hi Perri, nice to meet you and welcome to the forums! i can seriously relate to all of it except the jealousy part. being 7 out of 8 kids i do have jealous feelings that i am aware of, but nothing that i'm too concerned about. i SO relate to the rest of it, though ... feeling like an outsider EVERYWHERE, even in my own warped family, feeling judged all the time. it hurts terribly and it sucks and i know it's my imagination but that doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference. so you're...Read More...

SD -- I did want to say THANK YOU for sharing your experience that is awesome. Just reading the phrase 'cock up' made my day Scattered -- thanks for the good wishes I was waiting to update for when I would have that AMAZING session. I've had a few okay sessions since this post, and this week was back to "this shit sucks". I do feel like I am making a major mess of therapy!!! GahhhRead More...

hopeful - did you ask to see the notes or ask if she remembered and/or wrote it down? sometimes my t will flip back to another day in her notes if she's trying to bring something up, but I don't think she writes what she says. my Ts have amazing memories and recall all kinds of stuff my regular T will sometimes bring stuff up she's said that she thinks triggered me. It sounds like your t kind of got defensive or something that's why I ask if you wanted to SEE the notes or not because Ts can...Read More...

((((BG))))) Sucks beyond belief. It has been really painful for me to come to grips with this truth about my mother. That the reason I kept getting hurt was that I kept going back hoping she would be different and respond differently. It was a grief to let go of ever having her be the person I wanted her to be or even being a person I could have a better relationship with. But oddly enough, once I faced that and accepted that, it actually has become less painful to interact with her. But I...Read More...

ooops! i didn't mean to actually post that just yet ... i meant to elaborate a little. anyway, i don't think i'm a boundary pusher, BUT i do think that i tend to see others as "how can i benefit from this relationship"? sure, i can put up a front and communicate like anybody, like i'm on the up=and=up, but i'm thinking you struck something close to my core and that's why i'm posting now. i'm thinking (not proudly) that on some deep level i do look at other as "what can you provide me with"?Read More...

(((B2w))) thanks for that reply. Rationally I can understand that my mother has her own issues but I wish I could *feel* it. That's actually one of the things my T insisted on, that this is not my fault, and I can understand that my mother has problems, I can understand the importance of it not being about me, but I still don't *feel* it. Will it ever sink in? What a bad time for my T going on holidays, I'll only see him in another week so I'm on my own here Thank God I decided to get...Read More...

No, Quell, I think that is a very good beginning of your story with T. You are safe to say to him whatever you need to. He understands. And if you do find out down the road that you love him, well now you know that feeling is okay and accepted. I'm glad you asked. Hugs TNRead More...

I didn't. I have never had anyone that I could bare my emotions to. I've tried a few times, but my emotions are too intense for people to handle, which, in turn made my best emotional support my imaginary friends as a child, my cat, and the music I listened to drown out the thoughts, feelings in my head.Read More...

Pretty much always. According to my mom I've been an intense hypochondriac as far back as SHE can remember... Though I was born 3 months early so maybe people treated me like I was fragile or something.Read More...

Hey Becca here. Thanks to everyone who read and replied to my rant from yesterday. Well therapy didn't go so well today. I'm done. I really can't afford to go anyway. Some of the stuff going on in my life, which I did not elaborate on yesterday, involves my job and my 14 year relationship with a man who wants to marry me, but I refuse. I have been cut to part-time in my job. I am running out of money. I don't live with my boyfriend. Things are not going well at all and I told T tonight, that...Read More...

Autumn, Good luck to you. This situation would be quite difficult, especially working with a sub T and then having some attachment form. I think you are very brave to be admitting these feelings, and the fact that you can see your own needs in relation to working more effectively with sub T shows that it would be a good idea to follow your heart on this matter. I like what everyone said about discussing these feelings with subT, and of course, what my good friend Somedays said about throwing...Read More...

Monte, oh yeah, the dread and despair and hopelessness would be settling in to me by now too. Hang in there. xoxo LieseRead More...

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Thought I had replied to this - I think I did but did the big Delete. I have had a few weeks of half crappy sessions and 2 this past week. What is it in the universe??? I told T after the first one that it was a crappy session. The 2nd one I told her she sat too close, was not intuitive enough, was minimising my pain, was rushing me through stuff too quickly, was attacking me and had cornered me and that is not a good thing, was not listening to me etc etc. She has rocked my trust again and...Read More...

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yes he always changes the time and day?but he only sees me once a month, he has tonnes of people he must see!Read More...

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Held I like the way you construed what she said. It makes sense. I'm glad you are happy. And as screwed up as she has been, she earned some points in my book for validating that you were just standing up for yourself and/or trying to take control of your therapy. Some other rotten T might try to put it all on you. LieseRead More...

(((FMN))) (((SD))) (((muff))) Thanks, you all, for posting. I have been reading, but am just at a loss for what to say, even though it's my own thread. We (T and I) are coming up against a bunch of my protectiveness over my parents and my massive inability to believe in how bad things were. Last night, T got pretty confrontational about my seeing the reality of the stuff I have described to him, because I'm so stuck in denial. At one point, he actually said it makes him feel a little crazy...Read More...

Hi LK, I'm sorry I don't have any good wisdom or advice to offer, as I have exactly the same response to anger as you do. I can be absolutely screaming and raging on the inside, but on the outside, I freeze up, clamp down, and it all goes inward. Just went through a hellish weekend because of it, actually, and finally vented privately to a very dear friend (lucky her, right)? I hate what it does to me on the inside, it makes me feel so poisoned. However, letting it out is really terrifying...Read More...

Scary stuff, and no doubt would have an negative impact on any child/adult. The memories are there now without the feelings attached,because they have been repressed. Intolerable feelings towards parents can be very threatening to a child. Safer to hide and deny them, until there is an overload of pain/shame/anger/hurt. We might wonder then where all these anxious feelings come from when we are older? An overload of pain from the past can cause a lot of unexplained fear, and confusion in our...Read More...

(((((COGS)))))) How are you doing? Any better? I hope so! Thinking of you! xoxoxoxo LieseRead More...

Pink, I'm sorry you had to deal with a therapist like that but I'm glad you had the strength to end it and move forward. As for new T, she sounds pretty legit but in the end it all comes down to you and how comfortable you feel with her. I agree with SomeDays in giving her maybe a few more sessions to get more of a feel or her. I hope everything works out!Read More...

(((BLT)))(((TN)))(((kansas)))(((Sadly)))(((Forgetmenot))) thank you so much for all your words and support, they mean a lot to me and they helped me immensely to make sense of all this! I wanted to come back to this topic much sooner but real life happenned and I was unable to update it until now. I had my session with T yesterday, and asked him about the reason why he would want to see me in his other practice, and after hearing his explanation I felt such a fool for distrusting him so...Read More...

Even though I'm late- it's made my day too! thanks for sharing Cat. BeebsRead More...