I know he has really tried but I can not keep getting disappointed and then be expected to know how to handle it, because I am not equipped to handle the disappointment. It's too overwhelming to even feel it, then it's too overwhelming to be vulnerable. I can't keep using him as the punching bag because I don't know how to handle it...then I basically tell him I hate him and never want to see him again, because he was human and honestly forgot.
This is painful. Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I hope you are doing well. When I struggle during the upcoming weeks, I will reread your words for encouragement.
BLT: Thank you and I know you are absolutely spot on with the underlying feelings this is bringing up. It's as if I am scratching my head and saying, "I did everything right. How did this happen? HOW?"
It doesn't make sense to me. I have some time to think about this but I know I can't keep experiencing disappoint. It devastates me every single time. It's as if my soul is crushed and no matter what, the person who failed me is the enemy.
Thank you for your reply. I will be referring back to it during the coming days
Liese: He does know how incredibly difficult it is for me to be vulnerable and he is being sensitive to this difficulty. He doesn't baby or coddle me (which I am extremely grateful for), but yes, he is aware. Sometimes I think he is the best person for me, other times, I don't know how I ended up with him. I am sure you understand the two sidedness of this thinking.
SD: I am so sorry this resonates with you on such a personal level. I truly understand on a gut level the kind of pain this involves. Thank you for your encouragement and I am trying to do something different, I just get so discouraged and really don't understand the point anymore.
ElizaJ: Thank you for your kind words
He doesn't allow e-mail either. He is very strict with his boundaries and it's just the way it is...believe me, I have tried to change this...but he is firm. This is a very challenging time and something I honestly did not expect to happen. I am completely caught off guard. GG: Thank you for replying, especially since it is a painful area for you as well. Very thoughtful
SB: THANK YOU!
Affinity: Thank you. Yes, I certainly want to run away. It's probably good there is a two week break because I never want to see him ever again. I did take a risk and the same thing just keeps happening, it seems. This is what is so discouraging. I am trying so hard, working so hard and no matter what I do to make sure nothing bad happens, the bad happens anyway.
I don't understand this. I truly don't. Thank you for writing and sharing.
Thank you to EVERYONE who wrote and replied, sharing their personal experiences and words of encouragement. I am having to dig deep to stay anchored. The worst part is I saw him at Target yesterday and I swear, it didn't matter anymore to me if he acknowledged me or not. I do not care.
Time will tell,
T.