Well, it was actually me who said it in a kind of reflection about he said last week about my feeling guilty about needing anyone except God and maybe my husband being perhaps just a guise for my defense mechanism of not allowing myself to need at all. I didn't go into detail with T yesterday, because he knows all this already, but needing wasn't very safe. At home (and I'm talking pre-teen/teen years here, because the chaos of earlier years makes it hard to demonstrate any consistent...Read More...

P.S. Good luck tomorrow.Read More...

I met my husband when I started going to church a few months before my 17th birthday. I didn't have a ride home and he tricked me into giving me one. We were friends for over a year (because I was dating someone else). When I got dumped, he asked me out about a month later, after getting "permission" from my ex to do so. So, we dated for most of my senior year and all the way through my time at Stanford. We got married six days after I graduated. It was stressful to plan a wedding at that...Read More...

thanks, sweet D, love and hugs back! puppetRead More...

Actually Halo, it is quite fun to go in there say " I want to be angry as that is easier than what lies underneath and also there is a lot of interaction when I get angry - I sure feel you have to listen. when I look underneath I feel fear and terror and scary feelings and that is not easy - but I would like to see if I can stop doing the anger bit and get to the bit underneath - scary though it is for me." I find this works a treat: open, authentic, vulnerable but risking it anyway, etc. It...Read More...

I'm new here, but glad to have you around!Read More...

my pleasure Moomin, do you come from Finland like all Moomins? I have been deeply helped by the people on this forum some of whom are experienced and insightful about the various aspects of therapy. With their help I am coming to understand that my own wounds and difficulties are not really the traumas but the initial attachment woundings and my psychologists agrees with this so we are addressing this much more overtly, openly. I have just written up my blog entry for today's session with...Read More...

Moomin, i just feel for you. This kind of transference is very normal - the normal reaction to not having a stable and loving attachment figure when small and so you keep looking for it, I hope that you find that you can be loved and met by your P and that when you deeply feel this from your P the intensity of the need will lessen as it has had experience of being met. Take care.Read More...

I think your list is really good and it makes perfect sense. I think most people would say the same thing about any relationship, especially one where you're being as vulnerable as with a T. I hope you get a chance to share it with your T and she really "receives" it and understands it as you trying to participate, which she seems to want.Read More...

Seablue... however we lose our Ts it's still a very painful loss and I do not make light of the pain and grief you are suffering too. I am very glad that I could inspire you in some way and/or help you with this transition time in your life. And I KNOW you can do this, because I did and you are just as strong (or stronger) and also because you have a good T who is making your needs a very important part of the transition. She is there for you, even though she is moving away. I'm a very glad...Read More...

Hi LG thanks for answering, yes it is there when I need it and yes I can control it. But it is also controlling me, I have type 2 diabetes and the meds I am on are making it very much out of control and eating chocolate doesn't help at all. I don't know how to stop liking it and start hating it. Hi DF I guess I knew it was going to be tough and that is why I have spent my whole life doing it. I am terrified of the emotions that are going to come up but I know I have to do it to get better.Read More...

I'm trying to stay hopeful and avoid going to that place that associates feeling anything with being irrational and unpredictable like my mother. I have a daughter, so I am very conscious of not letting any of my anti-female garbage get into her head (and not to let Daddy put any in there either). I don't think I could stand to listen to my sessions at this point. I do a lot of my deep communication through journaling and when I reread the entries I've sent him, I have a myriad of negative...Read More...

Yea- forking over a check in session can be awkward. I try to just leave it on the side table. We never speak of money except during one of my freak out times when I called him my paid friend. I told him he had to like me because I paid him too.- and that the only reason he would listen of talk to me was because I paid him too. He had some really good answers for me at the time, but I forgot what they were. Oi- The things we put them through.Read More...

ag, just getting in on this thread. it is interesting to read your recap of the tender, hard feelings of yearning that you feel. that darned t of yours is sure good though! and he puts things so well... "to not realize that would be to still hope you could get what you lost and you would keep looking for something impossible to find." oh, so true. if he gave in any, it would just leave you thirsty for more. such harsh reality. but, and i know you have kids, once you GIVE IN, you make a...Read More...

Thanks for that Sadly. I can not add much more, as i feel as you do, but I am not able to see it as clearly as you do. Although my message to him would be- I do not need you any more because I am strong enough to do this on my own now. In fact- in essence I have said this, then stayed away for a month- saw him, then stayed away for another month. I will see him tomorrow, but I don't know if I can express this. Now if- I only have the courage to say something similar to my T. Even though...Read More...

thanks so much - bought the first two tonight. Looking forward to reading them SRead More...

just wanted to add - one good thing that came out of that bad session - it helped me to reach out on the forum (and get so many nice posts) thank you!Read More...

I'm a little late to the party, but I am so happy for you that it went so well. Happy that you were able to see him without the disappointment of having to reschedule. Happy that he was steady for you. Happy that he was still good-looking. And I really liked this part: Of course we all know that a lot of this wisdom and strength comes from within you! You are the sage of this forum. But you do have some of your T inside too. And I imagine that must be very comforting to know that you carry...Read More...

WLOH: Thank you for sharing that. It was really moving. Sadly: Thanks for sharing those poems. Puppet: Thanks for sharing your poem. That was so moving and raw. I'm sorry you are still struggling. I've written some poetry, but mine is based on certain memories and could be triggering so I won't post here.Read More...

We just had a major snow- ice storm here as well. I too fear judgement (in my head I know it is all me, though)from T. Interestingly enough, he says that he fears judgement from me too. He even once said that my approval is important to him. Is that for real- or just good T lingo? I know not. Have a great session and I hope you seek the peace you are searching for. Try to connect the 12-18 inches from head to heart- The message that- It is NOT ( and never was ) your fault. I think my T is in...Read More...

Thank you so much. I work in a middle school. The students worked with butterflys- catapillars to cocoons - to butterflys. It is my understanding- that yes it is true. Thanks Janedoe, for the reminder.Read More...

I have only just caught up on this thread and I wanted to send warmth and care to you and say that I am so sorry you had this to carry for so long and I hope you have help and good support now and that you really heal. thank you for sharing and posting and there is not doubt that you have had an awful time in your childhood, truly pain filled and traumatic.Read More...

I just wanted to post my insight for the week. I realised that a lot of the tension and fear I was feeling about EMDR was actually termination fear, and fear of change. That if I actually address my stuff and get better then I won't be able to stay in therapy and won't get the on-going support that I want. At another level this is sort of fear that if I get better, if I start living more out of how I want things to be, rather than my sadness and hurts, I will be alone, isolated. It's like a...Read More...

Mac, I am so happy to hear that T has come around and re-evaluated the situation and has agreed to continue to work with you. It sounds as though there is still perhaps some level of anxiety about having to maintain the "mature" composure and not feeling free to let your wall down, but I think in time that fear will disappear. It is refreshing to read a story of a repaired relationship that was on the fringe of Termination.Read More...

I was and still am upset by him running 20 minutes late, I waited a whole half hour in the waiting room as I was ten minutes early and I was shoved past in the corridor by two men who were acting very strangely, maybe on drugs or something and there were lots of people running through the waiting room and it was just awful. And it was only when I actually got up to leave that the receptionist noticed me going past her bullet proof window and asked me to stay as his last patient had not come...Read More...