quote:

Yesterday I talked with 2 friends and they both said something similar, "I can see that you seem sad or down sometimes but then you start laughing and saying funny things and I think 'Oh, she's fine.'" No matter how hard I try I can't seem to communicate what I need to. I always wrap it up so neatly in a pretty little package with ribbons and bows that it's hard for people to understand. Even my T. And I'm not mad at her for that. I completely acknowledge that it is 'what I do' though I wish I didn't.

JM, I also think that people who care about us _want_ to think that we're okay, that everything's okay, so they take indicators that we can throw out there - what Tfella called for me "mixed messages" - and see mostly the ones they want. Or they weight them all equally, the indicators of good and those of not-good, when in fact the indicators of good are just our ways of lightening up the dark we're in.

The one blogger I really admire for how she manages to light up the dark with humor while still clearly expressing how very bad stuff is is "Secret Life of a Manic Depressive". I started reading her blog at (what is now) the bottom of Page 2. Warning: blog uses profanity, describes her situation (which is Not Awesome) in a fair bit of detail, and ...well, and she's also what I think is hysterically funny. But she's what I thought of, JM, when you talked about using humor and people not getting that you weren't okay. 'Cause I seem to do that, too. And she does it, but it's clear when she's not okay.

Anyways. I just wanted to add that I, and we, hear you. And we're listening.