I don't know that my response will be much help to you, as my relationship with my T isn't 'ideal' by most standards and I know you've been alarmed by several things that my T has said or done. However, our relationship is getting better, stronger, closer, and I feel that things are moving in a more positive direction finally as ruptures are repaired and my T is doing her best to understand me and my sensitivity to her. I'm not an easy one to deal with!
She's not experienced with my kind of attachment issues, although she cares and is doing her best to help me how she can. I'm going to try to answer all of your individual questions, so bear with me. quote:what is it that makes you start feeling that way about your T
For me I've come to realize that I have issues with 'idealizing'. With all the people I've become attached to like I've done with my T, I've started out idealizing them, admiring their positive qualities, traits, characterstics, etc. They have something(s) about them that appeals to me, that seems above and beyond what I see as ordinary, so I put them on a pedestal. It's all down hill from there. They always fall off of course, but that is what starts me down the attachment road.
quote:when did you realize it, what led up to it, did you anticipate it, did you feel ok about it
I had a session early in December where my T was getting me ready to start some EMDR. She wanted me to identify some targets. She told me to start going back through my childhood and listing in a notebook anything traumatic that I could remember, and she made sure to emphasize that she wanted me to write down even things that seemed like little traumas because she said a lot of little "t's" could make a big "T". I think that was a huge turning point for me because until then I was afraid of her judging my stuff as being ALL just a bunch of "little t's", because she has that 'Put on your big girl panties and deal with it' sign in her office. That sign lost a lot of it's meaning for me that day, and she took on a different role suddenly. Kinda weird.
Things changed almost in that moment, but I didn't realize it until I got home. I'd started reading the chapter she'd assigned me to read from the book we were going through and I had a question I wanted to ask her and realized that I had to wait a whole month through the Christmas holidays until my next session in January. That set me spinning. Then I went to the phone directory and looked up her name and found her home phone number and home address! 
Didn't expect that a T would have that sort of info listed in a public directory!! Then I got on Google and plugged in her address and looked on Google maps and went to street view and was looking at her house! That was when it hit me that I was having some real issues that weren't normal. 
I had a full on panic attack right there at the computer. My first! I had just been through an emotional attachment to my neighbor (my male physical therapist) and was still recovering from the pain of all that, so I felt like I had literally jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. It was horrible. I had not anticipated an attachment to my T, not even considered it as a possibility, let alone a huge probability, so it was definitely not okay with me. And somehow I 'knew' it wasn't going to be okay with my T either.quote:how did (or does) your T deal with those feelings
It took me 5 days after my panic attack to get up the courage to call my T and tell her I had attachment issues with her now. Her response was, "Hmmmm."
Kind of sounded like, "Oh great!! Now what am I going to do???!!!" Then she told me she was booked for the rest of the month! She said she was going to come in one day after Christmas and offered me my choice of appointment times as she hadn't scheduled any yet. That was three weeks out. That was it. No questions, no attempt to normalize my attachment issues as somewhat normal given the therapeutic relationship, nothing! Those 3 weeks were hell as I struggled to figure out what the attachment was all about, where it was coming from, why I was doing it, etc. I felt like I had just ruined my relationship with my T. I was sure she hated me and that I needed to 'repair' the relationship. It was awful. That session was hard. She acted very distant and withdrawn for a lot of it until I told her what I had figured out about myself and she realized it wasn't just about her. She emphasized that my issues were about primary relationships, not her. That hurt, but it's true in many ways. She didn't handle it very well, to be sure. But I have learned since then that she is not experienced in my kind of attachment issues, has issues of her own with being 'idealized' or put on a pedestal (and I can't blame her, but she is a T and should know how to deal with this sort of thing better than she does) and we have worked through some stuff that has helped me feel a lot better about my attachment to her and her acceptance of that attachment.quote:do you sense that it’s not ‘real’ at all or that it’s actually your own needs being projected (that’s a big one for me), and generally whether it’s a good thing or a problem
As time has gone by and I've had a lot of time to think about all of this attachment stuff, I have come to to believe that it is both real and also my needs being projected. I truly care deeply for my T, independent of my needs for love, acceptance, etc. She is a unique person who has selflessly given to me more than she has been obligated to give me because of her job. I sense genuine caring from this woman who really doesn't 'owe' me more than the hour of time she gives me, yet I feel more from her than that 'obligation'. I'm sure from my previous many posts that you know I've had a lot of issues with my attachment to my T, but as I have opened up to her and been honest with her instead of trying to hide things and take care of her feelings first (which is something I'm realizing I can't do if I want to make any progress) I have begun to see some real positive changes in how I feel about my attachment to my T. She has been so much more willing to work through this stuff since she realized how big an issues it is for me, and I'm beginning to see that some of my perceptions of her were wrong. Our communication with each other is more open and I'm trusting her more and she's probing me for emotional responses(which she's not done before). Things are different in a good way, and I feel like they'll only keep getting better.
I hope that none of that made you panic.
My story isn't what I would consider 'normal'. My T is not the usual sort of T. She is all CBT and psychodynamic isn't her thing. I think if you are leaning towards the latter you will find what you need, and if I search for a T again in the future I will go psychodynamic all the way. I had no idea what I was getting myself into! We are working on it and my T is trying her best to help me, and that is what matters! I agree with what everyone else has said. Attachment is a frightening thing to think about, but it really is crucial to good therapy. Good to hear you have hopefully found yourself a new T! 
Best of luck, LL! Keep us posted.Hugs ((((LL))))
MTF