You are right- It was the Pope. =)Read More...

Monte: I am vacillating between a letter beforehand and just having one to give her when I get there if I can't think on my feet. But the way you put it, about certain expressions from her and how that might make me react to her reactions, causes me to think I might just be better off sending her a letter sometime this week so she has some time to think about whether or not she can deal with me and prepare herself to respond, etc. Ugh...I hate these kinds of agonizing decisions!!! Thanks for...Read More...

Monte and Pippi, I agree with you both. If I would put as much focus and energy/effort into my relationship with God as I do with my T, I would probably (no, I WOULD) be a whole lot healthier and better off than I am now. I just don't know how to apply that knowledge to making it happen and getting myself off of my T. It sucks...Read More...

Hello Starfish and thanks for your comments and welcome. Have to admit that I’m glad you commented on the first words my former T said to me - my own sense of it all is (STILL) oh it’s not that bad I’m making a big meal of it I know what she really meant - never mind that I am still impotently FURIOUS about it (and this after 24 years!) I think it’s that I’m so used to expecting people to say that my perceptions of things are wrong or incorrect that it floors me when people actually see what...Read More...

Incognito, I am so with you on this one. It never fails to amaze me that nothing is really changed but to have my T hear me and understand me, and often help me to understand myself is immensely healing. It seems that for human beings being heard and understood is MUCH more important for us than actually having things our way. Which is good because you can always be understood but you most definitely can't always have things be the way you want them. And may I join (the very wise!) CT in...Read More...

Thanks everybody…your replies gave me a lot to think about. Echo...thanks for waxing poetic!...although I hope to get better before I degenerate into "uncontrollable savagery"...how about "controlled churlishness"...or "measured moodiness"... Monte...Maybe your stray kitty and my wet puppy can keep each other company I do think the message is something we got very early on...I don’t remember ever expecting my mom to treat me any differently...but I have the feeling that if I ever do connect...Read More...

Wow- now i know how I missed this incredible thread-notifications off. My mind is reeling with all of the wonderful wise information on this thread. It is great to see how this stuff works. So many of you are so knowledgeable about therapy. AG- you always amaze me. I have had 15 months of therapy, and already I am thinking about leaving. Every concieveable way I've thought about this topic (thinking I am so original)has been expressed on this thread. I guess perhaps I am still running, and...Read More...

Thanks for your reply about this AG. I really want to be able to tell my t good stuff verbally, but it freaks me out. I feel so... lame? corny? insignificant? And I get worried... like, what if I think it's good and I find out it's not true or valid or maybe it just doesn't matter or it's stupid. I get REALLY nervous about it. I wanted to tell her today but I just couldn't. I just talked about my job and school and other stuff, but i couldn't say "hey, what you said last week really meant a...Read More...

Hi Guys, I understand the struggle with how much do you remember and how do you handle it. I've always gone by the belief that I only need to remember enough to deal with the feelings evoked by what happened. I don't think there's any virtue in remembering for remembering's sake. This is where the transference with my T proved to be so healing. I just kept going back and dealing with whatever got triggered by what happened in our relationship. Pursuing those feelings and trying to understand...Read More...

Hi TN! Thanks so much for the feedback. Like you, I get caught up in feeling awful, which makes it hard to do the therapy. Of course, the pain is very legitimate, but it’s also important to have the courage to at least try to do the work while in that place. That in itself is enraging. They say that the mind is elastic and it’s possible to actually change its physical makeup. If that’s the case, it really is a stop-and-start, meandering process just as you describe. Helle, I’m sorry that you...Read More...

Loorie, I voted for you to stay with therapy. I'm a guy, and I guess transference is different with guys, but I have my own version of transference with my T. What you're experiencing sounds like such a real, authentic feeling, and maybe it's the beginning of real, true healing...a kind of repairing of what got broken earlier in life. So I say stick with it! RussRead More...

hi you all, I just want to thank you all for your great courage in posting this stuff, and to absolutely validate you for every word. I wish everyone here (including myself) could just give themselves absolute permission to write whatever they feel and at as much length as they feel. My husband is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. It deeply affects our lives, as does my own history of emotional abuse and family violence. I really really struggle with being a good partner when there is so...Read More...

Beautiful poem AG!! mlcRead More...

Thanks SG and AG for your wise and kind words, I really feel guilty about posting that info. I feel like a traitor. This is an awful place to be in. I don't know what I did wrong?? Why did it turn out to be so confusing??? I guess the outcome is her responsibility, but she was responding to my needs. I emailed her asking if she wanted to stop contact with me. Her reply was that the email was hurtful....This morning I asked to see her in person to talk. She has not responded. And, I don't...Read More...

Hi there Stummergirl, Thanks for sharing so much about your journey. I just wanted to pipe in here, because this: struck a chord with me. You're right, the solution itself DOES trigger the problem, but unlike alcohol, food, love, insert addiction here, therapy is actually a solution that has the potential to work. For me, I went into therapy knowing I would have to become "addicted" to my therapist in my same old transferencial way in order for me to STOP my addictive, codependent behavior.Read More...

Hi all, AG thank you for expressing why we zone out so clearly. My T has also said similar but somehow it is clearer coming from someone who has been there themselves - and I know she hasn't . Perhaps we need to kinder to ourselves when it happens and trust that by persevering in this processs it will gradualy stop. Does anyone get any warning because I don't seem to, can even find I have fallen asleep or done things I don't remember. Magpie, I do tell my T I trust her - I thinks it helps me...Read More...

Hi I'm OK. My therapist has made it very very clear that his door remains open and I am welcome back at any time. And for that matter, I am welcome to take as long as I need to leave. I told him I wasn't leaving unless I knew I could come back. I haven't talked to him yet about communicating after I leave but I have no doubt that I will be able to send him notes or go back in for the occasional "tune up" session. Something he said is really helping me which is I'm not going away from him,...Read More...

This post is an oldie but a goodie - and I'm so glad I found it as I don't have to create in my own words what I am currently feeling regarding boundaries / asking for what I need / phone contact / requests denied and feeling corrected and hence unloved. Cheers! I'm OKRead More...

Right now the important thing is that you are going to tell your partner not the reason behind it. I have to tell my husband when I screw up and its not because I want to or I know its the right thing to do but because I know that I am getting an ultimatum from someone whom I dont want to loose. And if that is what keeps me doing the right thing I think that is all that is important. I do believe that some day I will get to the point that I will be doing the right thing just because its the...Read More...

Hey, Helle! I'm so glad this helped... what you say here really matches up with what I understand - hopefully that means we are both on the right track, rather than both wandering down the garden path!! There are a couple of other things I'd add that have been helpful to me. One is understanding that we got those defences for really good reasons. If they are not helpful any more, we can still honour the little kid we were who was smart enough to come up with that defence when we needed it.Read More...

Whoa SG- this is me. I don't have anything to add, except thanks for this revelation- something for me to look at.Read More...

Married, and has a daughter.Read More...

Reading your stuff helps me, but why do we have to stick or stay with the garbage feelings? Why should we focus on the crap. My T says something about process, but I prefer avoidance. I too can not handle when T does not get back to me. I still hate talking to him ( or anyone) on the phone- much prefer txting. I too relate to the rejection issues.Read More...

Wow, thanks, you guys. I take a step out of hiding and get virtually tackled. You really know how to make a girl feel welcome! *GROUP HUG* (((Summer, Mad Hatter, KS, Jones, Hummingbird, echo, Amazon, everybody else ))) It really is fun how your names just naturally come up when I’m talking to my T. It’s like you are intertwined with me and there’s no getting around it. So you know you really do make a difference to me, you all help me so much that you’ve become a part of me. Thanks for...Read More...

Thanks, HB, it does feel very special. It's particularly strong because it feels like this approach, this way of managing the separation, was so perfectly tailored for *me*, it maybe wouldn't have worked for others but it was a result of her hearing what I needed and what I could handle. Yesterday I came home with waves of crossness for her having gone away at all, and that's subsided into feelings of just wanting to *snuggle in* to the relationship as I think about all the ways she cared...Read More...