GG, So sorry for what your going through. That totally sucks. I am glad you blasted her. I think she deserved it....with all due respect. And, I would be feeling very much like what you described too. She could have demonstrated more empathy and warmth. You're clearly in a vunerable state right now and to leave you like she did was not right. I hope you take care of you. Don't take your anger out on yourself. Try not too.Read More...

I really like what you said about imagining your therapist with you when traumatic things happened in your past. I think it would help a lot to imagine T defending you and putting things straight in your behalf.Read More...

Quote: "At one point he told me that I have to stop thinking about us and stop analyzing it and just feel it." True North, that comment you made is so good, and so true of me, that I must remember it every day!Read More...

Yay, ElizaJ!!Read More...

Incog, it is so very difficult. Keep pushing through. This is the very hardest part of therapy. It took forever for me to "break" the ice with my T. You are heading in the right direction. Patience sucks and it takes time. Give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling right now. It's okay to feel what you are going through now. Working through certain things can take a back and forth feel. He may not be avoiding you, but trying to give time and thought on how to proceed with you.Read More...

Thanks Yaku I get the same feelings of shame and undeserving. T and I talked on this for probably 20 minutes. We talked about relating the 'flashback' I was experiencing to stuff with my Mom and messages there. T again said she was just being unconscious and I know she ends that way with other people. I asked what I can do next time so it's okay or what we can do. She stated for the 100th time I did nothing wrong and then said if she ever forgets again tell her I need my hug. I can do it in...Read More...

Catalyst - thank you for your words. I hope I can find the courage some day to ask my T about it, too. I think that hardest part for me is he told me he would say no if I asked, so I feel like I'm being desperate if I ask him why. I really want to know why, but the thought of his rejection is scary. I've recently been wanting to ask for a hug and it's painful. Veryhopeful - thanks for sharing your story. It's always nice to read how people can work hard sessions out with their T, especially...Read More...

Skylynx - logically I know you're absolutely right... emotionally, that comes and goes. Today I can see it like you do - much harder to when frought! I also feel fear knowing my T ISN'T torn up and highly emotional about anything I say to her - ive talked a little about this with her - trying to articulate it properly. If she has a reaction I feel responsible, ashamed, and manipulative. If she doesn't have a reaction I feel she doesnt care at all. VEFY black or white. I realize its fear both...Read More...

That is so cool of your T to give you an itinerary! If my T did that, I would love to visualize what he might be doing each day and I would feel connected. That was so sweet of him! I would probably check out earth cams of his locations and those places would take on a new significance and meaning to me cause that's where he was! Loving someone has a wonderful way of literally opening up the world!Read More...

I really think you should talk me to yr T some more. You seem to jumping to a lot of conclusions that might not be as you think. Ie you're assuming she will be cross and angry with you because you txt her. You don't know that. Are you a mind reader? Do you REALLY truly think she is so cross with you she's been stewing about it ever since and planning 'right, wait til I see SB next, boy will I let her know about it!!!!' Yeah? NAH. Not likely. I think it's common for Ts to NOT specificlLy...Read More...

Thanks guys SB: right back at ya babe (the hanging in there it gets better bit lol!!!) I feel better having vented by posting. It helped me get rid of the obsessive bit. Other than that I'm trying desperately to NOT think about what happened Friday. Allowing my T to 'care' is really really painful. It also scares me - what if I want more? Definitely think you're right SB - it is that I can't bear to think she does have a life 'away' from the hour I spend in her office. I'm ashamed ed to feel...Read More...

Maybe I've read Freud way too much for my own good. I know I shouldn't give my therapist a gift no matter how small. Besides, when she reminds me of the rule and refuses my gift, I will just keel over and squish off to another planet, I will be so embarrassed!Read More...

starfish - it's priceless when the kids tell us they love us. I have teengagers who have a hard time saying it, but it does come out every so often! RT - thank you for the words of encouragement! You're right - it's never too late. I'm so glad some golden nuggets have come from this painful process of therapy. PFRead More...

((((veryhopeful))))Read More...

HIC, Sounds like a compelling point of connection--and I think your T did a good job balancing your needs with the degree to which she shared. As long as she was accurately monitoring your comfort level, that is. My T has shared having had struggles, and I believe her--while at the same time perceiving her current life as perfect!Read More...

(((((YAKU))))) I didn't get to read your original post. Just wanted to send hugs. I know how awful it feels when triggered so much that posts have to come down. Hope you feel better soon.Read More...

Last evening T called to say she has an ear infection and cannot fly (she is in Florida visiting her son). She said today's and Thursday appointments are cancelled. We have a third appointment scheduled for Saturday (because T thought we needed to be doing 3x/wk right now), but I may not be available due to waiting for movers. I won't know until Friday. So, last night I dreamed. I dreamed that I was waiting for my session with T. OldT (yes, THAT oldT) comes up to me and takes me to her...Read More...

SB: May I ask how you make it through all week without contact? This is one of the things I continually struggle with and has been a sticking point, even when I ask he says no. Currently in a rift over therapy right now but could use some ideas on how to get through when wanting to contact is so strong. T.Read More...

Catalyst, I agree that our way of expressing our love for the therapist depends on how we think about love, or what love is. I just want to add to Affinity that I learned a lot about transference by reading Bolby on the web and reading his articles about transference. I select the free ones, of course. Kohut is really good, too and some of his are free to read or print out. Balint is good, too.Read More...

Hi SD, Thanks for sharing. Over the past year, separation has never gotten easier for me either. I think some days the pain is less than others, but it never really goes away. It truly is horrible pain. It's so hard to explain to others when they ask why I'm in so much pain. I just say, "Life. Stuff." I really am thankful for this group where we do understand each other. I had a good session today, so I'm trying to hold on to the good for as long as I can. Hope you can find some relief, too. PFRead More...

Hi Frustrated - I definitely do NOT have BPD. (Sorry, hit a bit of a raw nerve with that one - it's not personal ) I was misdiagnosed aged 18. I can't talk much about it as it was very traumatic in how I was treated as a result (20years ago Women with BPD were assumed to be attention seeking, manipulative and any distress I communicated was not only seen as that, but I was treated like it too - it was very very damaging) My actual diagnosis is PTSD. 70% of people with so called BPD actually...Read More...

Affinity, I really admire your courage! Congrats on taking a risk. It sounds like you have a great T who understands ET and you. So glad he was able to help you work through some of it. I totally understand when sessions are good, it makes it all that much harder.Read More...

I had a pdoc/t who retired (on me) with a three month notice. I went into deep mourning. I felt like I had learned of her death date, and we would have this final separation. It took me all of those three months, and then some, to realize that even after we terminated, she would still be alive. In reality, I could call her, email her - and I have done so a handful of times. Allowing myself to recognize that it wasn't The End helped to give me some breathing space. Of course, it is a very...Read More...

Congratulations on your sobriety! I imagine that is one of the biggest things that has contributed to where you are today - in a much better place with all kinds of amazing things happening. Gratitude is a wonderful thing. I think it makes us all feel good, because we are recognizing something positive rather than focusing on the negative. Expressing gratitude to anyone is a wonderful thing, but to a public servant... well, I think it just means more. Those who work in the community don't...Read More...

I worried a lot about it when I was seeing the T with parkinson's. I was also concerned when I knew she was retiring, because I would want to know if she died. Then I worried that her disease would make it impossible to talk or communicate and I would be a mess about all of that. Never did talk about it. Altho I did ask her after a doctor appt (which she had mentioned) if she was okay. Before that one, I had a T/Pdoc who one day fell off the earth. His office didn't know where he was, none...Read More...