thanks Deepfried and butterfly, both of you have given really sane and helpful comments, I would like to post them on my blog, under D and B if that is okay by you.

I shall talk it through with my possible new T today (the psychologist Nick) and see what he thinks. I think the idea of pain minimisation is a good one, - yes, reducing pain is ALWAYS a good idea. I have also just emailed my previous therapist who worked so well with me 22 years ago, see below as I posted it on my blog.

thanks for you help, I shall ponder your replies in more detail as I read them a bit too fast just now.
I write to FirstFinder:

Dear FirstFinder, I am so uncertain of what to do here,
NewFinder phoned this morning for the ten minute stepping stone phone call and we were on for 35 mins which was not me - I kept saying " I have had my ten minutes by now" but she was okay talking.

What I find really REALLY hard FirstFinder, REALLY HARD:

is that she can talk quite calmly about saying how I can look for a private therapist and how we can work for the next 8 weeks on maybe how I don't respect myself for having this small child trauma pain and then I start work with someone else and

I HURT.

I just hurt so much hearing her talk so calmly about how she will end with me and I will find someone else.

It hurts right in the centre of my chest.

And I KNOW you could say "but that is her job" but to me it is like - well I think YOU Know what it is like - for me it is like :

But you are another human being and I have opened up to you and now a part of me is deeply attached to you and in real life the people who were meant to be there for me, weren't when I needed them and proved to be not there later on too, and you are meant to STAY and STICK by me and give me trust in humans again and not feel like ANYONE can walk away from me when they have had enough or cos they just CAN.

I HURT so much hearing her voice say this so calmly.

I want to shout :

THIS IS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can 't just walk away from ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can't!!!!!!!

What the hell am I going to do? I want her to love me like you loved/love me and not treat me like someone who she is ending working with in December no big deal, but treat me like a human being who is hurting and who might need reassurance for a while.

Arghhhhhh,

It hurts so badly.

So I said to her, "NewFinder, I am not sure continuing working with you, cos my littlest self is so attached to you, is a good idea cos I had just gone through a lot of grief of losing you over the last three weeks and had got myself to being able to leave and if we open up more of that littlest self's pain then I shall have to walk away in about 8 weeks time and that will hurt EVEN MORE as I will be EVEN MORE attached to you!"

And she said "well, it is for you to make the decision. ANd maybe you could ask Nick about it this afternoon, when you see him " (Nick is the psychologist.)

Oh FirstFinder, I HAVE to work out a way to help ME here, but the trouble is the part that should do the working out bit is flooded by the hurting bit. So I don;t know what to do.

I shall tell you how it goes with Nick this afternoon, if he has any view on it.

There has always been this possibility that he can strongly advise the surgery to let me continue with NewFinder but when she was talking on the phone, it is so clear that she is very much ending in December in her head, and as she won't be honest about WHO decided I should end, and I feel that she is QUITE COOLY able to just pass me on and say goodbye, should I really try to force her to continue working with me??????

Just cos my littlest self loves her so much and won't let go.

Arghhhh,,

The other option is that I start working with Nick if I can, and see what he can offer this afternoon, I could even maybe get one and half hour sessions with him. Once a week and I don;t know what back up in between. I can negotiate today. I have no idea if he will hold me when I get very distressed, - doubt it. I would give a lot for some holding... sigh.

and then I could suggest that I phase out with NewFinder over the next few weeks and phase in with him.

OR

i take power and a deep plunge and find a private therapist (urgh, like FalseFinder was private - urgh) and I hunt for one for several months til I find someone who can see me on my terms
it would cost about £6,000 over the next two years or so, maybe more.
I have saved about that in an ISA as I don;t have a pension, so I could use that. And I would feel more in control.

I woudl do it if it was for my children. I would not let THEM be so messed about by the NHS.

But at the same time, I quite like Nick. I am sort of prepared to work with him. What do you think? Do you think the 'stigma' of being treated in the mental health services by a clinical psychologist would get me down? Or that at last I am working with someone who knows more about what they are doing??

This is so hard.

Maybe you were TOO good to me, maybe no one else IS that kind and sticks by me like you do, so they will all just be 'therapists' who walk away when they can and I need to feel that I MATTER.

That is really important to me. I feel NewFinder cares - but I don't MATTER to her in the way that I need/want.

it is a lovely day here and I hope you got out in your garden or are supervising the conservatory building.

I will get through this. I know I will. And I will be wonderful when I do.!!

best wishes and love Sheychen