Walk Gently
Walk gently, then, with your frailty; allow it to bless you.
It will not cripple you unless you run from it.
Embrace it instead.
Carry it as one carries the cherished secret of a great wealth
Hidden away in a holy, eternal space
Like a treasure hidden in a field.
Macrina Wiederkehr, ‘A Tree Full Of Angels’


I talked with an old friend, L.E. who is both a Christian, a Buddhist and a psychotherapist and retreat leader and meditation teacher. She is American and visited me about nine years ago. I told her what has been going on.

She had many useful insights.

She said that I have been working with someone who has been experiencing some major counter transference but is unconscious of it. This is why she has been taking my anger and upset personally. I was right, - I FELT that she was reacting to me as though I was not me, but some idea of a person put on me. I am someone from her past. the counsellor is not able to admit that counter transference is not a failing but actually a part of this level of deep work and so she is in denial or defended against looking at this part of herself.

Also, L.E. said that I have psychotic attachment - which fortunately does not mean I am psychotic. It means that I have attached to this counsellor despite the information that I have that she is actually harming me and out of her depth and not actually suitable for me to work at this level of depth. I have such a strong idealisation of her as being warm and kind and loving for me, that I cannot see the reality which is someone who has good intentions but not the skill or depth or strength to deal with what I am bringing to therapy. L.E. thought that I might actually be terribly hurt if I delve into deep inner baby level pain and this counsellor does not know what to do or reacts again. I shall not feel safe nor met. It WILL retraumatize me.

I have been saying that but not believing it.

My wounded child who is attached to her regardless, has in the past gone back to people who hurt and harm her, for a few minutes of kindness and gentleness. I am willing to put up with a lot of pain and anger and confusion for a little kindness and care. This is why I have found that I go back even though it has been awful.

L.E. also said that this counsellor was someone trained in working with conscious processes and my major work now is on my unconscious processes. My unconscious processes are what are brimming over and flowing into the therapeutic space, except the space is not therapeutic anymore because the counsellor cannot handle the paradoxical emotions and entanglements that are so complex in me. And I am out of my depth so with two people out of their depth, there is a lot of confusion.

L.E. also said that this counsellor is often infringing ethical guidelines, especially the way in which she brings her own emotional pain into the therapeutic space and blaming me for her loss of interior boundaries where she gets upset at me that it takes her so long to process what I have told her and how draining that is for her, like reading my blog (which I have asked her not to do now - for obvious reasons!) and she then says how long it took her to process it or how Crisis Friday spoilt her whole day and her interactions with people. that is actually her own internal boundaries going and not something to blame me for. Also she has often been very well meaning and done and offered more than she can handle and later lets out a volley of how she found the emails difficult, the having to phone, the cardigan issue, the time put in for fighting for me when I just complain at her. I did not know what she was doing, I took her at face value, that if she said she would do something but I did not know she would resent it.

L.E. also said that the supervisor was obviously beginning to point out some of the counter transference issues. Also it is strange that the stepping stones have suddenly happened after six sessions of arguing about it and not getting them.

But we have a counsellor who has said "you have too complex issues for me to deal with" which is actually saying " I am out of my depth."

So L.E. said that I can see that I am doing a duty of care to my inner self that is vulnerable and hurting now, and exit from this inadequate therapeutic relationship which is damaging to me, and take my hurt self to another more experienced therapist. This is not running away, it is taking the hurt in me and going and working on it elsewhere. It is important to break the pattern of staying too long with someone who just cannot meet me where I need to be met. Who is not trained to work with unconscious workings of the mind and heart and who is truly thrown about by her own counter transference and issues with her own view of herself as a competent and able counsellor who can work with me.