JM, could it also be a little of "fake it until you make it" kind of thinking? If I act happy and make others happy then maybe I will BE happy? I know that this works for some things but unfortunately it is not very effective on depression.

Growing up I had to perfect becoming invisible in order to survive. It was my only protection from my sister's abuse. Later it was my protection from making an ass out of myself through high school and college. Now I use it for a "nothing gained than nothing to lose" kind of rational. I have forced myself out of my shell in attempts to be social and make friends but it not me. It is a me that I think people will be more comfortable with and will like more than the real me. Even with my good friends I try to not show my sadness and negativity all of the time - I am so afraid that they will get sick of me and stop wanting to be around me. I work hard to focus on them and their "stuff" and only reveal my stuff to the same level as theirs. Very few people know I am in therapy and even fewer have been in therapy themselves and so most people I am friends with have no idea what therapy is really like - how hard it is.

Managing all of this takes an incredible amount of energy and leaves me so exhausted that sometimes I would rather just be alone so that I can just be myself. I live in a catch-22: I desperately want friends and to not be lonely but in order to maintain friendships I exhaust myself hiding half of who I am so then it feels easier to be alone. Sucks, don't it? A nice perfect trap of my own creation that keeps me alone, invisible, and miserable.

I think most of us here are excellent at this - being someone outside that we are not inside. It is how we survived growing up. It is how we protect our softest most vulnerable parts now. I try to remember that everyone is afraid and are trying to protect themselves from pain too. They may not seem scared but they might just be good actors too. Our T's are literally pros at this: showing us a person on the outside that could be far from who they are on the inside. With all the hiding and pretending going on it is a very rare person indeed that has no fear to completely expose themselves to the world and live a fully authentic life. Sure, that may be our goal but I can only think of one person who has for the most part achieved this and you know what - I find him incredibly hard to talk to. He is one of my good friend's husbands and since he really doesn't care what anyone thinks of him he doesn't try to relate to other people much or work on his "people skills." I don't know if this makes since but not every authentic person is someone to whom people naturally love and gravitate towards. Some level of dysfunction can actually make us more understandable and relate-able to others.

Hmmm... well, I guess I am through rambling now. Reading over this post I see I started in one place and ended in quite another. Thank goodness I am not getting graded on this!