So my C rings up, like scheduled, to check in and we talk. I explain that I am not sure that leaving 8 - 9 weeks to work on LittlestOnes pains is enough, and I might be re- traumatized by having to end when I have not worked through either the attachment or the trauma.

She does not say "well, then we shall keep working on it, or ask the psychologist to advise that we need more time with me."

She says, "well, you can look at private therapists and they give first appointments free usually and then you will have more control and more freedom."

I cannot explain how that hurt to hear. Yes, yes, I know, I should just think "That is true" but what happens is I FEEL such pain. Like she is able to talk about passing me on, or me finding someone else like you can talk about which tea you want try next. ( Which 't' you want to try next, quite funny really!)

and it hurt deeply in the centre of my chest and I thought to myself, " Do I really want to start working again with her at depth only for me to get more attached and more hurting and then we have to terminate? And for her it will be that casual, it will, and for me it will be bloody heart rending."

It just seems to awful. It hurts even thinking about it never mind living through it.

So she suggested that we just work on the lack of respect I have for myself when I am in this pain, this raw basic heart pain. And we do that for next 8 weeks.

Like - try and keep it minimal.

So I just don;t know. I find it INCREDIBLY hard to hear another human being that I am attached to deeply, say with no pause or breath, "and you can find yourself another person to work with " etc etc and she can DO that. To her it does not cause pain in the heart. And she does not even sense how utterly pain wretching it is in my heart.

How can I work with someone who is so casual and nonchalant about how much it hurts me to disengage with someone who my smallest and most hurt self is deeply deeply attached to and needs so deeply? How can I keep working with her when she just does not seem to get that?

Maybe because she has never been through this, maybe because she was secure when she grew up. It seems a crime against humanity to be able to walk away from a human being like this, because that is what your job tells you to do.

to me it screams 'travesty of care' but she won't see it like that. For me, it is like if she stuck by me and helped me work through this - it would indeed heal the parts we are trying to heal. But that is exactly what she is not going to do. Stick by me. Care for me no matter what. And that is what that part needs.