puppet: she said she will be moving around quite a bit, and realistically only able to check her email about once a week - but due to her moving around, she couldn't guarantee 'what day' - so i am glad that was clarified…
catalyst - i very much relate - my feelings contaminating someone else and 'making' them do something. in my case, i know that is 100% to do with the relationship i had with my mother - i.e. - incredibly toxic and so entrenched i did not knw where i ended and she began
i also struggle with the aspect of 'my T will have such good boundaries i can't make her do anything and she will protect herself' - it triggers something truly AWUL deep deep inside of me - a sense of FUTILITY, hopelessness - i.e. - i don't have any impact on her at all.
dunno if anyone relates to that. i know its old stuff, but its incredibly painful. i suppose i see it in very 'black and white' terms? either someone (i.e. my mother / T) 100% are effected by anything and everything i do (like i was with my mother) or they are not affected AT ALL - and no amount of expressing my pain will ever register because the wall is up (i.e. with my mother - on purpose to manipulate and hurt me - with my T, its preservation / being a good T)
fuck i hate this