quote:

Originally posted by True North:
The issue becomes a problem when the T is inconsistent which then leads the patient to feel insecure and unsafe in the relationship.

I wish all T's could get this, mine included.

I recently fell apart and raged at my T after she failed (again) to respond to several of my texts. I told her I hated her and would never trust her again (yes it was a tantrum).

We have an agreement that she will respond to my texts during the week, but during the weekend she will not. Well, after my 5th text during the week with no response, my anxiety had intensified since I text with the expectation of receiving a reassuring response. Then she finally responded with a snotty attitude, "BTW, I work all day; can't answer texts" --even though she has responded to me during the day many, many times in the past. WTF?

In the session following, T said she doesn't know how to keep from hurting me with texting because her life isn't consistent and she can't always respond right away. She went on about not having time in her morning routine, and not having time during her workday either unless a client cancels or she has an unfilled opening. Then she complained that she needed to devote her time to her H at night because he's retired and waits 12 hours all day long to see her for an hour or two at night, and he is her first priority, and he has asked her repeatedly, "Honey, can we just not text?"

But I can't help but hope that she will, if it is even a remote possibility. And usually she does. But when she doesn't, it really throws me.

So I thought about it for a few days, because T had asked me to think about how we could fix this problem from reoccurring. The fact is my T won't commit to be completely consistent. She will only "do her best." And I am also faced with feeling guilty about my neediness. Therefore, I tearfully told her I was freeing her from texting me back, ever, and to please not write back anymore because I couldn't help being hurt whenever she didn't so I just didn't want to be able to hope for it anymore. I also said that though I would not expect replies, I probably would continue to text her, though I would work towards eventually not texting her too.

Guess what my T's response was? She texted me back anyway. She said, "I hope you will rethink this. I don't want to not hear from you. We just need to figure it out, k?"

She sent me another one a few days later.

Then today I went to another session and she acted again like the decision was up to me, but that she thought my black and white approach would be detrimental because in the past I have benefited by communicating things via text that I have a hard time introducing when in person, but which were things we've ended up discussing in follow-up to the texting and it has been a good thing. Which is a valid point. I know that if we cease texting then I will grow more distant from her and open up less.

It feels so complicated.