Hey Tas -

I'm going to see if I can write up my personal guidelines on this. It's a great question, because a triggery T-relationship CAN be either helpful or harmful (or sometimes a mix of both).

Signs that the relationship is helpful:

-T accepts all your feelings. May sometimes challenge your understanding or expression of feelings, but without shaming or blaming (tricky part: clients sometimes feel shame and blame that appears to come from the T, but is their own).

- This doesn't mean T accepts all expressions of feelings. There may be limits on destructive behaviour, abusive language, unrelenting blaming, disruption of sessions, etc. Limits are clear, consistent and subject to communication for mutual understanding (though they may not always be spelled out in advance).

- T finds ways to express care, despite the charge and challenges of the relationship. May not always be direct/verbal (tricky part: clients sometimes struggle to recognise/absorb expressions of care. T should be committed to working towards this with you).

-T works together with client to heal and learn from ruptures. Takes responsibility for their part in ruptures.

Signs that the relationship is harmful:

-T rules out some of the client's feelings (not just particular expressions of them), makes them unwelcome one way or another.

- T's self-serving feelings and needs are in the room. Tricky part: T may helpfully express feelings and needs that serve the client and relationship (e.g. need to hold boundaries, feelings that offer helpful feedback on client's process).

- T is emotionally unpredictable or labile. Their feelings/reactions are bigger than the client's.

-T is unwilling to repair ruptures. Is blaming, angry, resentful, punishing, 'owed' something, deceitful, defensive and/or avoidant about the rupture. Tricky part: some of these reactions may briefly emerge in the rupture even from a helpful T. They should not emerge often, and should be repaired quickly as the rupture is repaired.