why do i always start every post with 'WOW'?? but, WOW, such great stuff LL and Jones. LL, yes, you got it, it is how i adapt at trying to be liked, for me, a selfish goal to avoid pain, rather than the alruistic light i had thought it to be, maybe a little of both, but definitely the purpose of the chameleon is multi-dimensional. and Jones, i guess i came on the board in a period of greater activity and more posters, and feel a bit relieved to hear you say that, as i am just marveling at...Read More...

Draggers...I just wanted to say, ooooh, please don't torture yourslef with thinking about leaving your T right now, either...like it was said, it is another worry for another day...a looong way off, so why be scared about it now...when you are ready, well, you won't be scared, horrified, or miserable in the way it might seem like you would now, when you are not ready for such a step, true? ((((Draggers))))Read More...

thank you so much for the feedback and encouragement. It's stuck in my mind (in a very good way) as I have tried to process this more and sit with it. I actually dared to talk about how I was feeling about my T with my T today. Although she is somewhat baffled about the changes in me, and what I am feeling, she was very accepting and kind. Which of course kinda weirded me out more. We talked about the eq T, and letting myself just feel ok. My T reminded me that if things get scary again, I...Read More...

p.s. I did have an appointment with my T today -I did talk about my old T, and that by itself was a huge thing for me, but I couldn’t get the courage to quite say this. almost. words can be very hard for me to litterally speak if the subject is really close to my heart and emotional for me. I told her that at my appointment this next tuesday, there’s something really specific I have to talk to her about. I feel a lot more encouraged to talk with her about it after reading your responses. It...Read More...

Hi Echo, I suspect it's not really about you, it's about other people's inability to face pain. One of the more painful things I've learned over the course of my healing is that there really are very few people who can stay with you when you're in pain. Because it brings them too close to their own buried pain. So instead of being able to hold still and hear you out (which is the most important part, being heard and understood, because as you recognized, you are more than capable of dealing...Read More...

Re: Depression(?)Read More...

FOT, You have every right to be angry!! I don't remember where you live but in NY state what your Ps office did would actually be a violation of the law. At a minimum, you probably have a pretty good basis for a civil law suit. I do think it's a breech of ethics that your privacy is being treated so cavailerly. Confidentiality is important in any medical field, but doubly so in a psychiatric practice. I understand forgiving it the first time it happened. Everyone is human and mistakes...Read More...

Thanks all!!! I have a really good feeling about this too.Read More...

Aww, you all are so great I'm beside myself. Thanks for the encouragement and support everyone! It helps to have those positive vibes and I hope I can keep them with me on Friday when I'm sitting there scared as ever trying to get out all the stuff I need to get out to my T. I so appreciate this place and what I get here. Too bad my T doesn't really know how great you all are, or I think she would love you guys as much as I do!! I'll be sure to post about it after I have a chance to gather...Read More...

Hey Echo, I'm so glad that you are feeling a little better about your T. I can hear that you still have some reservations about her, but at least she's encouraging you to be open with her about the process. I have to say that I think I would be a little put off if I had to do an "art project" after reading an article. I'm OK at art...not great, just OK, and so I need to feel inspired to do something artsy in order to do it. I wouldn't want to feel obligated to do any sort of art, either. But...Read More...

he illuminated the cause of my problems and helped me to get on the path of faith in God. and for that, i will be eternally grateful. wish he coulda finished it off, but, i dunno, tonight i feel that one day this will all end. in a good way!Read More...

Well said, MTF! I feel the same way about threads I start. Mind if I copy what you said here in "my" threads? Russ, I get how friendships can be confusing...especially with the opposite sex, hey? BBRead More...

LL, I have missed you around here too. I so admire your courage and tenacity in your pursuit of the healing that you deserve. I hope that you can find some light in the darkness that you are feeling. (((((LL)))))) We are here for you when you are ready.Read More...

Wish I could answer you question MH, but I'm more muddled on this one that Monte! I am really struggling because I'm wondering the same things. I have wants that I think are needs, but then I think they're just wants again, and I go back and forth wondering what they really are. I want my T to understand me, and I also think that's a need for me to progress in therapy. But does SHE think it's a need, or only something I want. Does she think it's my husband that needs to understand me, not...Read More...

And about the transference with the female T, I think it is happening a little bit because I had a hard time when she was on vacation for a few weeks and it made it where I couldnt see her for a month and then time I went to the appointment and she wasnt there cause she had a medical emergency I wanted to cry on the way home cause I was so upset. Its nothing sexual at all but I think there is that attachment there at least a little bit that will probably get stronger. I talked to her on the...Read More...

It's so tough knowing that, isn't it? But at least you do know it, because until I finally digested that thought, I was totally content. Or, content in knowing that I have a few screws loose and I keep using the wrong screw driver to put them into place. I so hope that you get something positive out of your session with your ex-T. At the very least, I hope you can get some direction. I have a session with my T on Friday, so I will bring up group therapy then - I'm a little afraid to talk...Read More...

Oh Monte - your words really brought the tears up that is such a powerful image you painted. Rest and peace YES! I so hope you can get over those walls you talk about and find in your T that other who just ‘knows’. It sounds like you already know he can be that for you - it also sounds like you’re getting to the stage where you will be able to breach your own walls. Big hugs to you Monte. And STRM that’s some brave thing of you to do - to accept the presence and comfort of your T in such...Read More...

Thank you, dragonfly and scaredtoriskmyself.Read More...

I think the fact that you already felt supported by this new T is great. I think her offers are quite reasonable and reassuring as well. I completely agree with Kashley and Starfish about the talking on the phone being harder than in person. I also don't like talking to my T on the phone and I get the distinct impression that she does not like it either. I'm happy for you that your first interaction went so well and look forward to hearing how it goes when you start to see her in person.Read More...

Hi Amazon, I can relate to you here: It's awful to feel this way, too. I'm so sorry you're struggling with these feelings. I wish I could help you feel better, but I feel so much of the same thing with my own T right now that I'm not much help to anyone. I think you need to tell your T how you're feeling. Really just be totally honest and open with him. I know how hard that is, because I know that's what I need to do too, I just am too scared to do it. Good luck. ((((((Amazon)))))) MTFRead More...

do let us know how your next session goes. You are not on your own (((((Don'tgiveuponme)))) starfishRead More...

Oooooh! LL here are some (((Hugs))) for you!Read More...

BB I finally made it back to comment properly on your amazing post. Firstly I’m pretty sure that no-one would ever think someone else is ‘overusing’ this forum - I suspect there are times when all of us post like mad for a bit and then sort of back off - besides if everybody got so reticent and scared to say too much what would there be to read? No it’s great that you are posting when you can - I learn so much from reading about your experiences and thoughts. Just had a thought about the not...Read More...

Oh and the other thing is, if I can't bear the silence - sometimes I can and sometimes I can't, I ask a question or just say something, anything(!) to break it. Well she normally realises and lets me off the hook for a while, I have a breather and a rethink, before we go back to where we were... usually then it feels easier. FACT: Ts will always win the 'keep silences longest' game starfishRead More...

My H just called me to say he was going out to buy the shotgun and wouldn't be home when I arrived. OK...I think I'm coming to terms with this just being paranoia. Off topic, I know, but he told me how he came across a family of groundhogs being born and the babies were crawling into our pasture and barns where our livestock are. The were many babies I guess. He beat them to death with a shovel and threw them into the woods. Dont know where the mother is. I know he was just trying to protect...Read More...