(((CAT))) I understand.Read More...

Cat, I would very much like to read the letter your T sent to you. It's incredible that he actually wrote that he enjoyed your helplessness as his little girl. That is very scary indeed. It tells me that he did not want you to heal and grow. My T never said things like that. On the contrary. He was so keen, I think even desperate, for me to become independent or autonomous as they call it, that he became much too distant for the last 10 years, being complete passive. I just felt hopelessly...Read More...

(((Debbye))) I'm sorry his youtube clip didn't help you but I have to say reading it I understood what your T meant. Then I read TN's reply to you and I thought - No way! I completely understand what her T was trying to tell her and to me that story/photography is marvelous, and yet TN saw the grossness in it. I look for those kinds of trees and funnily enough I do photography and have what I would consider the most stunning photos of "damaged" things but here is the thing their uniqueness...Read More...

Thank you everyone for the replies, and sorry for the delay in response. Hmm, well the first thing is that it took a while. Maybe about 9 months? And it was a gradual thing, it didn't happen all at once. In the beginning she was very sensitive to it and wouldn't look at me too much, and would sit a little far away to give me space. If I was feeling very anxious, she would tell me to look out the window because the view was calming to me, or I would sit under her weighted blanket or hold one...Read More...

((Pops) Tas the other thing my T tells me especially after a rupture is that we have made a commitment to each other. T says it so that I stick with her and to reassure me that no matter how tough it can be between her and I that she is committed to me and our therapy for as long as it takes - I pretty much believe that my T will never terminate me (WOW, anyone who knows me knows it has taken years for me to realise that....) I think making a commitment to each other is a good dialogue to...Read More...

Wow, just proof read that and by self shooting I definitely meant SOOTHING!!! T did not encourage me to shoot myself! Although I might end up doing that if this darn autocorrect (I'm using my iPad) keeps getting me into trouble!Read More...

T never told me that in so many words, but she did say things like "wow, that is a lot of things to be thinking about" and suggested I needed to slow down the thinking. I think it's really the anxiety that fuels being in your head. When you're anxious, your body feels uncomfy to be in, so you go into your head and try to resolve the situation by thinking, but it really just makes the anxiety worse. If you can slow down the thinking and start to feel whatever is going on in your body, it will...Read More...

Thank you very much for your concern. That is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm never sure if I'm in the fog or not. Even when I try to be aware if I am. In the therapy I think I was in it most of the time. When I was not there was almost always only terror. One of those moments my T said: "Welcome to reality." At the hospital 22 years ago a psychiatrist asked me what I wanted, and I answered that I would like to learn to be at the helm. In the final goodbye hour with my T, after 20 years...Read More...

You are a very clever and insightful person. I have sensed what you're saying, afterwards when I look back, that he couldn't handle being unable to "cure" me. And also that he was angry with me and has punished me with a bad ending. I am convinced that he sincerely did want to help me and that he very strongly indeed wanted this to succeed. I know from the first 8 years. It was after he had made that "trick" or technique provoking me to ask for more time and I didn't because I was in my...Read More...

(((TN))) I'm not sure but I think my T has been alone for a long time. He only took off his wedding ring about 3 years ago though. So for the first part of my therapy, I thought he was married and I obviously coped with it. BUT, I was not as close with him then as I am now and I think I might be less tempted to reach out to him if on a Friday, for example, if I thought he was home with his wife. Some might say that was a good thing. LOL! I really don't reach out to him more than once or...Read More...

Hey Julie, I think it's awesome that you want to learn as much as you can about your anxiety. I have never taken an online class but others here have. Good luck.Read More...

Briefly cat it sounds like things are really complicated at the moment and its hard to sort out what's mom transference and what's a real concern with T2. I completely understand the frustration at healing being a slow and non-linear process. I think for someone who tends to have strong protective boundaries and a need for control, therapy ruptures are hard to work through and take time to work through. I'm really sorry your T went off at you over the phone, that wasn't fair or helpful to...Read More...

Hi Starlight... how wonderful that you now have this great transitional object from T. I had to smile when I read this because after about 2 months of seeing my T he handed me his pen (that he was using) and told me to keep it. I still carry that pen in my purse everywhere I go and if I have a particularly difficult meeting to attend at work I use the pen to take notes or just hold in my hand. A few weeks later he told me about one client he gave a pen to who threw it away the minute she...Read More...

Liese, I appreciate your support and compliment. I think it would show a lot of strength for current T to be able to handle feelings about oT. Seeing oT doesn't stir up emotions. It's strange to me. I see her but feel nothing. My emotions only stir when I try expressing my feelings about what happened or how I felt when she terminated me to someone else. TN, You hit the nail on the head with who was at fault in your situation. You were working hard to get through your stuff and your T...Read More...

OK, here goes again. First, I think this is the best place you could possibly talk about this, because there are tons of people who will understand both your need to exercise your power to run away from the pain that therapy evokes and your desperate desire for T to know and love you the way a parent would. As TN said, you and your T talking about disorganized attachment would probably be a huge help. As an intuitive person who was trained by (OK, I admit it!) abusive parents to read and...Read More...

TAS... what you wrote really resonated with me (btw it was very well written and explained) because I had this same conversation with my T yesterday. I'm sorry for what you suffered through and I totally understand the anger and grief all mixed into it. I guess that is what we have to work through and process... the anger and grief. My T keeps telling me that I don't have to do this alone and that if I allow him in it will be much easier for me and I will heal. I pretty much told him he's...Read More...

Hey, Thanks so much to everyone who responded and "voted" on what course you would take. It's helpful to read different opinions and perspectives. I am still not sure what I want to do yet, but am leaning to doing phone sessions at least for the next few weeks. I have been asking myself this since yesterday. It's strange because while my parents had some problems and our family dynamics were not the healthiest, in a physical, practical, day to day sense they were there. So this piece of my...Read More...

....what Poppet said. About running again Hang in there TAS. He's not going anywhere...you remind me of me sometimes. I "tested" my old T non stop.Read More...

My T does hug. And honestly, I think if I asked, or gestured...she would hug me a lot more often...but, I struggle with other feelings about being worthy of it, forcing her to do it, and things that are reflective of my baggage. I think sometimes when our T's set boundaries, or don't interfere with bizarre ones we set for ourselves about recognizing where they don't have one - They are simply allowing us the space and strength to deal with things on our own. And maybe they know, as I fear...Read More...

I am glad I mustered up the nerve to start this topic and am especially glad to receive such thoughtful feedback. I am learning a lot from all of you. I love to hear how so many of us are putting an end to neglect and the dysfunctional cycles and showing affection to our kids and watching them grow up and be able to show healthy affection to one another and to their own kids. I have read about how an adult will overcompensate for what they lacked growing up and I can definitely see the fruit...Read More...

Hi TAS, I think mutual trust is important. It took me ages and ages to trust T, not cos she ever did anything but remain even and constant, but because I find trust difficult. But she trusted me and that was really empowering in our relationship, especially when I was being so damned awkward at the beginning. So if I had done something wrong as you said you did, for me, knowing that she trusted me still would strengthen our relationship and help it to grow. She has said that there is nothing...Read More...

I remember that, yeah. That's how I feel...just more people telling me I'm too much or thinking I'm lying or exaggerating or manipulating. (((Liese))) Thanks, you helped me feel less alone.Read More...

Thank you EVERYONE for your replies...things are still plugging along...I still think he doesn't like me and now when he calls about appt. changes...I think he is angry with me because he is so short and to the point. I just feel that he doesn't want me and is trying to have as little contact as possible because he doesn't want to deal with me. I haven't said this to him because I don't want to come across as accusatory. I don't know. I do know THERAPY SUCKS! Just when you think you are over...Read More...

Hey Guys - Sorry I haven't updated. Been out of sorts a bit. I have decided to not go back for now. I am taking a therapy break. It's going ok so far. I started a diet/healthy eating plan today. I don't have a ton of weight to lose but I know it will help me feel better overall. I have two more weeks of my meds wean and I am proud that I am doing it on my own. I emailed with old T last week and got some closure that I needed and I think that has helped me to feel more stable. I'm still...Read More...

Thanks you guys. You make it seem more do-able. I was in it briefly before but didn't have a therapist that supported it. This time I will have a therapist who supports it. I just don't want to spend most of my therapy time talking about skills if you know what I mean. And yes I am just like you catalyst in that I would make an ice cream machine too!Read More...