Then we started talking and i explained how I was here not knowing if it was the last meeting and explained that I was also seeing what she could offer me in terms of sessions and support. So for the first half hour that was what we talked about and how the other T was telling me what he could offer on Friday.And that I would compare the two. Also he is offering me an indefinite contract.
So then we started talking about how bad it has been these last six sessions. We got back into stuff we disagreed about and fairly soon I was getting really upset and frustrated and so was she, and I kept trying to pull back - she was just being so "No, that was not what I was saying, no I did not resent giving you phone time"etc. And I just kept saying " YOU DID! You said 'phoning you really messed up my day!" " no I didn't" " you did!" She said "sheychen, I am offering you support stepping stones, sessions, times, etc so that you are NOT let down here, I hurt too that we are being forced to end by the set up here, HEAR me," and I wailed with the sheer not knowing whether to believe her or not and she was also reaching sheer frustration, so I said
"Please can I hold your hand?"
and she was in mid "I don't know why you just can't hear me' so she had to replay what I just said, in her head and she looked at me in astonishment and came and gave me her hand and I took both her hands and shook and shook and we put our foreheads together. I kept saying ' oh god, oh god, oh god' and it was like praying. And she kind of joined in. Saying things like " I am sorry it has been so hard. I am so sorry that it has been hell recently' but I am here and I will set up whatever we can do for you, I am offering that , please hear me. "
And I heard her. And we set up sessions until Xmas, with phone support on Fridays and Mondays and sessions on Wednesdays.
and I told her that the other T, who is a psychologist, and ABOVE her in the hierachy, said he could advise the surgery NOT to terminate my sessions with her, and she said " well, he has not done that" and I said it was because I asked him not to, as I wasn't sure she wanted to continue, and anyway, she was being horrible.
So we are going to work on the littlest ONes, pain, the deep howling pain inside and I have three months and probably the Psychologist can get that extended a bit if we push, and then I can work with him if I need to.
That feels amazing that the whole thing has turned around in one hour. From leaving, to continuing. And at the end, I asked her to hold me, and she did, and I FELT her care. I have not FELT her care since August. I was in torment until now, it is so good to have that feeling back. Phew.
My goodness.
She said she was not going to deny that it has been a difficult few weeks for her too, ( I have been throwing the whole book at her.) and so I felt a bit sorry for her too.
But we ended back to how we were working in August.
Therapy huh, it is certainly not predictable.