I'm really happy Jillann that your hubby was so supportive. And I'm relieved to hear that you will be going in soon. It's a brave step you're taking. It's absolutely awful that your father had you dieting so young and I'm very sorry you went through that. I can't tell you enough how often I wish I didn't take my ED so far. How much I wish I took advantage of the help that was offered to me before I did any damage. Yes, please keep us updated - I'll be thinking about youRead More...

I had anger so deep that I would get anxiety overload and end up in the hospital if I tried to hold the anger in. What helped to get it purged was two main things. I would go out in the car with a pillow and scream rage into the pillow. Like a baby screams until he turns purple! Also, I would stack up a pile of newspapers and beat on them with a stick while screaming rage. Several times a day for a month. It gradually subsided and don't have to do that now. It was important not to draw...Read More...

thanks for your wisdom ((((morgs)))). it's all just oozing out, you know?Read More...

Anna, I think post from What a Shrink Thinks might shed some light and give you insight into how you are feeling. what a shrink thinks: What You Pay For AGRead More...

I also read the blog Athenicus mentioned. Everyone should read it! on the details of how the Transference dependency is sensitively worked out!!! It is by Dr. Jeffrey Smith and title is "Attachment to Your Therapist 1V"Read More...

Thank you, Heart. I'm determined not to let this get in the way...stuff can happen. But I did say this to T: "If I were a millionaire, I'll bet this establishment could manage to make my appointments more predictable" He, he, he. Didn't go over so well, but helped me to say it anyway.Read More...

(((morgs))) As I read your post I had an aha moment... I'm still in small amounts of contact with my mom, but completely cut off contact from my dad. Maybe that has something to do with it? Maybe she's still filling that spot in my mind, even though there's no emotional connection...Read More...

Hi all, Thanks for the responses and support. Since October's email to her I had to start making LOTS of changes/undoing lots of things that had been changed since 2010. -my own bank account (I got her name put on mine in 2011 because I was going back for another surgery and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time...thankfully I can now see the big picture) -my own vehicle (we shared 2 and after getting my email she demanded the 1 back within a month, I thankfully got my own vehicle...Read More...

(((AG))) You have such a clear grasp on explaining this stuff, thank you for posting! It makes sense that this is a pretty complex reaction, and would be unique to each person's experience. I really do identify with the idea of having an internal filter that I relate to others through, and it being magnified in therapy. And I am very grateful to know that these patterns can change, that's a relief!! (((monte))) I'm sorry to hear how much you've been through It really makes sense how you...Read More...

I love the replies...they definitely get me to think, outside of my point of view. I think if someone understands they should KNOW me. They should know what I feel and what I think. I think this is somewhat unrealistic and this is part of the reason I asked the question to read and take in another's idea of what it means. I liked the idea of understanding another is a process. It takes time and it is done in increments. I also like how someone said it is about being heard. I tend to think if...Read More...

Thanks Pengs I think what worries me most is that she isn't bothered when I suddenly say I've stopped feeling anything, or that I'm blank emotionally. She just says its 'normal' that it is 'self protection' and encourages me to go on. I guess really at that point I want to stop, get grounded, try to find why I'm numb, stay with it? And too often I only notice I'm in that place when I notice its time to go. I will try to voice this on Friday. SBRead More...

TRIGGER WARNING This will tell you what questions relate to each characteristic being tested. It might be triggering. It won't give you a score though. Validity Scales Defensiveness Scale Mean: 10.0 Cutoff Score: 100.0 0 1. (0) While watching TV, you find that you are thinking about something else. 0 10 (0) Forgetting errands that you had planned to do. 0 33. (0) While reading, you find that you are thinking about something else. 0 65. (0) Being impulsive. 0 87. (0) Not being able to...Read More...

((Cogs, Sakajawea, and SP)) Thanks so much for the response. Yes each of your interpretations now help his comment make sense. I was hung up on analytic fallacy. I couldn't figure out what he meant by that. Yes I know I am wrong inside. I have been flawed since the day I was born. I try really hard but have never quite gotten to the point where I can truly just be happy with who I am. I'm really down this morning, sorry. Thanks for helping me understand. And SP - love your attitude toward...Read More...

((((RM)))) Sorry this was all so triggery.Read More...

((((RM)))) Yes, I would do that too! ((((EME)))) That was so insightful. I too have thought of my T as the perfect T and that certainly hasn't helped with my tendency to idealize others and devalue myself. I do think it would be a much healthier and realistic attachment if we got to see the human side of them sometimes. It would have to be at the right time and in the right doses because I might then tend to devalue him as well. I did need to have confidence in him and think he was put...Read More...

(((Tas)))This does sound so painful. My experience is that T relationships are painful too. My new T says it's a traumatic attachment and that's why it's like that. But get this now she is running a group I am in. She just took over and everyone else in there is her client too and no matter how hard I try I feel so damn jealous when she gives them attention. Particularly this one woman who sits with her head down the whole time and acts all angry to be there and my T puts her arms around her...Read More...

(((EME))) Wow, I hadn't even thought about it like that, that it was a huge leap I took but you could be onto something there. I mean, I guess if I showed T everything, just how gross I am inside and he still doesn't reject me, I can see how that would be very beneficial. I see him tomorrow and I'm worried that he won't want to work with me anymore because I sent him an email a couple of days ago. He told me he'd read by Monday. I know I'm pulling him into an enactment but I can't seem to...Read More...

((MISSI)) What you're experiencing is not unusual. Clamming up seems like a common issue a lot of us have experienced. When I first started Therapy less than a year ago, I had to write down everything I wanted to talk about, and I just handed it to my T. Keep a copy for yourself in case you only get through the first one or two, and than you can bring your copy to the next session and will continue talking about each issue. He seemed pleased that I took a little time just to jot down a few...Read More...

hey forlorn, its so nice to see you! thanks for the hugs and how are you doing? puppetRead More...

(((SUMMER))))((((MONTE))))(((TN))) I often think this too. Then I think, "and then I will no longer care about T." It makes me sad. Yes, it is a weird relationship. TN is onto something though. When I think of my 6 year old and how she used to be when I left. Even if I was happy to be leaving the house, I never let her know that. I gave her a big hug and told her I'd miss her too. I didn't laugh and tell her what fun I was going to have wherever I was going. That's what's hard about the...Read More...

(((athenacus))) Ouch, that sounds rough!! I would have a really hard time with that, especially after feeling that thoughts had just become in the moment prior to seeing her. Small communities definitely have drawbacksRead More...

SP, I also cannot make eye contact with my T, not even to say hello or goodbye. I just can't make myself. I have a few reasons why I find eye contact hard with my T, one is that eye contact can sometimes make me instantly cry (and since I'm terrified of crying in front of her, I'm also scared of this), two is that I can find it triggering, and three I can find it threatening (not by this T I have now, but by past T's and other people). I haven't struggled with my T touching me because she...Read More...

I think you have every right to ask that question, and as often as you like. If he turns it back and asks you the same, I suppose if you feel comfortable you could answer. Then say, 'now your turn' If not you may be able to just explain that you would like to hear his perspective without feeling pressured to share yours. Personally I feel there is no reason why a T wouldn't share that.Read More...

(((Draggers))) Ahhh your loving post made me feel warm. Thank you. - Yes, this is what she tells me too...and then I feel lol I keep trying to muster up the courage to talk with her about it. So far I have just run. Very far. Have not confirmed my next appointment. I have gone down hill, haven't I? Was looking back at some old posts of mine and I sounded much healthier then. I suppose the fact that I quit therapy and have been floundering about ever since might have a small something to do...Read More...

Well, it is American in origin. It is a 20 week programme run by a psychologist x2 and a community psychiatrict nurse that helps you to "rewire" your thinking, take notice of your emotions, and take back control of your life. It is very interesting. I am part of a small group that meet regularly, currently on week 9. I am unable to do much of the homework due to the home situation but I do take it in and think about it. It is a journey of discovery. It is not a therapy session so we dont...Read More...