hello again..

I did not post much yesterday due to the pain I was in from my surgery...

Today I have read the posts on this forum and saw a few things I wanted to reply to...

Deb I'm wondering if you may have a bit of borderline personality? I do know that fear of abandonment (real or imagined) is a big factor in it.. I myself have this fear...

As a child I was abused by many people, I came to hate my mother for not protecting me and I came to hate.. other people, those who perpetrated the acts...

As I grew older I became bitter and hurtful, pushing people away in every way possible. My father, though physically abusive in my childhood, moved away when I was 11.. perhaps my first sense of abandonment. After that, when I began to push people away of my own accord, I felt that I lost everyone. To this day I have repeated a vicious cycle of being unable to trust people.. I love them for a time and then I run away because I cannot handle the emotion or the distrust, the fear, the loss, the anger and resentment that I feel....

I have bounced from place to place all of my life... I've lived probably 20 different places or more. As a youth and young adult, leaving places wasn't my decision - my mother kicked me out, then my father did, then my brother did, then I lost my apartment due to unable to pay the bills, etc... then following that I tended to hurt people emotionally to the point where I was forced to leave them as well.

My life is a series of instabilities. I am a mother of two, a 3 1/2 year old and a 17 month old. My oldest lives with my mother, she took him from me... long story.

I'm rambling and I'm telling too much at one time, but I felt the need to collaborate since we are all talking about things such as this.


Shrinklady & Deb.. cannot imagine losing someone so close in such a way (a pet, a parent)... I feel for you both!!!!