Not sure how you feel about pets but my dog died in my arms a few years back. I was very close to her. She was with me as I was growing up emotionally but she died just as I was "waking up". I can only imagine what it must have been like for you.
Silence is a killer particularly when the connection feels so weak and we have little to sustain us.
Do you feel a connection to her spiritually?
Shrinklady