same here, muff. spent last Friday evening with my mother and sister. sister was very animated and "sucking up" to mother, it seemed to me. things a normal, healthy daughter would do: lending an arm, getting lemonade, bringing findings from the garden mother couldn't walk down to in order to enjoy them on her own. sister is inches taller than me and longer legs and seemed to me she would scoot ahead of me to "beat me to the punch" and she would! i didn't have a chance. never did. always was...Read More...

Monte, you made me smile! thanks RM. It felt good. I had a very good session today but no time right now to write about it. I hope to have time later tonight. TNRead More...

Lets just say I know who they are Draggers.Read More...

i'm sorry others relate, although it makes me feel less alone and weird so thank you for sharing. thank you muff, for understanding. maybe i have to accept my 'life style' for now and my limitations and let myself fall apart at the weekends if i need to, without putting extra pressure of myself or feeling bad for it. daisy, i'm sorry you struggle with this too and i hate those 'how was your weekend' questions too! its sad that we spent so much of our energy trying to 'appear' fine to others...Read More...

Oh, I see RT. Sorry about that. I see where that would seem like a betrayal. My former T mentioned a different type of relationship that I could have with her. Then, in my last session she back peddled a lot when I asked her about it. I felt like I was letting go of the therapeutic relationship in favor of a different one that might not ever occur anyway. I also felt that she was trying to get rid of me. I still get confused when I think of our relationship, but I miss her soooo much at the...Read More...

Thank you for the hugs Liese I´m so glad to have people here that understand that this is a big thing for me, and not easy. I can feel that the people around me do not understand. You are right that it is good that I understand ahead of time that this might become difficult, maybe I will be better prepared. I can feel little me inside me jumping up and down because she is so happy that she is meeting oldT again, she is saying HUURRAY!!! with her hands up in the air. Good that the grown up me...Read More...

Good Letter. Talking about the mother's involvement whether she realized it or not is tough for me.Read More...

As CD would say,'DAMN RIGHT!'Read More...

Hi Jones, Sincere condolences on the loss of your good friend. I have learned recently that grief takes many forms and even changes while you go through it and some of it makes no sense at all. I think being mindful about the grief you experience and looking at it to see where it fits best will help in the end. I think it's something to understand but it can't be controlled and has it's own timetable. Having someone to listen is invaluable. Thinking of you TNRead More...

Hi anna... I agree that the partner may be going somewhere and your T is not. After all he has a practice to look after. I would bring up the topic of how you are afraid of losing him or being abandoned in the middle of doing this work and ask for reassurance from him. Maybe ask for a standing appointment or some future appointments. Hopefully, he will reassure you that he is not going anywhere. TNRead More...

Thanks TN, we cross-posted and T did write back. I also got out of the house to exercise and got groceries. I think it will feel much better when I see him Monday and know for sure things are the same. I do know I can affect him, because he cares. My T has only demands I look at him once, during a huge rupture. At the time, it was terrifying, but I'm grateful for it now. He's been slowly pushing me harder to really engage with the safety that is there. It's...so hard...important, but hard.Read More...

Jeez Jones, you really have got a lot of rejection going on in your life ATM~ The perceived rejection of a friend to death. Rejection of hubby, and your Ma to illness. Your cup runneth over? Much anger is being 'swallowed.' Apart from sharing it with us, and nutting it out with your T, there is not much more than can be done. Must away with my own probs. I wish you a speedy return to 'normality.'Read More...

(((MONTE))) I have struggled with this myself and know how frustrating this can be and how illusive a solution seems. Why not change the focus and talk to T about what he does to "cause" your hurt? You know how it is when we focus on something that is just out of reach and how that can actually frustrate the process. It might be just the way he is but it will help you understand better why you react the way you do and the things people IRL (or in the past) do that hurt you and why. For...Read More...

Shakes head, N green.Read More...

Well, it's the evening after now and I've been feeling emotional today, but not really in a bad way. Just that I am feeling the significance of this place in my life, I guess. Thinking about how much it has meant to me to do the work T and I did together, how getting to do that and know her has been one of the most precious things, if not the very most precious thing I've experienced in my whole life. I wish there were someone around who could understand what I'm feeling. I feel more...Read More...

That's about it. Slowly, slowly.Read More...

(((Draggers))) Thanks, that's a good point. No one else has said anything to me. Then again, these people talk $#!+ behind peoples' backs all the time and I have to try really hard not to get drawn into it. I don't think it's shame so much as fear that causes me to want them to never know. (((Ang))) Thanks for the reassurances. My mom knows I'm in therapy, she thought it was just for marriage stuff, because the event that initially caused me to have to go was related to H. So, she asked...Read More...

Latte PLS? Hold the bicky.Read More...

It is a play ground for all us hurt kids.Read More...

It looks like separation anxiety Kid. Lil one would feel it from the past, and you would feel it when T is unavailable to you. It feels like a loss of connection to anyone, The Alone. Those feelings do tend to come and go. A cute poosle Kat in the pic.Read More...

I went through something similar with regard to my own T. A few months in, I got caught up in a really powerful transference, which I found profoundly scary. Without really thinking about what the consequences would be for me, I did some research on the internet. I stumbled across information about her family. Nothing very concrete or private but enough for me to really feel bad that I'd tried to look her up. Cue a lot of angsty introspection on my part! I think like you Cat, I was more...Read More...

Hey TN Not sure about you, but at the moment I am very edgy and very trigger prone and pretty sure it is because of the termination anniversary. Things are coming up everywhere from every direction. I had no idea i was so delicate about it. I also have a lot of traumatic things happening in my life right now - as you do with C's passing and the grief - all of the things are having a negative impact and making things worse. I imagine you are in the same boat. THinking of you. SomedaysRead More...

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate everyone reading my posts. He said he would delete it in session- he says he wants me to hear me- but I hesitate b/c I hate the sound of my voice. I was thinking of finding a list of emotion words- it`s obvious he won`t teach me any new ones, so if that`s what he wants, I`ll have to do it myself. Sheesh!Read More...