really lovely, kind and courteous in your responses to everyone in your own threads and on the board in general. I just wanted to say that if you did ever feel like something I said didn't quite fit, or for whatever reason you felt criticised or something didn't quite make sense, I would be 100% okay with you questioning it and saying how you felt. I get that it might feel very threatening to do that and it may...Read More...

(((Cogs))) Brava! You keep very courageously going back to work through this despite all the difficult feelings. I am glad that you had a good session. It's a frustrating process, healing, but you're very determined. AGRead More...

(((Monte))) I'm sorry, I get that deep-down, encoded into your cells belief that it is only when you are alone that it is safe to have feelings. I have no doubt you will find a way through, but hope it's shorter rather than (any!) longer. ((DBS)) That describes it perfectly!! The hardest part is that I am leaving BN's office and just dissociating the session, so its a struggle to process in between sessions, which for me is often a very important part of the work. This is NOT going to be a...Read More...

This is the first chance I've had to get back here since I started this thread. Wednesdays are SO busy for me this semester. But I have read and am touched by all of your responses, and especially the fact that anyone could be moved by my post. I can feel your compassion and it brings tears to my eyes. Some of you -- Jones, AG, Draggers -- have witnessed my T struggles nearly since the beginning, and you have always supported me even when I made what must have appeared to be foolish...Read More...

((TK)) I'm glad you were able to talk to your T about the phone call. I think it is so fortunate you are seeing a T who is an adoptive parent, that sounds like it's very helpful. It sounds like you are doing great work!Read More...

((A)) i wish you could share with your T how you are struggling to. It's very vulnerable sometimes, well... to admit they matter so much. ((Hollow)) A magical sense of total certainty makes sense... control. That is what I am looking for so often. I think people with a greater resource that has filled that hole do feel a sense of 'good' in the world... that is what many people lose in a poor attachment history. A sense that there is 'okay'. There is okay... but sometimes I don't have time to...Read More...

Thank you all for your kind replies. I don't have time to address everyone personally right now. I will keep believing in that butterfly, SD. I have to say that I was really freaked out when I got to the park and saw ALL those kids and the noise and chaos. I had some panicked thoughts that I would just leave my rock under the tree and then go with T back to his office to do all the reading parts. But thankfully the field cleared for just long enough for me to do what I planned. I really...Read More...

I'm still wanting a hug from former T. One of my first assignments for the semester is to write in a journal. When I asked my prof. to give me a little more detail or guidance on what to write, she told me I should think about my former therapy sessions and how I'd like to be as a T. Of course, now I'm thinking about past sessions and missing former T. I might run into her next week when I take one of my kiddos into the same clinic. I hope I do run into her. I just want to look into her...Read More...

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i definitely agree with all of you, and frequently feel like an outsider or outcast because life doesn't come as easily for me as it presumably does for most others around me. and it is a very alienating thing, i think ... at least it is for me. i'm going through some really difficult (to me ... maybe a more nurtured person wouldn't struggle nearly so much) with my FOO. i'm really feeling like an ugly duckling, fully exposed and made to feel as though i've done something wrong when i know in...Read More...