CT -- I think its possible to believe that religion is not necessarily a bad thing. I honestly think that therapy is a form of spirituality (the 20th-21st century kind). Many people at the many churches I've attended are excellent people and seem very well-adjusted and content, so kudos to them! For me, walking into a church feels like walking into a bubble. My childhood was a study of dividing the world into good guys and bad guys, with no one in between. If I didn't behave like a good...Read More...

CT I am always a little paranoid that I'm going to screw up the relationship with my T and he'll drop me as a client. Today, he said (a little exasperated), "It seems like you are always trying to convince me that you are so horrible, and to tell you that you are bad but I'm not going to do it! That isn't what I think about you! You are just you, so there isn't any judgment involved." Of course, I was mortified. lolRead More...

A number of years ago, I asked about a diagnosis. My therapist kindly tells me that I'm "troubled" and we left it at that. Lately, I've been sort of struggling with the question again, I've got a different therapist now. But then, I kind of like "troubled" - it does the job and doesn't make me feel like I'm ill or broken, just ... experiencing technical difficultiesRead More...

Did you say before that he said you could contact him by phone, but just for three months? If you think it might help to slowly let go, then go ahead and make the calls (with fewer expectations, like you said above). I have continued contact with my son's T, who I became very attached to. We stopped seeing her in December, but I still see her in town occasionally and at a parent support group every month or so. I have emailed her occasionally and talked with her a little about some issues...Read More...

River Today, I asked my T if she feels hurt when I'm angry toward her. She said, "Generally, no, I try to figure out where it's coming from, but if your particularly rough, it does. I am human, after all" So, I guess it does sometimes hurt her feelings after all. I'm glad she was honest with me. catgirlRead More...

Summer, Those mixed messages must be hard! It would be so very painful and frustrating! He's probably conflicted himself. I'm glad you were able to share your thoughts and feelings in a letter, though. It's very strong of you to let it go, and not go through with the final session. It's good that you have your new T to work through this with. Good luck through all of this! CatgirlRead More...

Thanks! i always second-guess my own reactions. STill haven't found a bag of pinecones that Samy collected... but that's about it at this point! RobinRead More...

I see your point, robin. Summer, I can see why this is a difficult decision for you. Even after your last session, you'll probably keep wanting to just talk to him again, because you really like him. But if there were things that were unresolved, then go. Maybe he can use his therapeutic expertise to help you put closure.Read More...

CT, So glad to hear you're doing/feeling better. It's amazing how one good session can turn things around! I think your T speaks the truth about the process going at it's own pace, and that you can't force it. I guess the challenge is to survive while the stuff does it's thing. Like you, I've been going through a really rough stretch lately; really bad fear 24/7, which of course is really depressing. It can be tough to accept this idea and to be patient when it seems so relentless. Anyway,...Read More...

And sometimes it feels like the pain and suffering will never, ever end. I've got the heartbreak and despair down to an art form...anyway I can speed up the joy and healing part?Read More...

That is very touching Summer. Maybe the risk you took to let him in wasn't all bad after all?Read More...

Hi Russ I totally can relate to your being so frustrated and angry. I feel that way alot myself. It's hard when folks ask what is wrong with you and you don't really know. I get that alot. So I say nothing. But that's not really the truth. It feels like everything is wrong. I feel like I just go around begging people to like me or even recognize me, but it seems like they never do. And THAT makes me angry and frustrated and tired of trying. But I can't seem to stop. I don't mean to, I'm just...Read More...

Summer, I'm sorry you're facing this and although nothing I think HB said the most important things (and so lyrically and with such truth that it was like listening to a symphony by Beethoven and Mozart combined, HB!) I did want to point out one more thing. The point of therapy isn't that we figure out how to avoid any pain in relationships or become capable of finding a person who will NEVER hurt us. That's impossible because we have to have our relationships with other humans. What we need...Read More...

It happened to me with more than one perp, too. One as a young child and one as a teenager. And then, as an adult, I got into a sexually abusive relationship. I understand the sign thing, both messages that you feel. There's something about patterns. I don't quite understand it, but we repeat patterns. We also repeat family patterns, which is what I did. I ultimately don't feel like it was my fault, but when I go to the child part of me, I feel like I was bad and I deserved it. I don't know...Read More...

I agree with catgirl, couldn't have said it better myself. I don't think you owe him anything. I wish he would at least give you an explanation and at the very least, give you the names of other Ts who might be good for you. OWRead More...

I can't imagine going through what you're going through. It's one of the biggest fears of my life. Whatever's going on with him, I think that he owes it to you to give you a little more information. If he is gravely ill, he should have told you when he spoke on the phone with you last. It's not right to just drop you. I would be very angry and hurt. That's just my opinion. Like everyone said, don't take it personally. It's not about you; it's about whatever is going on with him. You will...Read More...

Thanks for sharing Samy. It's a great poem. I Hope you're doing okay... haven't heard much from you on the boards lately. Keep writing! -CTRead More...

This summer it will be a yearRead More...

TN: So sorry you are having such a hard time. Just remember this will not last. The knowledge that the bad days are temporal is all that keeps me going some days. But that's all it takes. After a day or 2, I can't remember the actual pain anymore, only that i'd had a really bad day ( or 2). I'm glad you were able to speak to your T and get a little bit of reassurance today. I am hoping your session tomorrow will be just what you are needing to pull you on out of that black hole. this was...Read More...

This is so hard because one moment I am fine and then the next moment I am caught up in such a tital wave of emotions and somatic memories that I can't distiguish past from present and then I am left in a daze unable to even sort through what just happened and why. Its like I keep getting that recording "All circuits are busy, please try your call again later." Russ, It is indescribable, but this sounds about right. (insert "stifling anxiety, agitation and unfocused dread." emoticon here)Read More...

GREAT analogy Russ....^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Ummmm....what he said....TGL ^^^^^^^^^^^^ SDRead More...

1. I should have never started therapy- it hurts and its confusing and I want it to stop. I am stuck in hell????? I am glad I started therapy, because I am stronger than I was. Hold way more knowledge/understanding than I had...=) I am strong and smart and can get through this.. I am not a quitter and there is NO going back! I am working my way OUT of hell 2.I wish I never met my therapist- because the fear of loosing her scares me to death! I am SO happy/thankful to have her, because she is...Read More...

I wrote a long letter to my T once and at the end I thanked her for being such a big part in my healing and for putting up for me ect. I told her that I could tell she really cared and she can't fake that. She actually cried and said it was so nice. Although I wouldn't want my T crying uncontrollably ALL the time... I see nothing wrong with her crying during sessions every now and then. She is human.. and I feel that if she cries during a session with me it shows she really cares. Also I...Read More...

I totally relate to this!! And I do have MAJOR transference with my T. I hoped she would be my "MOM" replacement.... And last session I realized that wasn't going to happen. I actually realize that a lot..and it stabs at my heart every time! It makes me wish I was dead..... =( You are not alone --anyone who feels this way.. its very painful and I am sorrrrry. I actually spent most of my life confused. I was sexually attracted to men and emotionally attracted to females.... I really don't...Read More...