that makes more sense to me than you could possibly know! i know some folks aren't too fond of Burgo, but he's got some rather good stuff out there. The Invisible Client if you snoop around, there are a few other posts about wanting/not wanting to be invisible. good stuff, if you ask me. you don't sound like a broken record. it IS hard!! TAS, i do believe most of us here know that you are indeed determined to work through this, and you're doing a great job from what i see! you have already...Read More...

Hi About, Could you email her and tell her you are confused by the communication about appointments? I know it can feel so scary to ask for what you need or want (I find it really difficult). She may be just booked up - most of the time people's behaviour isn't our doing or a reaction to us, however I know what it is like to look for evidence of rejection all the time. Hope you can find a gentle way forward. Most T's want to help and be there for their clients - in amongst their various...Read More...

(((mallard))) thank you I agree. The other thing that stung about the soldier reference is I didn't like him comparing a grown man who may have had healthy resources before trauma, vs. a child growing up in trauma. One thing that I said to T once about the idea of 'picturing yourself before the trauma' I said, "what picture do I look at? An ultrasound?" You are very right that 'choosing to be happy' collapses eventually. (edited to add I don't mean to imply that I had it worse than a...Read More...

Thank you, Lucy. This thread gave me the courage to be straightforward with my T for the first time on this issue, though she has tried to broach it with me--not sure where this will lead, but I am being honest with her. That at least gives her a chance to help me. Thanks, guys.Read More...

Stoppers, I agree that triggering can cause any range of emotions. How I would define it is that I find myself in a set of circumstances that bear enough resemblance to a situation in the past that my unconscious registers danger and goes in to overdrive based more on my experience rather than what is actually going on here and now. ***TW Sexual abusem & gyn details (yes, I see the irony. ) A few years back I went through a solid month of vaginal bleeding and had to have a uterine...Read More...

Well, I talked with my therapist on Thursday, and I feel much better about my struggles. He reminded me of the Circle of Life video that we watched towards the beginning of therapy. It took me a while, but now in retrospect I think I understand the longing feelings I've had when we take a break, or when getting from one week to the next week of therapy seems to take forever. I think this also explains some of the fear and dread I have of termination. What also helped was that my therapist...Read More...

Thank you all for the replies. The new T did end up emailing me the homework assignment eventually, so at least he did follow through. I have decided that perhaps I am sabotaging my work with him before it has begun because truthfully I cannot afford to go to him even though I would really like to do the work with him in addition to my work with regular T and nutritionist. So perhaps and I am picking him apart to make it easier in my mind to chose not go. Not sure if that makes any sense. in...Read More...

Thanks guys I guess I should fill in some info of what made it feel hurtful, I didn't express it all very well... one thing that made it feel like an angry comment is that it is so cold here that no one is able to leave their animals outside now. So that made the comment feel like it was intended to make me feel guilty just because the nature of leaving them outside only held the possibilities of being a joke or sarcasm. My history was filled with comments to make me feel guilty and that's...Read More...

Hollow, I think you are okay and he is not kicking you out. I think he is being very attuned to you and your letter by wanting to read and re-read it to make sure he understands. I read the letter and I think a good therapist like yours would really think you did good work in writing it.Read More...

(((hollow))) Thank you, and I hope you start feeling better too, it is really hard to be in that place. Hostage to my mind is a perfect way to describe it. And you're right that when good things are triggering it feels like more than a person should have to take (((jillann))) You are SO insightful about that, I don't know why I took that off my radar of things to consider... I think part of me has just wanted to discredit how much influence medication has played in my moods. I haven't...Read More...

SB, I plan to print this out and keep a copy--thanks!!Read More...

Hi Liese! I've missed you all as well! I haven't had a lot of time to check in here lately but I do think of you all often. How are you? So funny that you were just thinking of me and then here I appear and post. life is so strange that way! xoxo LGRead More...

CD, this is so hard! My way of approaching it was to write about it and give those writings to my T to read. I would sometimes just mention my struggles in relation to her obliquely in my writing, but she always paid attention to that and will say something like, "You're struggling with our relationship." I'll say "Yeah" while wanting to crawl into a hole, and we'll talk about it a bit. So, that is an idea--you could write about it and give or send that to her, maybe. Worked for me, anyway.Read More...

thank you everyone for your responses and food for thought - and for understanding! sapphire blue, i'll look that film up, a comedy sounds good, and i can appreciate british humour what is the line, or do i have to watch the film to really get it? and thanks for understanding! its strange that even though it's risky like you say, i seem to get more comfort from hoping even though i know there is the risk of disappointment (but maybe that is not fully felt as i concentrate on the hope part)...Read More...

Trauma is not always abuse, even though that is the typical connotation. Trauma is simply absence of a necessary condition for developmental progress. If you were abused, your need for safety, acceptance, and protection was compromised. If you were not able to socialize because of anxiety or illness, your need for developmental interpersonal experiences were not met. If you were not trusted to take care of yourself, your needs to develop independence were not met. The real question is what...Read More...

Hi Mallard, yeah - rubbish at asking for help. I'm not keen on anyone knowing I'm struggling - although I did lean, carefully and briefly, on a friend this week (it is progress!!!) I think maybe I could get some measure of acceptance for achievements - as it made my mother look good... but ultimately I think it also made her jealous? confusing really. I never feel 'good enough' - despite the evidence that I am just fine. My degree classification will get me on a phd program - which is what I...Read More...

Tom, Thanks for that information. It was very valuable.Read More...

((((MALLARD)))) Wow. What a great way to visualize it. I am just starting to recognize that I don't have to accept the "gift" but I'm sure I will be and have been less than gracious with other things. This stuff is hard for just about everyone not matter how you look at it. Dealing with the person directly first sounds like a solid rule. Otherwise, things can get really out of control. My boss told me yesterday that she has also had some difficult dealings with this woman. My biggest fear...Read More...

Hi, TAS. I just wanted to respond mostly to say that I totally get how all-consuming volleyball is! My DD plays. I can no longer play competitively due to my shoulder. I love it, but sheesh! It's intense! Also, the way your working through this sounds really positive to me. And I also want to take a step back and just tell you how much respect I have for you digging in and staying with this. I know how much you have struggled, and you've been missed on the OF. It's good to have you back but...Read More...

Lucy and HIC thank you so much for sharing! ...Read More...

Thank you TheShins. I will definitely be calling another Therapist to sort this out Thank you for sharing your experience. I know what you mean about feeling crazy seeing a consult T to discuss feelings with current T. The thought has crossed my mind a time or two. But, I need to get some things remedied if I am going to move forward with current T. Thank you once again. I haven't seen you on the boards before...I have been away for a bit, but welcome! All the best, T.Read More...

So glad you are getting past this, Pinky, and what a cautionary tale for those of us who long for closer relationships with our Ts. What an amazing book your story would make. And, yes, your former T's declarations of love sounded creepy! My best to you as you continue to move forward. :-)Read More...

Re: My Amazing T by SomedaysRead More...

HIC, Wow!!! I think this is almost giving me courage to be more forthright too!! Thank you for sharing this--I loved reading it. :-)Read More...

((Anna)) Maybe it is a good time to evaluate where you are with your T and revisit goals and objectives?Read More...