quote:

Also, L.E. said that I have psychotic attachment - which fortunately does not mean I am psychotic. It means that I have attached to this counsellor despite the information that I have that she is actually harming me and out of her depth and not actually suitable for me to work at this level of depth. I have such a strong idealisation of her as being warm and kind and loving for me, that I cannot see the reality which is someone who has good intentions but not the skill or depth or strength to deal with what I am bringing to therapy. L.E. thought that I might actually be terribly hurt if I delve into deep inner baby level pain and this counsellor does not know what to do or reacts again. I shall not feel safe nor met. It WILL retraumatize me.

I have been saying that but not believing it.

L.E. also said that this counsellor was someone trained in working with conscious processes and my major work now is on my unconscious processes. My unconscious processes are what are brimming over and flowing into the therapeutic space, except the space is not therapeutic anymore because the counsellor cannot handle the paradoxical emotions and entanglements that are so complex in me. And I am out of my depth so with two people out of their depth, there is a lot of confusion.

L.E. also said that this counsellor is often infringing ethical guidelines, especially the way in which she brings her own emotional pain into the therapeutic space and blaming me for her loss of interior boundaries where she gets upset at me that it takes her so long to process what I have told her and how draining that is for her, like reading my blog (which I have asked her not to do now - for obvious reasons!) and she then says how long it took her to process it or how Crisis Friday spoilt her whole day and her interactions with people. that is actually her own internal boundaries going and not something to blame me for. Also she has often been very well meaning and done and offered more than she can handle and later lets out a volley of how she found the emails difficult, the having to phone, the cardigan issue, the time put in for fighting for me when I just complain at her. I did not know what she was doing, I took her at face value, that if she said she would do something but I did not know she would resent it.

Wow Sheychen this L.E. is a very wise and experienced therapist. I'm so glad you spoke to her. Much of what I quoted above could be applied to my relationship with my oldT. It seemed at times that I was doing both jobs and he could not step up to being of help to me and there were numerous times where he dumped his emotional frustrations on me... and in doing so was quite hurtful to me. I always forgave him because I chalked it up to being human and we all make mistakes. But I cannot erase some of the very hurtful things he said and did to me. They still hurt.

The difference in my situation is that my T just called the police, threw me out and has refused to talk to me except for some dismissive emails and one session with D present in the room with us. He terminated me with little explanation and via an email where I had no opportunity to process what happened to me.

This is my advice from someone who is still in horrible agony over losing her voice and contact with her beloved T who meant so much to her. Decide on how many sessions you would need to let go of this C. Discuss it with her. DO NOT work on any trauma issues from your past. Instead use this time to process your departure from her and discuss what you found helpful or not so helpful in this therapy relationship. Talk about some funny memories (hope you have a few) or some things you found especially helpful or healing that she did for you. Talk about the loss and the inevitable grief and express your feelings over that. Maybe in the next to last session you can have her meet whoever you decide to work with next? Keep the last session for making your goodbyes, perhaps give her a small token to remember you by. Then plan something soothing and enjoyable for yourself that day after session.

I think LE is correct and I will tell you that I divulged a very traumatic memory to my T about 3 weeks before he threw me out. It was extremely difficult to do and you know... he barely said anything to me about it. He said "well you know, that was not your fault" and I said, "I'm not so sure about that". Then he said "you did good by talking about it" And I replied "thank you". That was IT. He never referred to it again and I feel like it's still out there.. hanging in mid-air. Not processed, not resolved, nothing. I was not comforted or given empthy. It haunts me that what I told him repulsed him from me and had something to do with his hurtful and harmful behavior towards me after that.

I guess what I'm saying here is to avoid any discussion of past trauma with this C as it could cause further damage to you. I know as I have lived this very same thing and it haunts me and it makes talking about it ever again to anyone that much more painful and difficult. Don't know that I will ever find the strength to reveal it again to anyone as it now has attached to the trauma another trauma of my Ts hurtful reaction to it.

Good luck Sheychen. I'm glad you spoke to L.E. and that you told us about it here.

TN