it's interesting to read all of your thoughts and experiences with anxiety. welcome, (((LTB))) and thanks for sharing! alas, no, i don't speak Spanish outside of a handful of words. although I can understand it, i don't relate too much with your "brand" of anxiety, but i do appreciate you sharing your experiences and find it interesting to see how it affects people differently. (((kmay))) it's good to see you posting again. I also run when anxious, but i run inside of myself and hide in...Read More...

Thank you LilTeaBag And GG I am glad the ICU analogy soothed you LilTeaBag...it did me too actually. I am working on the emailing. It is good for me. Just have to find the time...after my kids go to bed if I have any energy left! lolRead More...

Hi Anna. Im a new member but ive read your post... What a horrible person your T is. I dont know you but im so angry at him for acting like that and leaving you like this. I hope you can gather strength and find a new T very soon. I hope u are doing ok, please fight and don't let this bring you down (i mean i know it's done already, but please try to come up). Your value has nothing to do with the horrible attitude of that T. You deserve better. Pls give us news...Read More...

Thanks for the nice Welcome i havent properly introduced myself anywhere because i cant seem to be able to post new discussion or add people or pm Shrinklady.. Aaah!! But in the meantime, im here encountering ppl and yes, relating to so many stories! I wish u the best for your new T, hopefully u'll get a good connection. Up until then, yes i can see how it can be difficult and everything takes you a little more on the edge. Just a thought, have you tried singing the song outloud, like trying...Read More...

Monts, I am glad you posted long enough for me to read it - I really appreciated what you wrote and it helped me. Sorry you had to delete and I really understand. SDRead More...

BLT: Thank you. I am petrified at the thought of asking him if he is judging me. I will work on this. You gave me a couple of ideas to get through this and I appreciate this. I am determined not to give up. I believe I can get through this and I appreciate your supportive input T. Erica: You truly did not come across as dismissive. Thank you for talking with me about this and sharing your experiences. I know I just have to keep hammering away. He comes back this week and when I think of his...Read More...

TAS - I cracked up with the thermostat. Sorry, not that the tantrum was funny. I'm sorry you were pissed. I was just trying to imagine a T's face after realizing the temp was changed. My T's response was pretty amazing. After he had me say it again, he then told me he felt helpless and was heartbroken and hurting that he had to leave me for so long. He knew I would not be okay and he said he was so sorry. He said he would never want to hurt me and that he cares about me. His response to my...Read More...

I understand these feelings; been there, done that, got a wardrobe full of t-shirts, about to go on a shopping spree again, etc. The way I understand it, and I'm not saying that I particularly do or can when it's me ( ) is that these are parts of ourselves that we find so horrible, so shameful, that we cannot tolerate them. They come from a place of real pain. What I wrote recently in my journal: "I feel calmer again. Like maybe because I saw you tolerating me it means I can tolerate myself...Read More...

(((Eliza))) Thanks for replying, especially from such a unique perspective. Yes, as for the dietary aspect of it, I'm able to become very research/intellectually oriented. In terms of my panic about having to talk about my body or be touched, which I usually dissociate in the moment of the appointment and then collapse afterward, I haven't found a successful strategy yet. I'm already putting myself on as close as I can to what I've read is a "standard" GD diet. I was so borderline on my...Read More...

Hi About, I'm sorry your T is gone again. I, too, have a hard time going back after a break. I've thought about not going back many times because it does hurt so much. I've read from other blogs that sometimes too many breaks is not helpful because how can we entrust ourselves to someone who is always gone? I think how the T handles the breaks is really important, too. I think talking about it before and after can make it easier or harder. My T is gone a lot. It takes a long time for us to...Read More...

((((Anna))))Read More...

Nothing productive to say because I feel brain dead, but if it's useful. Resistance is a tricksy beast and not feeling connected is horrible. xRead More...

I felt this way a lot in the initial throes of ET. I was terrified that my T was experiencing the same apprehension, aversion and confusion that I was - plus the uneasiness of dealing with a client with such intense feelings. Then, one day, this thought just clicked in my brain: It's not the same for him. Because I was opening up a lot of trauma, and investing a lot emotionally in my therapy, my feelings seemed consuming and overwhelming. But for my T, this was just a day at the office. I...Read More...

Hi turtle, I'm so sorry your T is gone so often. It is very hard to become dependent on someone who is gone a lot. And it's hard to think of working with someone else when you work with your current T so well. My T is gone at least one week a month and then some. He's been gone 14 weeks alone this year, with more to come. He does allow text and email, but it's not the same. I never had a back-up T until this summer. He wanted to refer me to someone, but I looked for my own. I called several...Read More...

(((Turtle))) please don't read anything into my silence. Things have been insane in my life, dealing with some difficult family issues and dealing with six day weeks for several months, then last week I crashed with a truly awful sinus infection which kicked off my asthma. And that was before my left knee gave out and I had to start using a cane (today's session was on the shame that rose up). So I have been doing the occasional flyby and missed that you were posting right now. I am also...Read More...

Another session and I thought I would explode. Well, I sort of did and I yelled for her to stop several times in a row. T. stopped and came over to me and told me she was stopping. I'm very upset. I told her prior to the session how bad I've been hurting and she pushed so hard to my breaking point. I am still a mess from it. Any ideas?Read More...

Sorry...deletedRead More...

I went on a little vacation with my four kids this past weekend. During my 5 hour drive, there and then back, I thought about this some more. Monte, what you say makes sense. I kept thinking about what you said. Then thinking about how I deal with my children. One still says he will live with me forever. Then I thought about what my T said about telling her what I thought I wanted my own mom to tell me....that she would be there whenever I needed her. And, then of course T's reaction was...Read More...

In terms of ramifications - going through the whole process; being convicted, name in paper, having a criminal record - it was a major turning point for me. I became desperate enough to 'go to any lengths' to get better and have a different life. I hadn't been drinking at the time of my offence but had a long history of abusing alcohol - acting out how I did when 'sober' - I knew I need to never risk drinking again. I went to rehab. 3 weeks, and my life changed. I was going to AA meetings...Read More...

That fight/freeze/flee response is very powerful for me. I have even gone to the extreme of asking my T to lock the dead bolt. I have no idea if that is to keep me in the room so I don't run away or so no one else can come in when we are intensely processing information. Whatever the reason, I think it helps calm me down to some extent.Read More...

Nannabee, Thank you for your reply. It is so helpful to know I am not alone in this. I have the same dreams over and over too. Yes, the sense memories are strong too. I am working at allowing myself to know it was real too so I can work through it.Read More...

Hi Monte... yes T got some good stars in the book and yesterda he got a few more. Things have been good. Difficult but good. Hi Becca... I hope you had a great vacation. That is very sweet of you to want me to succeed so much in therapy. I realize that I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful T. He may not be a great T for everyone as he is challenging and tough and expects a lot but he is a great match for me. I needed someone who is strong and very clear about what he thinks. And I do...Read More...

First, I'm so glad you're determined not to make yourself responsible for the wrong things your family did to you. I've looked into the descriptions of attachment styles, too, as I'm a dismissive type, according to T. (otherwise known as omnipotent denial). I think you could determine better than anyone, which category most describes you, just by thinking of how you are with people. But, again, it's complex and people can be mixtures of styles.Read More...

T said to me that the reason I can't ask anyone to do anything for me is because it reminds,subconsciously, of when the answer "no" was life threatening, back when I was little and dependent on caregivers.Read More...

I just recently "confessed" my transference feelings for T. It was so scary my muscles tensed up until I was nearly paralyzed. So embarrassing knowing she was waiting for me to get up the nerve. But she was so accepting and reassuring. You mentioned your T knew you had something important on your mind you couldn't say. T is smart. I'm so glad my T kept after me in little ways, not letting me off the hook for long, but gentle about it. I'm so relieved now, as if a milestone has been reached.Read More...