MTF, Good to see you. Thank you for your support. I think I have decided that I will at least meet the T at some point, but not before processing everything I am feeling with my T. My pattern has been to either run away or supress my own feelings and forgive out of embarrassment for my feelings and also for fear of hurting the other person with my feelings. I am beginning to see that this will be a valuable experience even though it is very unpleasant. The way I handle it will be good...Read More...

Ruby - Of course, I don't mind! It is actually very relieving to know that someone can identify these exact same feelings (states or selves even). I really appreciate you sharing your experiences here.Read More...

LL you couldn't have said it better. Yaku, I so get this. I actually have severe adverse reactions when I get complimented. I get completely nauseous and go numb. It's an automatic response, and I really don't like it, but have no other coping mechanisms. I so don't feel deserving of anything good coming back to me, it's my job to send the good out to the world. Hopefully, when I'm in a better place of being able to receive "good" things, there will still be some out there for me.Read More...

((((Sadly))) I wish I could say more - my brain is fried - but I will for sure be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers while you are away on your trip to India, especially since that is where you went through awful abuse and pain... I can understand about craving and grieving that kind of comfort of being held. (maybe it's not all lost... can I ask, what about your H? oh, I'm sure you have gone there already.) Yay! you deserve such a good T after all you have been through. I'm also glad...Read More...

Still thinking of you. I've been imagining all evening what it would be like to be held by someone I could trust, held and count on it not to turn into something violating. I want so badly to just be wrapped up in someone else's care. I'm feeling really connected to your sense of mourning right now. I hope you're doing OK. (((((hugs)))))Read More...

Jones: "I also think there are many important reasons a therapist will say 'hey, it's time to look at the relationship', and there are many complex things that happen inside clients when they do say that - including our avoidant attachment patterns." I think this applies to my situation. It helps to have words on it. Excellent points, Jones and TN and STRMS- You guys know that I'm dealing with this kind of issue in my therapy right now. My take has been that it's just not the same for every...Read More...

Thanks, STRM. I'm doing OK now. I realized even if I don't get to talk to T, our family is doing dinner with our pastor's family tomorrow night. If H is up for putting our daughter to bed again, I may take separate cars and hang out and talk with them a while. It has been a while since I updated them on how things are going (other than brief responses to them checking in on me).Read More...

Thanks for all the replies. The session was today. I am still very tearful- still very mixed. I asked about seeing him privately and he said he isnt allowed to see ones privately that he has seen else where- kind of as I thought I managed to pluck up the courage to ask him about the best type of therapy for abuse and he has said face to face stuff- he said that would obviously have to be with someone I trusted - which I used as lead in to ask about his private practice. I dont think the fact...Read More...

Ag, I can see how it seems as though much of the convo was about Ts feelings. In her defense, I started the convo by stating, "I would like to discuss how things went during our last session and I'm wondering how you are feeling about things now?" I intentionally made an effort throughout the convo to check in with her and not just make it about me because it was important for me to know how she was feeling. Typically, I do not feel that she makes the therapy about her. However, I do still...Read More...

((((YAKU)))))))Read More...

Maybe you can bring that up to her. My T does the same thing and I have told him that the inconsistency is confusing to me.Read More...

Go MH!!! nothing like asking for something and not only getting it, but feeling validated in the process. Way to go!Read More...

((((Sadly)))) Thanks for the hugs. I'm sorry you are having a rough time too. Too bad we don't know each other personally, than we could both get the holding we need, whenever one of us gets all little! Texted T like crazy. He finished reading my email and said everything was OK. I let him know all the awful things I was projecting and how when he said N was "immature" that it made me feel like he had revoked my right to feel angry/injured by what happened, and I feel so stupid for needing a...Read More...

oh god, it was quite awful. What do you do when you cannot talk because your whole body is shaking and your heart is about to pound its way out of your chest? the slightest noise outside the room frightens you so much you want to hide under the table? What do you do when your P is so kind and understanding and tries so hard to get you to talk, to tell him what you are going through and all you have in your head is fear and no words? What do you do when after 90 minutes of this, you...Read More...

Oh Monte, I don't think I can do it. I literally have NO memories of my mother ever giving me a hug or kiss until I called her on it when I was already 21...and she is so awkward about it that it feels disgusting to me, like an invasion or an unwilling act. I know she did when I was an infant/toddler, but not even often then according to some family sources. And my father only hugged me hello and goodbye and was very awkward about kisses. The most physical contact we had was sports, like...Read More...

Hi Mayo... If I helped you in any way then I'm glad I wrote about my session. That's what it's all about... sharing our stuff and hopefully someone else will be helped by it. Halo, thanks for your kind words. Holding boundaries and being professional is so important to keeping us safe. I'm glad you have that too after the first bad experience. And yes I'm warm and cosy with my T now. He makes therapy a good and safe place to be. TNRead More...

Oh, BB, not because of what you said. I'm just feeling overly needy by posting so much lately. JD, everyone, thanks for all your input. I'm really struggling to be patient with myself with all of this. Hopefully, I will learn to pace myself, as T suggests, soon. I wouldn't count on it, though.Read More...

That is great Debbye! I'm glad you were able to talk it through with your T and he responded so well.Read More...

thanks for the encouragment everyone. Today was hard, but better. I'm very exhausted and have a lot to deal with tomorrow. on call T just called me about 30 minutes ago and left a voicemail message. I haven't checked it, and I just don't want to. I really don't want to know what she said or why she is calling me now 24 hours later. ugh, just leave me alone... I don't need more triggers for feeling icky stuff... DF ~ that tune for Tetris is addictive! Mahjong too! oh no, I'm not even playing...Read More...

Thanks for the support, Jane. I'm still feeling so disgusted at having friends in common, especially four family members...but it can't be helped, as I don't really have enough trust in those people (sad, in the case of my sisters) to want to tell them about it. My family turns everything into drama and gossip and this is NOT something I want talked about, especially behind my back.Read More...

He's trying to get you to see how it would feel if you did give up therapy and had to get by with just your H. He's trying to get you to decide if it's the worth the money to you. Only you can decide that Beebs.Read More...

BB, I experience exactly what you are talking about. I have an Angry state, an Anxious state and a Victim (scared) state that come out and F--- my life up. I have two functional states (Caregiver and Intellectual) that help me get by. When Angry or Victim take over, I think and do things that make no sense at other times. When they go away, the thoughts and actions no longer make sense, as if I was a different person, but aware of everything that happened. I always just assumed it was...Read More...

Sadly, I am happy that you are getting this out of your head and being able to share it with current T and get the reassurance that you are in no way to blame for what happened. It makes me sick to know that oldT is practicing in the UK. UGH. Sick.Read More...

Well yesterday sucked balls. I did not do well with the food, but I didn't let myself get into the danger zone. I don't have an ED, but I have some major food allergies that make me pretty sick. I actually tried to make other plans for today, but as seemed to be the pattern for this weekend, they fell through as well. LG - I did end up watching some movies I had DVRd, and am catching up on a few TV shows I DVRd as well. I cleaned, too, which I hate to do, so it was a productive way to get my...Read More...

Incognito I'm sorry the past days have been so hellish for you but I am so pleased to see how well you worked through it and it seems that you have just taken a big step forward. Regarding the quote above... your T really does understand that he will have to keep reassuring you and reminding you and discussing your trust issues and put them into the context of your past. He has no problem doing that and you need to hear him that it's okay and it does not mean you are going backwards. It's...Read More...