quote:

Somehow I believe if they really knew how bad things were they'd have to leave or I'd suddenly be the center of attention and that makes me uncomfortable. But if I becpme the center of attention by making people laugh just long enough that they feel it's safe enough to look the other way again, then I can go back into hiding.

JM
This is not the least bit confusing to me. It describes how I live my life! I think it is my responsibility to make people laugh. And I mean really laugh! And if I can make a joke about myself before someone else does, then I think I am safe. I feel pressured (and it is myself applying the pressure) at lunch time at work to entertain everyone. But in my head I am thinking, "If they only knew, they would never recognize the inner me." I'm afraid that I would be letting those around me down, if I were to outwardly show what is inside me. After all, why would they want to know or care what's in my head? My T would go crazy over that statement! Well, maybe not crazy, but at least disagree with me. She says that I have placed standards on myself that are really high, and that I don't place those standards on anyone else. I need to learn that it is ok for things to be "good enough."

It is not jibberish JM.

PL