quote:

And asking anyone for anything that fulfills my needs - puts me in a state of panic! So, I just portray myself as someone who has it all together and has no needs. My insides definitely do not match my outside. And now my insides are screaming to get out and I am scared.

Hmmm... (followed by one long thought process) I do this so well that I don't even realize I'm doing it. I have been severely depressed for months but when you spend your time making people laugh or living a big facade, most people really can't see anything different. I am finding out I have my T fooled pretty good thinking that I am doing better than I actually am. I don't get that. How does she not know? I thought I have been very forthcoming with her, but when I talked to her yesterday she was taken by surprise when I told her how completely nonfunctioning I have been for several weeks now. She's like "I've been aware that you've experienced ebbs and flows but I didn't know it was this bad." I think I learned to say just enough to people to satisfy their inclination that "yes, something is wrong," but not allow them to see the true depth of my pain and misery so I wouldn't retain the focus of toomuch attention. I thought I was communicating with my T better than that though. That's the weird part and almost scary. I think I am afraid to sound weak, if people only knew how bad I really feel inside they would shake their heads, they couldn't contain it. I'm afraid if they knew I really would be wearing a white coat.

Yesterday I talked with 2 friends and they both said something similar, "I can see that you seem sad or down sometimes but then you start laughing and saying funny things and I think 'Oh, she's fine.'" No matter how hard I try I can't seem to communicate what I need to. I always wrap it up so neatly in a pretty little package with ribbons and bows that it's hard for people to understand. Even my T. And I'm not mad at her for that. I completely acknowledge that it is 'what I do' though I wish I didn't.

I attempted suicide when I was 15 years old. Before and after I tried to get people to hear me. I tried to communicate yet I was afraid to speak up. It felt like someone always had their hand over my mouth. What a conflict that has always been. And I also learned to speak very softly. Some people can't hear me and most people won't ask for me to speak up and so it's easy to get ignored when you do try to speak. It's easy to slip back into a corner when no one can you hear you anyway. Until I say something funny and have a room filled with laughter which reinforces my need to make people laugh, and keeps the attention away from the pain I am really feeling. I guess I learned that's what people really want so that's what I do. That's waht people expect from me. Yes they notice I seem sad, "but give her a minute she'll snap out of it." That's the biggest joke of all and it isn't even funny.

JM