Liese, Jane, thank you a lot. I know sleep deprivation does play into it...but I don't feel as sleep deprived as usual (sad), so I'm not sure how much. I do know there is a friend who would help with my daughter, but she is pregnant, and watches her own seven-year-old, one-year-old and another friend's five-year-old and one-year-old, so I really save that for when I absolutely need it (like going to therapy when H is out of town). I told my pastor today what's going on with me and I was...Read More...

Sadly I'm so glad you had the opportunity for that phone session with sweetP. I hope it helps to make the wait easier on you. I love the visual of sneaking under his arm and resting on his chest and listening to his heartbeat. I may steal that from you and use it when I am missing my T. Like now... I hated leaving him today. I'm glad that sweetP accepted this so well and understands. He really is sweet! TNRead More...

Session tonight. Panicking it will go like last week, I will be silent, unwilling to tell him that I am falling apart, take hours to ground by myself, because I won't let him help me...it's too hard to receive his care right now, for some reason... He sent back he was "praying" when I let him know I was anxious and having bad urges and just receiving the fact that he's praying for me is panicking me. I wish he would have just ignored me. I just needed to reach out. I should have told him not...Read More...

TN, Excellent work. I'm so happy to hear you being direct and open with your T and what you need. Thank you for sharing your journey.Read More...

I asked sweetP to move closer to me today as I tried to talk about the cruelty I experienced and he choose to not hear and not move. I guess we have to understand their limitations. I also did tell sweetP today though, that I hope one day he will be in emotional, psychological or physical pain, preferably all three and will really want someone to hold his hand, or come close and NO ONE WILL AND IT WILL SERVE HIM RIGHT. Pretty mean of me, and he looked like I had just punched him but I just...Read More...

Incognito, I can imagine how scary it will be to trust that your boss will now mean what he says and says what he means. In my own FOO, everything was said with a smile but then you got punched in the stomach. You just couldn't trust what anyone said. And that has been a huge issue in therapy. Believing that T will take care of his own boundaries and I can trust that he's not angry with me or not going to get angry. So, the long and the short of it is, I totally get how scary that would be...Read More...

arg- had to delete, Sadly as I didn't feel ok about what I posted before for some reason. Just want to say I think it's ok to talk about whatever you need to with your T and sure it is safe to do so. hugs, BBRead More...

More and more TN, I love this new T!Read More...

((((Jane)))) First, love the new avatar Second - So brave of you to say this to your T!! I am so impressed! I could keep quoting your posts on this thread, and others responses, but... All this is so applicable to what I am experiencing right now, it's taken me quite a while to be able to respond to this thread. Keep your appointments with your T. Move through the pain of allowing yourself to receive the safe help. The only way out is through. And yes, I'm saying this to you as much as I'm...Read More...

I am keeping aware of what you are writing here Yaku - keeping you in mind and sending you all my best wishes and caring thoughts. Still feel useless on the commenting front, and again want to apologise. the only thing that I seem able to say is that my sweeetP runs over so much I have given up trying to work out how long a session is. Formally it was meant to be 75 minutes, but it is always 100 minutes or more. He actually seems to be scheduling in 2 hours and tries to end it after 100...Read More...

Incognito, This is huge!! Good for you!Read More...

Sadly, I'm sorry, I would find that one tough as well. I am very grateful that my T has been married for 38 years (I figure at this point, it's probably going to last. ) It really helped me feel safe to know that. But from everything you said about SweetP, he's really good about his boundaries, so I don't think you need to worry. AGRead More...

It's clear that he is using you to make himself feel better, and I think therein lies the trauma of it. But just because people lie, doesn't mean that they are right- just the opposite. As you siad: This is the truth of the situation, and since it is, of course oldT will have to make it look like you were entirely to blame for all that went wrong...that was the problem with him from day one- failure to *take responsibility* as your therapist- for your healing, by keeping his own boundaries...Read More...

((((SB)))) I totally would have felt judged and angry too. It's so hard when we know intellectually that T doesn't mean something a certain way, but we can't help but FEEL that they are lying or manipulating or unconsciously suggesting our worthlessness. It's confusing and painful. And, again, if she hurt you, then anger is the appropriate response. You can choose what to do with the anger, but it's OK to feel it. I'm sorry that you didn't have time to set aside for your feelings though. I...Read More...

(((LL))) Just take care of yourself right now.Read More...

Actually, Sadly, it does help knowing I'm not alone. It's especially helpful when I'm thinking with my brain and not my heart, which lately, I have been doing more heart-thinking than brain-thinking, which always gets me in trouble, at least in the immediate, though I know it's better in the long run... Seablue, I don't know why it is so hard to ask for her to call me back. I wish I could bring that up in session. Today, at least I jumped right into the topic of the message I left her on...Read More...

Thanks, BG. Feel like I'm on the edge of tears all evening.Read More...

Aww, Sadly, you're sweet. I am doing well. I had a post with more details about my session, but I got PAD about feeling like I put too much of my own stuff out there, so I deleted it. I basically have sent T a list of all the things my inner kiddo wants from him and the way I use Evil Projection T to restrain her from doing so. There are some things I definitely would like from him (like a different seating configuration, more of certain types of interaction he already gives me, maybe a...Read More...

((((TN))))Read More...

It is very reassuring that he gets feedback to ensure that he is doing the best for you. Thank you for posting and being honest about this session and how it is going, it is helpful to hear how you communicate and yet have difficulties communicating too. Yet are talking about this, together. Very helpful.Read More...

AG, first, so glad the procedure went well, that you were a rather pleasant patient, and that you're home and recovering! Aside from the incredible insight from your post, I really appreciate your candidness - this is not something to sugar coat, and that you are still being challenged sometimes is good to hear (while the challenge does stink, I would imagine) because it's REAL. It's honest. And it's so helpful that you've shared. (((AG)))Read More...

Thanks BB, I am still pro holding and touch in therapy myself, it is being proved to re wire neural pathways fast especially from early years trauma, but sweetP is certainly emotionally holding me, and that is such a good feeling. I find that the fact that he was prepared to say no kindly and also risk being wrong in that answer - was a very helpful experience as I visibly saw him wrestle with the dilemma of trying to work out what was right for me, in his own view, whilst not being entirely...Read More...

Monte, Thank you for your support. Yes. Thank you for getting it. And I am so sorry that you get it. seablueRead More...

Thank you LL for your support. I appreciate that you could give me support even in the midst of your pain of being Tless again. I think you are right and my T is very good, accepting of me, not judging me and it doesn't seem to help me open up and talk to him about the things that are important to me. It also means that I don't think finding another T would help me I tend to think I am permamently damaged and I don't know what to do. In many ways I wish I hadn't started therapy. Now I'm so...Read More...

yaku, thanks for saying that. i think i need to keep thinking and to keep my options open at the moment. stoppers, yes, that is definetely a possibility. its a little hard to let go of her at the moment but when i get a better idea of what can and cannot work i will ask her that. TN, thank you for saying that, its so nice to feel welcomed and not judged here. i'm going to make an appointment with her in about 3 weeks, i just found out she's on holiday at the moment. but maybe thats better,...Read More...