I am glad you explained it, but sorry that you have trigger happening. I don't think you would upset anyone - it is just that we worry because we careRead More...

XOXO - just beautiful I too just want to sit here and feel those feelings that I imagined after reading your post. I am so glad you explained it so well SDRead More...

((((COGS))))) Just checking in and hoping you are still on that upswing. I love what Iris said about seeing you striving because she is so right. You are in more pain on a constant basis than probably anyone I know and the easy thing to do would be to quit, to give up. But you don't. You keep trying, hoping something will give, something will break. And it will. All that hard work and determination will pay off. You know, those neurons form a little more slowly (okay, maybe a lot) at our...Read More...

(((((ELIANA))))) So glad things worked out with your T. Your story reminds me of how scary it feels to be angry with someone important but to learn that they take you seriously and care about your feelings. It really feels good, doesn't it? He sounds like a good guy. LieseRead More...

Athenacus... I agree with Liese and Draggers too. It may be a bit to share but.. sometimes it can help. Sometimes I can't control my facial expressions - it's like they operate separately from me sometimes - and I remember T was telling me a story where she said her and her friend had been partying and were downtown and she said 'It was probably like 1am and we were..." and I guess I gave her a look when she said 1am (this story is from like 15 years ago) and she corrected herself saying...Read More...

Good topic, Yaku. Lots of stuff here to think about. TNRead More...

Sorry I've ignored my own thread for so long. Something came up today and I have started to realize another reason it bothers me and it is just because of some inappropriate joking by H that made me feel another layer of there being something wrong with feeling liked, cared about, special to T. I talked to T about ad nauseum today and to H tonight and I think we're all on the same page about him avoiding those triggering teases, so I am feeling a little less stressed about it. Sometimes they...Read More...

I am a semi-pro artist who really uses my artworks to express my inner world in various media. My suggestion about your anxiety, Cat, is to be brave but to start with a very simple drawing, as easy and brief as you need it to be, just to get started.Read More...

Thank you all for the kind comments. I loved reading the replies! HeldincompassionRead More...

Thank you all for responding! I have some different perspectives that I hadn't thought of or some that I thought, but didn't know how to verbalize. NavyMe-I love what you said here... Beautiful! This captures the feeling in words!Read More...

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Hey Lilies, Just wanted to throw a wave at you and say - "I'm so sorry this is you, too. But I'm a little bit glad that I'm not alone in it."Read More...

I think it might help to study into the dynamics of Transference in a book on psychology. Try to figure out just what's going on back and forth. You probably already know transference re-enacts situations you got into with important people in your life way back. Somehow, this T may be bringing that out like no other. But that's the perfect chance to get a hold on what goes haywire in your life. I think that reading more about transference in psychology could reveal a lot to you so you can...Read More...

Welcome Skylynx. Cool name. You have come to the right place. People on here are extremely helpful.Read More...

Hey to everybody that has helped me with this. You guys are freaking awesome. I am doing better today after a rough start this morning. I wake up and feel like I am in this deep, deep hole and I can't get out no matter how hard I try. I know currently is has a lot to do with the relationship with my T and the tough time we are having. I did call back and apologize, but she didn't call me back and I didn't ask her to. I don't have her email address, so I think I am just going to write her a...Read More...

(((Yaku))) I think you put it perfectly. It is a basic fundamental need to feel loved and to connect. I’m guessing that the way we think about this as adults is set very early in life in the pre verbal years, when physical touch connections were the most important ones. You are right when you say we need to get to the point of “feeling” loved , (((BLT))) yes there is huge gap between being loved and feeling loved. I’ve no doubt that my mother did/does love me in her own way, but have I / do...Read More...

((((AG))))((((CTL))))((((ELIANA))))((((LANDA))))((((LG))))) It feels so wierd to me not to know how to feel. I feel so damaged emotionally. I called my Mom yesterday and she told me that it was mean of me to call her on Sunday and launch right into everything and not wish her a happy mother's day. Meanwhile, she was the one who launched right into everything by telling me that she's insisting my brother come and my niece has to get over it. She doesn't see that there was anything wrong with...Read More...

Thank you for that Liese. After you summed it up like that I guess he was pretty cool. I just wasn't receptive. Now I can't shake off a deep feeling of embarrassment, I wasn't specially glamorous crying in front of him... Didn't help that there were no tissues available (he did try to find some, bless him). Can we make the anger come back please? :P Mmm I'm sure next session will be interesting... ((Hugs))Read More...

Yay (((Pings))) (((Draggers))) & (((AV)))! So glad each of you understood the song in the light I intended it! It's really all about giving someone strength, no? We'll make it through, we're stronger than whatever comes at us, and when we're weak or struggling, someone here will lift us up - love us through another day. StarryRead More...

BG, Thanks for the link. It was very interesting to read. In her book, Deborah Lott said that many therapists said the same thing. I can see how that plays out. I just had an incident with my T at the end of my session. My T would sometimes touch my arm as we approached the door at the end of my sessions. I really wanted to lean into him because I was sad I was leaving him and wanted to lean into him so he could comfort me but knew I couldn't so I would just make a sad face instead. He...Read More...

Yes, and often times I think my T thinks that too, NavyMe!! My T almost always responds to emails unless I ask her not to (and even then sometimes she does anyway). She will talk about the general feelings - I guess it's sort of validating - though I think almost 100% of the time I'm talking about shame so my T almost always replies with 'be compassionate with yourself' which is truly a reminder I need 100x. I can see how you'd feel like one email was more important than another one. Maybe...Read More...

This subject is still a stopping point/wall for me... It bugs me... I've had one appointment since we broached this subject. I had originally agreed that we didn't need to reschedule my appointment from last week to the weekend, and then wound up calling and requesting the session anyway... My T made the appointment for me, and we spent a lot of the session discussing the idea of discussing the anger/worthiness issue. I have a couple of issues... 1- I feel all off kilter with the subject, I...Read More...

This weekend it has been extremely helpful to have H home after a week he was gone for work. It is nice he sort of 'gets' my transference feelings so I can vent to him about it, and when I'm suddenly shaking and crying he knows why. I have kept what I say to him real short, because when he worries about me, it just adds to his stress, which I don't want to do. And mostly I need time to myself to journal, think and cry, and he's more hands on around here with the kids. One thing that is bad,...Read More...

I listened and survived. I listened with Boo, so she could hear "Mommy when she was little," like she is now. It feels like I am almost five. I predicted before I heard it what I thought might be on it and was kind of right (about the singing and reading part of a book). Inside, it felt like it was a specific book and then I thought, "No, I don't think it was," but it ended up being the book that part was saying it was, which is "The Monster at the End of This Book." It got cut off before I...Read More...