My eyelid is so swollen, I look like Rocky. I don't want to go out of my house tomorrow, don't want people looking at me and wondering if I got hit or something, definitrly don't want T to see me looking like this. I hate being seen enough as it is without giving people a reason to stare.Read More...

I looked slightly in my T's general direction the other day and he made a huge deal about the "eye contact" I had given him, which for him meant I wasn't looking anywhere but at him. I don't remember even looking at him...I spaced out, lol. By the time I do manage to look (glance?) at my T, he always seems happy to see me and positive. He wishes I would take that in more, but I guess I find it threatening? There are some things I've brought up to T that he has worked to change as a result of...Read More...

Thanks you guys. Yeah your advice is solid about getting out and doing things. It is very good advice yet so hard for me. I tend to isolate and withdraw. That's why structured things (during the week) suit me better. I appreciate all of your care and concern. I am glad it's Monday!!Read More...

Hi GreenEyes, I know you are right.. speaking up just seems like doing the impossible. After all these years I am sooooo close to what I always wanted: I know she cares about me, I am not afraid to tell her things, she treats me as a normal human being and not just a patient... I know I'll lose that if I 'make' myself into the patient again. The only reason we communicate as healthy normal adults is because she thinks that I am one.Read More...

Yip, for me it is a side effect of depression and PTSD for sure. It drives me crazy and I also snap and scream and just basically need to get out and be alone. The more I am dealing with those sorts of emotions the worse it is. and yes, Cat and Poppet I get that highly sensitive thing too with the PTSD to the point where I physically feel vibrations of just about everything....and yes to the smells too, they can either calm me or send me over the edge. B2WRead More...

Sorry it took a while for me to come back and reply to your support. I was still processing a lot about her visit. I talked about the things I posted here with T, some of the realizations I'm starting to make about how void my early attachment scenario was and how central splitting around attachment is to the way I'm "structured" internally. (((Liese))) I hope you are able to set those boundaries too. I do it, but I feel awful. Last night, she texted a mass text to all us kids that she loved...Read More...

oops, sorry...was that a hijack?Read More...

I feel for you very much, and you should never blame yourself for what happened. My mother was killed when I was one, and the aunt I accepted as second mommy abandoned me when I was 2. It made me a mess, and I got into therapy at age 30. All those feelings about love and fear of losing went onto my T. Therapists need to respect this and not be too rough. If I could help any, I would say try to get the courage to read some books or on-line about the Transference Relationship between patient...Read More...

TN So glad you have such a wonderful T to help you through this, you deserve it thinking of you xxxxxRead More...

Hello TAS, I think about this question a lot. As I understand them, suppression and repression are both coping mechanisms used to avoid expressing or experiencing certain thoughts or feelings. Suppression is a conscious choice we make to, for example, set aside something we are aware of because we are in the middle of dealing with something more pressing. We choose when to return to the "issue." This can become a habitual action to a problem we wish to avoid dealing with. Repression, on the...Read More...

(((GreenEyes))) Hope you're doing ok.Read More...

Hey Red Tomato thanks for sharing that with me. Yeah the new T is very much so encouraging me to get involved in other therapeutic programs etc. She says "You need more than seeing me" So now I am in this Day treatment program and I was very against it at first. I still don't particularly like it but it is helping some. Just hearing others talk of their struggles helps me some. Hi SomeDays , I too can be pretty blunt so no worries! I struggle with whether she is the right one or not. She is...Read More...

Thank you, to each of you, for your replies. I have been out of town, so I apologize for the late reply. It means so much that you would take time to reply and encourage me during this situation. All the best, T.Read More...

(((HELD)))Read More...

(((TAS))) Been thinking about what you wrote here off and on all afternoon. I don't really feel qualified to comment, but am throwing out some thoughts anyway for what they are worth (not much). I really liked what kmay wrote. It reminded me of a quote I like from Blaise Pascal: "It is the heart which perceives God, not the reason." It's also funny (as in coincidental not as in haha) that I was reading a book this morning on the experience of God by Meletios Webber. In the chapter I'm on, he...Read More...

(((sparklewhizz))) Sorry I didn't reply before your session. I'm glad your T was so accepting of your return (any good T would be) and that she let you find out on your own terms what you needed and ask for it (I always think that is hugely brave!).Read More...

Thank you for your replies. This is so hard. I keep getting hit with the realisation that there are so many needs I have that will never be met - or at least not in a full way. Deep down I really thought my t would take me in as a part of her family and meet some of those needs. Which sounds so stupid when I write it down. Every time it hits me I think 'I can't believe it' but I suppose I am believing it a little bt otherwise I wouldn't be so upset. I know it's probably progress to be...Read More...

Thanks Poppet and Cat. I am trying the best I can.Read More...

Tas, sometimes I think it is a lost cause! not many people feel like us.Read More...

((((((((((Kmay))))))))))))Read More...

Closed Doors you are absolutely right...I do that all the time... SomeDays I am so sorry. Thank you for your insight...I really appreciate it! T.Read More...

Liese & Green Eyes, Thank you both for responding. I'll be back tomorrow once I've thought about what you've both said as I can't do it at the moment. HopefulRead More...

That's really great HIC! I've been following along your journey so it's nice to hear you had a good, reconnecting session. And you may have given me a push (both in your advice to my post and your words to your own T) to ask my T for more reassurance. You're right, maybe they hold back a little to not come off as condescending. But I think I really need it too! So thanks! Keep us posted!Read More...

I'm not 100% positive, but I really didn't think Ts could charge the client for consultation. That's part of their job, to make sure they are doing no harm to their clients and they are taking necessary steps to provide the best care. It's their ethical obligation, really. My T recently told me she has started going to a consultant every month that has expertise in trauma. She also just got trained in IFS, so I think she is working to be more knowledgeable in the treatment of trauma. Maybe...Read More...

Thanks Liese And yes I would prefer to hear difficult news first hand than through the grapevine. I think the other reasons this has been so hard is that there is a little girl inside who wants the fairy tale happy ever after family. And unfortunately it's also triggered inner shame ( which is exactly how narcs operate) even though I've done nothing wrong.Read More...